Need Help

[Lightning-Jet]

I’ve managed to get out of my relationship, but it’s been nearly (detail removed by moderator) now, and regardless of what he has put me through, a part of me still loves him and in a way, misses him.

I know he is toxic, how can I make myself feel better and not go there again?

[BeautyMarked]

Hi LJ x

Goodness knows (as well as all the ladies here) how much I can relate to your pain right now. It is still very fresh. You’ve not been out long and it sounds as though you needed to get out. What you are experiencing is so very painful but also very normal. It feels desperate and I wish I could say something to make it easier and less painful. You’ve experienced trauma and one of the best things I have been able to do is to read and equip myself with knowledge and understanding. I didn’t have the language to begin understanding what I had gone through. Look up trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance. Knowing about it doesn’t make it suddenly go, but it does begin to give you a framework as I am still astonished by how every situation is unique yet bear the same tell tale hallmarks of unmistakable abuse. Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that?’ is a favourite read on the board and it is very good. It’s a struggle to let go as they are so clever with their manipulations. It’s great that you have posted as you know that he is bad so do keep posting as this is a truly supportive and wonderful forum full of caring ladies who understand what you are going through when it seems like everyone around you doesn’t x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Lighting-jet

Well done I remember when you where still with him, you can be so proud of yourself to have left him, I know I am for you, I applaud your courage.

Now you can start with the grieving process. Look up the five stages of grief.
And trauma bonding.
Monitor your feelings closely and give yourself space to feel them but SAFELY, without contacting him. Cry when you need to, be angry, withdraw, rest, basically go through all stages of grief. The difference with getting over an abuser vs a normal healthy relationship is you can’t contact him, you’ll have to keep yourself safe from his toxicity, his poisonous manipulations.
Usually after three months, your brain has rewired itself enough and detoxed from being addicted to his approval, to the crumbs of love he throws you, to the future you thought you might spend together.
Be gentle with yourself and take it step by step. Baby steps. Allow yourself to make mistakes, forgive yourself in advance for it but keep strong on not contacting him. If you do, know that we absolutely all did it and then you just start again, taking in a deep breath and keeping no contact again.

Once you are no longer feeling the urge to be there for him, to check if he is ok you’ll know you have detoxicated from the trauma bond that attached you to him. You are from this point onwards safe of not returning to him.

What helps me still when I am taken by nostalgia is to say “ it would have been nice if… he would have been a decent man” or “ it would have been nice…if we were still together and none of the abuse happened” and so on.

Another advice is to turn the focus back onto yourself, you probably spend a lot of time thinking how you can please him but now it’s your turn. Ask yourself what would please you. Enjoy your new found freedom and treat yourself with all the things you weren’t able to do whilst with him. If you do have good trustworthy friends spend time with them. Do little things that you enjoy doing.
Rest well, sleep enough and keep hydrated.
The adrenaline you were feeling whilst with him kept you on high guards all the time, now the descent to calmness can be a turbulent ride because your body needs to adjust itself again to a new stable routine. The aftermath of an abusive relationship is exhausting so allow yourself plenty of time to rest and generally take it easy.

I am very pleased for you that you made it out, this is just such great news, now step by step you’ll regain control of your life and freedom. Yes!!

Keep posting, you are doing great. Call Women’s Aid or Samaritans if you prefer to talk.

Sending you a big hug 💕🌸

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