Need Courage

[cantgetout]

I am housebound with a disability and have been relying on a ‘boyfriend’ for basic needs for (detail removed by moderator) years. As I was refused a social worker years ago I am dependant on him for things like sending a letter or emptying the rubbish. The other day the council had reason to contact me over work being in my home and I told them I was being abused for years. They are soon to send a social worker up to me to see if they can help me. I am now panic stricken and frightened. I’m pretty socially phobic and prone to anxiety when it comes to authority figures. I told my abuser that I got in touch with social services and he kind of understood. He gets abusive off drink and is reasonable when sober. I know I should have help from the council as I have not been able to leave the house in over a decade due to breathlessness but years ago the doctor diagnosed this as some sort of panic condition which I don’t agree with. The man who abused me gets drunk every time he visits me and demands money and is truly awful when drunk. I’ve had to barricade the door to keep him out and he does not let me sleep when my condition dictates that I get enough sleep. The doctor only comes to see me occasionally but just gives me medication that does not work or give me the ability to live independently. I’ve resented for years the fact that I’ve been dependant on an abusive drunk but I had no way of getting any other help as the doctor I believe has misdiagnosed my condition. I feel I’ve opened up a can of worm that will go against me. On the phone the social worker asked me if I wanted to report him to the police and I said as he was the only one who was helping me with my disability I’d be foolish to do that. This has made me so depressed and even more fearful. I really can’t cope with this kind of horror and I’m not mentally equipped to deal with it as I have severe anxiety with dealing with people who have power over me.

[Tuppance]

Dear cantgetout, I was so sad to read your post. I have no experience at all to give you sound advice but you deserve a happier life. Surely, as there are no children( I think ?) involved then social services will only take action with your agreement ? Why not look at the options of alternative help like local volunteers or the church or time bank ? If you can at least start with a friendly face, that starts to broaden your scope, you may not feel so dependent on him and that will hopefully give you some strength to make more steps towards your happier future? Xx

[cantgetout]

Thank you for your kind words. Fear and lack of confidence is a terrible thing. I am alone apart from this man and have tried to get help from the social services many years ago and was mentally traumatised when they did not help me and was only too glad to take his offer of ‘help’. I am hoping that the social services will put me in touch with someone who will empty my rubbish as this is the main reason I have him here. I did make a bid for freedom some months back by trying to be independant and cutting all my rubbish and putting it down the toilet only to permanently damage my arm doing it with the strain on the muscles. When my arm was out of action I was forced to have him back to empty the rubbish as I like to be clean. With the new law of ‘coercive control’ in place I thought I might have more rights now. I’m hoping I have the chance to free myself from him he said no one will help me including the state. So fingers crossed they will help me. The sad thing is I wanted to make him happy and thought I had that talent until the abuse started. I’m glad I found this site as it has other people who understand this kind of thing. I thought my only way out was suicide but now I’m thinking maybe I have a chance. Thank you so much.

[Lisa]

Hi cantgetout,

You’ve been so brave posting and by telling the council that you are being abused and need support. Social services are the right service to talk to about practical issues and to find out if you can get some professional help at home.
You absolutely deserve support to improve your living situation and to live independently from this abuser.

Please know that you can also call the 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk to a female support worker in confidence about your situation. They can provide listening support, you can talk through your options and they can signpost you to other specialist services relevant to your situation.

You could also talk to your local domestic abuse service about what ongoing support you can receive; you can find the details here.

Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Healthyarchive]

Dear cantgetout, there is a user on here called Godschild ,I think you may be in a similarly position to her, it might help you to read some of her posts. X

[cantgetout]

Thank you. I haven’t been in here for a while but I’ll have a look at that information.

[cantgetout]

Thank you for that. I’ll try to look her up. I have always felt isolated as I knew of no one in a similar position and that would help me psychologically to know there is someone else going through the same thing. Hope you take care.

[KIP.]

Hello,

Have you been in touch with your local women’s aid. They are fantastic. Also, have you ever had councelling? All of my mental problems, and I mean all, came from my abusive husband X

[older lady]

Hello, cantgetout,

As Lisa has said, please get in touch with your local domestic abuse service. My local service was Women’s Aid. They were my beacon of hope. An outreach worker came to my home. That kind of support is invaluable. I greatly understand your concern about authority figures and feeling disempowered. It’s not unreasonable to be concerned, your own previous experiences lead you to anticipate lack of support, mismanaged or unhelpful interventions or worse, abusive attitudes back. That’s why your abuser can say ‘they won’t help you’. At these times an advocate can help. There are people who will want to support you, it’s just finding them sometimes. I would definitely find your local support service and keep posting on this forum. I have suffered from panic attacks and, at times, just couldn’t pick up the phone and have a conversation with someone (I once lost my voice for a week for no other reason that the doctor could find than stress) but all I can say, and I hope it reassures you, i felt very supported and safe talking with Women’s Aid workers (no can of worms there, thank goodness) and I hope you will too. X*x

[cantgetout]

Thank you, the problem is my physical condition has been treated as purely a mental health issue and no CPN has ever been able to help me with my practical needs and want to steer clear of that kind of help although I fully get your point.

[cantgetout]

Thank you OlderLady from another old lady. I hope you never loose your voice again through nerves as you are the voice of reason and glad to hear your words. I suppose it’s all about courage in the end.

[godschild]

Hi cantgetout, this is godschild who Healthy archive told you about, my issues are monophobia and agoraphobia , the first being a dreaded phobia of being alone and the other a fear of going out especially alone, due to these conditions, I am very depenedant on my Husband , who has been very emotionally and verbally abusive for decades.
I cannot out alone and cannot stay home alone, i have no one else to support me.
At the start of the year when things got very bad, (things are not so bad now but he continuyes to stay in denial of how he treats me and varies between being more reasonable and nicer to being horrible. But I has social services round and shelter and if i had been able to cope with sheltered housing they could have assisted me,so try to see them as if you can be alone with some support you will be able to getaway with their support.
Your issues seem to be more physical but I do know how it feels to be dependant and trapped on a person who is abusive to you, feel free to PM me if you need to.
ave you called your local womens aid , i had telephone calls for three months to help me as i could not get out to meet up with anyone.
I also get very anxious when meeting up with people like SS but they were very kind, you may be able to get people in to help with necessary tasks that you are unable to do as well, but if this boyfriend is abusive you need him off the scene, take care and keep posting, there is help out there xxxx

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Its natrual to feel scared, you need to tell the social when they come all your concerns and fears of how u need support as u are alone , u need to be able to live an abuse free life

[Author]

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