need help

[Anabela]

Because I doubt your honesty
Because your love seems so conditional
Because you hate if I disagree with your opinion
You even say it clearly

Because I thought you loved me
For the person that I am
Because I thought you want to do your best
To show your fun side
I did not care about the money
I used to give everything I have
Until I realized
It is just not enough.

That my interests don’t matter
If they cross with your plans
It’s not a partnership
I feel alone
I beg for love

And I fail to understand
What I did wrong
to turn you into monster

You care about your friends
A picture of a sad man
Breaks your heart
A woman who ignored it is a b***h
Responsible for his death

But you can listen to a woman crying
A woman that you claimed to love once
And you stab you stab you stab her
Until she feels she’s not alive.

I lost myself completely
My dreams my feelings
Just don’t matter
I don’t have aims
I’m giving up
I’m weak, dependent
And I love
Despite everything
Despite your cruelty
I’d hate to make you feel the same way

And yet I can’t look into your eyes.
They’re scary. They’re so angry
I can’t find a place for myself
I want to bite, to scratch
To make myself forget

The pain
That seems impossible to heal
Can I change myself?
Can I obey?
Be perfect, decent, and successful

And you?
You promised: ‘I’ll stand by you same way you’ve stood by me’.
Where are you now?
In this moment I really really need you.
Just say you love me
And I’ll forgive you. And I’d agree to be hurt again and again and again…..

But now,,, you carry on with your angry words
You hate me.
I am to be blamed for everything that happened in your life
Maybe you’re right?

[mummy]

Dear Anabela you are not to blame re read the words you have written how this person has made you feel this is all his game how he wants to put you down and make u feel u r to blame the words I love you are easy to say bit if he loved you he wouldn’t hurt u the way he has. Stay strong and don’t give in x

[Anabela]

I feel the lowest i ever felt in my life. I thought I’ve been through things that just can’t be worse. I am always proven wrong. We had this big argument, over a thing i did i did not realize the importance it would make. How fatal. He was having a go at me. His preaching over and over again. Making me feel soo…… this time making me feel mad and crazy. I feel I don’t belong in this body. it’s too tight. I can’t escape. He was screaming in a phone all night. I had only 1 hour sleep before I went to work in the morning. Before he left, he even through away a hole meal with a dish that I just cooked. I haven’t eaten since. He was blaming me for everything. everything everything everything. How I ruined our relationship. How he does not want me to be next to his son (a boy is not mine, but I got to love him dearly). I felt so useless.. I cried in wolf’s voice. I scrached my body with my nails just to distract my inner pain. And now i have a big red sore lines of my nails all the way the side of my body. and if he sees that, he will get so mad. Which scared me so much that I might be going crazy. A normal person does not harm herself. I burst into tears at work, which I havent done for a long long time.
I got back home today. I did sent him a text saying sorry. and then he phoned me again, and we spoke for 2 hours until my credit was gone. he was talking and talking and talking saying he’s been trying to help me. (He is blaming me for being in a s**t financial situation, and yet he has not had any job since for over a year). I cant describe the power of his mouth. It hurts, stabs to the deepest bones. I am afraid I am going crazy. Because I cry and I even tore my trousers. Just so that I would not harm myself. And then I agreed to send him money to help sort himself out. And then he phoned saying that he can help me. But I should not disrespect him, and i should listen to him.
Just over a month ago I thought I am in harmony. I passed an exam I was studying, I was in a christmas spirit, I was if not happy, but stable and did not cry. And now I am acting like a mad woman. and I don’t know what’s going on with my life. I keep thinking of phoning helpline, but I dont know what to tell them…… where to start. what to say. but i can’t cope on my own. I am by myself in this country. It is just him.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

My battery running low but i8 wanted to reply to u b4 battery goes, this guy is seeriously messing with your head, callthehelp line and talk about how he is impacting u, i think u need support to geta way from this man and block all contact. Relationship work on a mutal respect both ways, u seem to be putting more effort in to the relationship and he is still blaming u. My ex too used to blame me for his financial situation and made me responsible for his debts, these men need to wake up and take responsoibility for themselves. He is just using u for your money and breaking u down at the same time, please end this relationship it is not good for your wellbeing. I know u think u ccant live without him but u can , with positive support you can break away from these men, everyone has their light bulb moment at different times when they need to leave , from some on whom struggle a lot to make the move i would highly recommend not to delay it , get support and leave him, have u any friends or family u can reach out to for support, none of this is your fault. I feel for u saying when u scratched yourself, i have been there when u feel like your going mental and u just want to rip your skin off just to end nightmare, i have been stages through where i used to dig mynails deep in to myself, points which i feel embrassed to say but just bang my head against wall as i just couldnt think straight. These men will make us mental, donot ngive him no more money at all

[Anabela]

Hi Confused. Thank you for your reply. I actually did phone a helpline maybe an hour ago. I did not expect them to still be working, so when a lady picked up a phone, i hang up, but then she rang me back. I am glad I did. I dont think she said some things that I would not know, but it felt good to speak to the outsider. And get a proof, that I should do something. And have a right to do something. Actually, I think tomorow I should register to GP (which i stupidly never bothered to do) and ask to refer me to some counselling.
It sucks. I have been posting here a couple of months ago and then stopped feeling ashamed that I can’t use the good advice….
Now, the argument ended. It blew up badly, and then the money seemed to solve the problem. it makes me think maybe it was all about that.
In a first place the reason he got so mad at me, that I paid fees for (detail removed by Moderator) (which is expensive, but i love it). He never liked me going there, but in this particular month we were planning on moving in together again, and money is tight, so he got so angry, that I am wasting that precious money on pleasures.
I wish, these horrible 24 hours were the last straw on a camels back. Now the atmosthere is calmer, and I need to think how to get myself out of this situation. I deserve better. i cant ruin my body for someone who probably never actually loved me, and just used me. And how can i be attached to someone who makes me feel so horrible and useless. I definitely have a choice…

[Ayanna]

Yes, you have a choice!

You said all the right words in your last sentences!

He is using you.
He makes you feel horrible. He does not love you.

YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!

You do not live together.
You can decide from one second to another that he is out of your life for good, that you have enough and never want to see him again.
You can block his phone number.
You do not even need to talk to him ever again.
You can just start your own life NOW.

If he turns up at your door you do not need to open. You can say through the door that he has to f.. off.
You can call the police on him without warning and tell them to help you get rid of him.

You can do all this now.
You can put a smile on your face and do what you really want and never have to interact with him again.
You can do this right now.

Do not feel ashamed when you cannot do this.
Keep posting!

We are always here for you, whenever, whatever,…
Do not keep silent.

But remember: you can start now and it may be so easy to JUST DO IT. Give it a go. xx

[Anabela]

Ayanna, I feel like printing your words and sticking to my wall.
I seriously start to think there is something deeply wrong with me. How a normal human being can tolerate that much, understand the situation (at least I think I can understand him and can see his motives), and yet go with a flow and expect for a miracle (that he will change or that one day I will just wake up and realize it was all a bad dream).
So (removed by moderator) we started plans to move in together, like thinking cities and stuff (yes, after my 100th realization that he is not honest, he needs me for his benefit and all that. after the night I spent without sleep just hearing blames, and yet I am planning on giving up my freedom, and move back to a place where I definitely do not want to be). At one moment I thought, maybe because after giving him a chance a couple of months ago, I was not really there fully for him, I expected the worst from him, and I attracted it (like you get what you think about most), and if I try to be a person I used to be in this relationship in the beginning, things will be good? So we had a nice meal together. I can’t remember the last time we went out with no arguments. We walked the street holding hands. It was so normal.
But then we got back to the hotel. (Detail removed by moderator)  And when he came back we started talking. To be honest, I could not really follow his words, as they seemed to be jumping from one thing to the other. It started calmly, as kind of complimenting me, but then it blew in a full argument. He started saying, that (detail removed by moderator)  (and what I have no desire to do at all), as he thinks it is something I would be good at and it pays a lot of money. He was saying that my career path is not going to succeed, that I will not succeed what i want and that he knows better. And that since I complain a lot about money, he wants me to listen to him, as that solves all the probelms. (Detail removed by moderator) Then he started blaming me again for all his failures, him wasting money, and as usual…. He was not violent, but the way he talked. With his sudden gestures and all that I was shivering in bed. Also, I was so exhausted (as this week I did not have a lot of sleep and have to wake up early for work), so all i wanted is for him to let me sleep. He was clearly saying, that if I dont sort myself out, if I dont choose the path of career he wants me to choose, we are not gonna work. It’s like my salary needs to meet certain threshold in order to be liked.
Then he went to have a shower. I fell asleep, and then I woke up from his attempts to have sex with me. I did not even say anything, not to cause an argument. But was so angry inside, that I am not allowed my sleep.
Today at work i am all anxious… I know if I move in with him I will make a mistake of my life. On top of that, I need to take an overdraft, as we can’t afford moving, and he does not work, so he would not get overdraft for himself.
I don’t want that….
And (removed by moderator) , I also sent him a text, that I will not (removed by moderator)  that he wants me to do, and will stick to sth that I am doing already. He did not reply. I dont think he took me seriously. But Can I forgive him all that? Can I forgive him verbal torture? Why Why Why Why it is so impossibly hard to leave him??????? Why knowing the picture so so well, I am still clingy to him. SOmetimes I feel I just want my mum…. (and she has such a good gut instinct. She knows I am not okay, even if I do my best to sound happy on a phone. she does not like him, and I always try to change her attitude for her to start like him).
Some part of me thinks, maybe I could try. Move in. And if he blows up, leave instantly. Just leave a country and go home. But i know he will blow up. I just know. He already been doing that. But now I feel I made a promise to take overdraft, to get a flat for us, and I can’t break it. I can’t disappoint him???????
I feel so disgusted with myself. I have never met a woman in my life, who has no self respect, no voice as me. I could say NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO F**K OFF.. I am not gonna regret it, am I? Even if I spent the rest of my life by myself, i would be happier…. I know, But why why I can’t do that. I feel that in this relationship I am the worst enemy to myself. Is it that feeling of loneliness? I just dont know…. I say things, and I dont act…… And deep inside me I feel like running running running.
And I bet I dont make sense at all……..

[Confused123]

HI HUn

Dont u dare move in with this guy or let him move in woth u, he will rip your life apart, this is there game tomake us fat so we lose whatever self esteem is left then degrade us and tell us no one would want us, really they are talking abotu their own insecurities. def go and register with gp tommrow, call womens aid again and ask where u can go for further support. You prob cant think cause there abuse drains us out.

Print out the words u liked and stick in every room, do not move to another town or country it s a ploy to trap u to isolate u, and beelive me that is when they really start messing with us. Sound slikeu r nummbing your feelings to tolerate it, u go into denial that u sont even know the abuse is happening

[Ayanna]

Anabela, do not make any overdraft.

I have been in your situation years ago and I lost years of my life paying back debts.

Kick this guy out of your life!
You can do it!!!

When he says he will come to your place do not open the door. Just try not to open the door. If he makes noise tell him through the closed door to go home.
Just do this without thinking.
You need to end this relationship.
You have nothing to loose.

If it is so hard, why do you not go out and laugh at another guy and flirt with another man.
If this guy tries it on with you again it will be easier to reject him, kick him out.

I was in such a relationship. I was mesmerized, paralyzed and that guy sucked every penny out of me. At some point I had a fling with another man just to get away from him. He did not know because we did not live together at that time.

The encounter with the other man made it much easier for me to break that invisible chain.

It still took a while to get rid of him because we had that adopted boy.

Find a way to get this toxic person out of your life.

You deserve happiness.

Just do it!
Do not think too much of what you are doing.
Just end it.

[Anabela]

Confused, Ayanna, thank you for your words….
Now I just got back home, sitting on my bed and starting to feel uneasy. He is gonna come over soon.
I know one thing: this moving in thing, overdraft, and a flat just cannot happen. And I don’t know how to avoid it. The thing is… In order not to open the door, to block him from my life, I first of all, should tell him that I changed my mind, I dont want to move in together or take overdraft, and I want to end the relationship. And this is what I don’t know how to do that. My mouth does not open to speak such words.
I’ve told him recently that I am agreeing with all that, and how can I change my mind so quickly? I can imagine how angry it would make him, and then I would probably start feeling very sad for him and myself and will give up, and probably will end up appologizing, he will carry on having a go at me, then I’ll probably start begging to forgive me, that I did not know what was with me and just lets forget that and move in together.

Because that’s how it is. Whenever I feel mentally prepared to be just on my own, and we get an argument (like he gets super mad about sth) and it seems like it is about to be over, I get desperate. And I start feeling like I ruined sth that had a chance to be a good relationship, that I made a mistake….. And then he ends up forgiving me, and then I start thinking: I have just lost my chance to escape.

I can’t really imagine myself not opening the door, not picking up the calls… I’d love to though. And I dont want him to come tonight. I just want my own company, but he is already on his way..

If I move in with him, I will have to change a job as it would be in another town. I dont like my job recently, but this is probably the only place where I feel safe… And good.

[Anabela]

And I so dont want that overdraft. I dont like loans anyway, but the only way I would take it if it is for myself to move to another place.
I have already wasted so much money on him. Ever since I moved out,i was hoping to save up and recover some of my savings, but always something would come up, I did lend him quite a bit and I haven’t saved anything at all. The last thing I would want is to have a debt on my shoulders. it probably would not be that big. BUT. it feels like such a jump back. And then I dont know if it is in his plans to get a job quickly. Or he promises to look for it, but I cant remember him being in a long term employment ever. So, I’ll probably end up wasting more money, as it is more expensive to feed and support 2 people than just myself.

[Ayanna]

If telling the truth is so hard for you, why don’t you lie to him?
You could say the bank does not give you any loan because you do not earn enough.

I did that when I was with that abuser and it helped to get rid of him.

This guy uses you to get a nice place to live without much effort.
Can you see this?
He is enslaving you.

You run into a disaster with open eyes.
Do not let this happen.

It is very easy to keep a door closed. Try it.

I really think you need to ring the helpline and speak to them.  (detail removed by moderator)
He looks for a woman to use as a slave in order to have a good life. He does not care about you. He will put all the debts on you and leave you with them. He will never help you pay your debts.

Do you want to spend years of your life paying debts for someone who abused you, for things you never had, you never enjoyed?

Instead of opening the door to him phone the helpline. Ring them until someone picks the phone and speaks to you.

[Anabela]

I am not sure if this lie would work. He knows of someone who took an overdraft being a student with no earnings, so he would sense I am lying straight away… I am just hoping a miracle will happen and somehow I will avoid taking it… I don’t know how or what I will do and I am just hoping for something to come up…..

It’s been such a horrible day. I feel tense, anxious and my head is so heavy… I hate this kind of state. I was in town and kept avoiding going back home, because once I am back home I really need to think what to do. And I just want to run away from all my problems and thinking. So I kept going to different cafes for tea. Although I am by myself in my room, as he did not come as promised, and I am not sure if he would show up today or not…

I feel so stupid… How a grown up woman cannot speak up her mind. I already moved out, why I am agreeing to moving in knowing fully well that it’s going to be the same thing again. We are not even in a honeymoon cycle. The tension already built up, and explosion happened.  (detail removed by moderator)

[Anabela]

(detail removed by moderator) I do feel I am running out of time to think of what to do…. To make up my mind. To draw all my strength and finally stand up for myself….
Otherwise I am stuck…. And I can blame nobody else but myself… I wish I could just hide and pretend that everything is okay, and my life is okay..

[Author]

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