20th June 2016 at 9:00 am #19632AnonymousInactive
When I was (detail removed by Moderator) years old I met a guy. He was charming, sweet, beautiful and basically everything you could want in a guy. After about a month things started to get weird. He would complain about the way I dressed and the amount of times I washed my hair and he got very controlling. He threatened to leave me as he said I was cheating on him because of the above mentioned reasons. I didnt want to lose him and basically changed everything about myself. I started wearing his clothes as he would fight with me if i wore any ladylike clothes. He only allowed me to wash my hair once a week if I was lucky. I even stopped shaving as he even fought with me about it. As a girl still in school, it was really hard for me to process what was happening. After a while I wasnt allowed talking to my friends or even just going to the shop with my mom. About 2 months into our relationship was the first time he got physical. He hit me because I fell asleep in a movie and he said I didnt care about him. Feeling it was my fault, I stayed. Things just got worse after that. He controls everything about me, I am not allowed having any money on me as he feels I dont need it. I have a bank account, but I am not allowed having my own card as he says why would I want to spend money. Every phone I had he has broken and even told me he cant see the point of me having a phone, why do i want to talk to anyone. We have been together for (detail removed by Moderator) years now and I cannot seem to think of a single week he didnt abuse me. I have had numerous concussions, he has tried drowning me, he constantly chokes me until the point I want to pass out and then he lets me go. The one day I tried leaving him, he tried braking my arm and told me if I didnt stay he would ruin me and my family’s life. I constantly have to lie about marks on my body to my family and pretend I am okay. He also abuses me emotionally and constantly tells me its my own fault he abuses me. I am not too sure what to do and feel so depressed as I cannot continue living in fear (he lashes out over everything, even over a small thing as me using the bathroom at work, he says if i use it, i might as well have sex in it and if he catches me he will kill me). I am so scared to leave him as I know he would not only hurt me, but my family as well (he threatened on many occasions to kill my family if i do not stay with him). He told me if I would ever leave him, he would damage my body so badly that no one would ever want me again. I also feel on days that he is not that temperamental that I do love him and dont know how to live without him, not sure how to deal with these emotions. Ever since I left school he has chosen my jobs for me and made sure he works at the same company so he could keep me close. He tells me that it is my fault he couldn’t achieve what he wanted in life as he needs to take care of me, which also makes me stay as I feel he wouldnt have a life without me. I have tried talking to professionals before, but what they do not understand is that i cannot go to a refugee camp or even phone someone. He would find out and hurt me really bad. We are getting married now and I dont know what to do or how to go about my life. I feel alone and depressed and have mixed feelings about going or staying. I also know that a protection order will not keep him away from me or my family and that he would find a way to hurt me or my loved ones if i leave him. I just need advise on how to process this or even just someone telling me that everything will be okay.
20th June 2016 at 9:09 am #19633
Dear WomaninNeed, I am so sorry to hear about this. I did not suffer physical abuse from my ex and we have successfully parted some months ago, so i’m not sure how much I can contribute. Can you not get yourself into a womens refuge and take steps to get a restraining or non molestation order out against him coming close to your family? If he breaks the terms of the order I think he can be sent to prison. You would then have the ongoing mental work to do to mentally break away,this will take you time. There are a lot of women on here in identical situations, i’m sure they will give you a lot more guidance. I dont think you should marry him. Or, you can go along with it, i.e pretend, give him the power he loves but silently start making your escape plan. All of this will take time and a lot of support. XXXX
20th June 2016 at 10:05 am #19635AnonymousInactive
Thank you kindly for your support.
The problem I do have is that a restraining order/non molestation order will not keep him away, even if it means he goes to prison. Even if I do end up in a refugee camp and get an order against him, I am so afraid that he would still hurt my family. Even if he goes to prison afterwards, he would still manage to do damage to them before the police catch him and that worries me a lot.
I do not want to go on with the wedding, but my parents already paid most of it and I also do not want to waste their money. So I either have a choice of getting out now and lose the money, and he still manages to hurt me or my family, or I just stay and he only hurts me. But I am physically and emotionally drained and not sure how to handle this.
Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me
20th June 2016 at 10:29 am #19636
Dear Womaninneed, I think a lot of the women on here will be able to advise you better than I can as they know about the legal aspects of this more than myself. They will respond to you soon. There is another woman on here who is shortly due to marry her abuser and has doubts, it may help you to read her posts, I will find out her user name and give it to you. Do keep posting your thoughts on here as you will get a lot of help. X*X
20th June 2016 at 10:41 am #19637
i have looked for the posts for lady who is due to get married but having doubts, but cannot find it. I’m sure somebody else will be able to tell you her username X*X
20th June 2016 at 11:22 am #19640AnonymousInactive
Thank you for your assistance anyway Healthy Archive, I do appreciate it a lot.
Moonflower, I am really happy that you got out in time and that you are happy now.
I know my parents wont mind for the money, the problem I do have is that I know he will hurt my family. I know what he has done to me and what I have gone through and I do not wish this on anyone, especially my family. I feel that I would rather live with the abuse than have him target my family to get back to me. They do not deserve it. Even if I go to the police, they need hard evidence that I am getting abused before they would actually do anything. I do not know how to prove it, if I have marks on my body, I dont always have the time to get to the police to report anything and I dont have any witnesses as no one knows what is going on in my life
I feel like I am in a downwards spiral and just not getting out of it
Thank you for the wise words anyway
20th June 2016 at 10:41 am #19638
Woman in need, please do not marry this man. A long time ago when I was your age I married a man who turned out to be emotionally abusive. I stayed with him for (detail removed by Moderator) years as I was too ashamed to go home and admit I’d made a mistake and also because my parents had spent a lot of money the didn’t really have to give me a big white wedding. So I stayed and put up with his mistreatment and slowly became a shadow. Anyway one day I left and went home and told them it was over and the relief was overwhelming. They didn’t care about the money they didn’t want me to be unhappy. I wished I’d done it years before.
Im telling you this as I’m sure your parents will be the same. You are their daughter they will not want you to be with a man who treats you so badly. Your man is filling your head with these threats to harm your family to scare you into staying. Contact Women’s aid or the police and report what is happening.
Please reach out for help. You are a young woman with a whole life ahead of you. You DO NOT have to live like this.
20th June 2016 at 3:48 pm #19656
I got married many years ago, i knew before that it was wrong, i had no doubts that it was wrong. But i felt obliged as I did not want to let anybody down. Unfortunatly i was married for my childbearing years & as a result I do not have children now, and its too late for me to have children. Please think carefully about this, I did not realize what a heavy commitment marriage was, once you are in, its really really difficult to get out, it was for me anyway. X*X
21st June 2016 at 8:22 am #19692AnonymousInactive
Thank you Healthyarchive, I am really sorry to hear about your marriage. Have you considered adoption maybe? Thank you for all the kind advise and I will definitely think about it
20th June 2016 at 9:03 pm #19675LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. It must have taken a lot of courage to post so well done for reaching out for support. I hope you find this a safe and supportive place.
I am sorry to hear of the awful abuse you have been through from your partner. Have you ever received medical advice for any of your injuries? You must be exhausted from his controlling behaviour. As I am sure you are aware abuse escalates as time goes on. The abuse you have described is extreme and I worry for your safety.
I understand you have spoken to professionals before, were they from your local support group? If not then you can find details of these here. They can offer ongoing emotional and practical support. The 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) is also available. They will not tell you what to do but can listen to you and discuss options based on your circumstances.
There is a lot of support available for when you are ready to take the next step. Only you can decide what to do next but we will always be here for you so you do not have to go through this alone. Keep posting when you can.
You deserve so much better, you have a whole life ahead of you to live without abuse and fear.
21st June 2016 at 8:27 am #19693AnonymousInactive
Thank you so much.Unfortunately I do not have a medical aid so I havent been to a doctor in years. We have state clinics, but sorry to say, they are a bit useless and wont be able to assist me. They tell people to rather go and visit a doctor.
I will definitely try local support again.I hope they would be able to assist me.
Thank you for all the advise
20th June 2016 at 9:18 pm #19677AyannaParticipant
Hi, you need to get out.
It seems you have no choice over the marriage. This comes under forced marriage, which is illegal in the UK.
A good way of getting out is going to the doctor. Take a few things that you do not want to part from and go to your GP. Tell them that you cannot go back anymore because your life is in danger and you need to go to a refuge. They may call the police and you give a statement.
You tell them how dangerous he is and also your family is in danger and they need to warn them and look after their safety.
You should be able to go to a refuge straight from there.
Refuges are secret places and he will not find out where you are.
21st June 2016 at 8:31 am #19694AnonymousInactive
Thank you for the advise, if the local support groups doesnt help, I will definitely try this. I know it sounds silly, but I do not want him to get locked up or anything. Deep down I do truly love him, but not sure how to live with the abuse and controlling anymore, but I do want it to stop.
20th June 2016 at 10:13 pm #19678
Womaninneed, please don’t feel pressurised by the advice you have been given here – we all want the best for you.
But please consider reaching out for help. Once you start to tell people the less the a burden will be and people will believe you. The more people who know the less power he has.
He’s played with your mind and made you feel like he’s Invisible but he isn’t. As Lisa says you do not have to go through this alone.
Please keep posting here and we will support you.
21st June 2016 at 8:34 am #19695AnonymousInactive
Thank you for the kind words, it really helps knowing there are people that care.
I will try and contact the groups Lisa listed as I cannot talk to family members or anyone close to me, if it ever comes out that I spoke to someone about our relationship, I am not too sure what he might do.
Thank you for everyones support
20th June 2016 at 10:14 pm #19679
Should read invincible.
21st June 2016 at 8:41 am #19696KIP.Participant
Try reading Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. My ex always used threats to control me. In the end they were hollow and he was a coward once exposed. Google ‘trauma bonding’. You only think you love him. In reality, no one could love such a monster. They use guilt to control us too. It’s all mind games. Marriage and children are just another way to trap you further. Abusers thrive on our silence. Tell your mum and dad or any professionals that are experts in domestic abuse and coercive control x
21st June 2016 at 9:12 am #19698AnonymousInactive
Thank you so much KIP. This really helped a lot, I will try and get The Dominator and read it, but I have googled Trauma Bonding and it did help in a way.
They described exactly how I feel. We had a fairly good night last night. We didnt fight at all, he wanted to start an argument and did get a bit aggressive, but he is sick so all he did was go to bed and sleep. I woke up this morning feeling that I am stupid for joining this forum and that I should never have reached out as I feel I do love him and not sure if I want to leave him, but then I think of all the things he has done to me and what he is still doing and I get mixed feelings on how to handle the situation.
I do however feel that his threats is not hollow. He threatens me daily, and most of the time he goes through with his threats. That is why I fear the safety of my family and I also feel that I am not able to talk to them about it as I know they would address him as they care for him a lot, and that would just make things worse.
I just feel so confused at this moment. I know what the right thing is to do, but I am not sure how to do it and if I have the courage to do it.
Thank you for the good advise though
21st June 2016 at 1:29 pm #19725AyannaParticipant
Hi, I can fully understand how you feel about him getting punished. I was the same.
I wanted to protect him although he tried to kill me twice.
It is a normal reaction and called Stockholm Syndrome, that binds us to the abuser.
I hope you can call the helpline.
Keep posting here.
Do not let him know that you inform yourself. Hide every trace.
21st June 2016 at 2:58 pm #19734AnonymousInactive
I am so sorry to hear about your situation Ayanna. I am glad you got out before he succeeded.:)
I am using my PC at work to post and do research (hope I wont get fired if they find out), but that is the only way he wont know. He keeps tabs on me on everything else. I have not had the courage to phone the helpline yet, so scared he tracks it somehow.
Thank you for all the support and for listening to my stories
26th June 2016 at 4:23 pm #20148godschildParticipant
It is normal to feel mixed up and confused when you realise it is abuse and to feel love for them despite it, take your time in allowing the truth to sink in,unless in real physical danger it isnt always right to go to a refuge straight away, you need time to adjust to what you are discovering, do try to call the helpline you may be able to get a WA worker to meet up with who will help you with whatever you choose, every woman is different and must make their own desicions on what to do x*x
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