Need perspective

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend ran off from me over a misunderstanding but that was just the straw that broke the camels back I guess and I don’t blame him. He’s now moved all his stuff out and is away in another city planning to move there and won’t speak to me. He just said that he doesn’t believe things will change, he’s tired of being hurt and doesn’t trust me. He says I’m a bully and I abused him and also he thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder and need help for that. I should have got help sooner. I wanted to but I couldn’t find a therapist I liked enough in the area and also I stupidly thought I could get better by myself. I could have done if I’d done things differently and tried harder but I didn’t I guess because I couldn’t get better in time.

My issue is that I can’t forgive myself for the way I treated him and making the person I love feel like that and get to the point where he had to leave me. I just feel like a horrible person and can’t believe I did those things and acted like that. I need some perspective on what I did please. And also on the relationship. Not really advice about what to do as I know all that already as I don’t even have a choice but to move on.

I tried to control him to go along with my OCD rituals. Constantly criticising him, asking him to do things like washing his hands and mentioning things to do with my contamination OCD. It’s like I can’t believe that was me. But it was. And I take responsibility. I don’t really care about things and don’t want to act that or let it affect him like I did. I have obsessive thoughts about past mistakes too so I’m really beating myself up about it all.

At the beginning of our relationship I let him become an element in trauma for me as I put up with his alcoholism and him living in this horrible house share where anyone could move in (it was like a step up from living on the streets). I actually ended up moving in there because I had low self esteem when I met him and deluded myself into thinking whatever he thought was ok was ok when it really wasn’t. I just wanted to be with him and to go along with whatever he wanted. Obviously that’s not his fault at all it was mine for being like that. So after something happened at this horrible accommodation which bothered both of us but that I was actually traumatised by I then realised it was all wrong and needed to move out. He wanted to move out too but also had low esteem which manifested in a different way. I think he was scared of living in a nice place because he thought the nice normal people wouldn’t accept him or something. So he wouldn’t bother looking for places to move out and I had to do all the work looking for individual places just for me and places for both of us and kept nagging him and convincing him to help me look for both of us and help him self by looking just for himself too. He’d also miss some viewings because of his drinking. All this caused me to have the extreme OCD related to being trapped in that place with scary people etc.and it wasn’t his fault at all that we were in that situation because I chose to move in there when he kindly offered but at that point where we both realised how horrible it was and I was being traumatised he kept making it go on for longer and making it worse by being drunk a lot.

So that is why I have still tried to control him related to my OCD because although I have tried to forgive and forget I guess my OCD subconsciously could not forget. It’s not an excuse just a reason. There are no excuses for what I’ve done in my mind. I just feel so bad about it. He’s since changed and not drinking for a year yet I still let my OCD fears about the past effect him by trying to control him which is so horrible and unfair. He goes along with these things a lot which have been really hard and made him miserable. I don’t care about those OCD things really I just wanted to move on and be nice to him and happy. I know for sure I could be. We also have natural communication issues between us would be there anyway. So I can be realky bad in arguments too but also He bottles things up then gets really angry and says things he doesn’t really mean (I don’t if he means them or not but he doesn’t normally say those things), calls me names (I have done that too) etc. He says normally he lies to me about things so that I won’t get mad at him and start an argument. So he says it was all lies and what he says in an argument is the truth. Then when he clams down again he says that he didn’t actually mean those things and what he says normally is the truth. But I’d be willing to deal with that and be the bigger person in those situations and just let it go rather than engaging in defending myself against his false accusations etc. I know I can do it. He’d be worth it. But he doesn’t want to be with which obviously I accept so I’d just be like that and learn to be nice if I have another realtionship in the future. Also, I lose my temper and get frustrated and angry in arguments too maybe worse than him and raise my voice. Usually what I’m saying is correct and what I think but I say it horribly and raise my voice. Raising my voice/probably shouting m is the thing I definitely do sometimes when we get in a heated argument and also I won’t drop the argument and get caught up over details instead of just letting it go and knowing he doesn’t mean it and it doesn’t matter. I hate it so much and I’m going to make I never behave like that with anyone again.

Also, I’m so ashamed but one time I threw a champagne bottle on the floor between us over something stupid OCD thing I was going internally crazy over and he was ignoring me. I can’t believe I did that and there is no excuse I feel terrible. He must have been scared. I mean I was scared by it and I was the one who threw it. However, he doesn’t believe me that I was aiming for the floor where it landed (but it was really near him – makes me sick to think about it) and thinks I tried to threw it at him but missed. I tried to explain that I know its still bad but that’s not true but he won’t hear it. Also, he thinks I do other things which I never do like he accuses me of lying etc. I think because of the bottle throwing incident he has it in his mind that I’m an abuser and that I do things which classic abusers do or something which he read about. Like isolating him from friends and family (we moved to another city so we could afford a place together), lying and ‘trying to make it so he can’t live without me’. None of those things are true (although I’m starting to think maybe they are?) So I know I’ve mistreated him and I feel like a bad person but on top of what’s actually happened he thinks I’m worse than I am. He probably wouldn’t want to get back with me anyway though so I guess it’s besides the point.

I feel like this horrible abuser and I just need some perspective on how bad it was and the situation because I know in the past my obsessive thoughts cloud my judgement. However I know it’s bad so I really don’t know. I’m really not looking for someone to tell it’s ok etc. at all. I’m just looking for the truth of what my perspective really is and how bad it really was whatever that may be. So then I can know how to come to terms with that. I know my behaviour was abusive because I have read the definition of abuse. However, I don’t know how bad it was or know my perspective on behaviour and the whole situation. Partly because of Obsessive thoughts about past mistakes but honestly talking it through and hearing others perspective is what helps me when I get like this. I can’t move forward unless I can know my perspective on the situation and my behaviour so I can come to terms with it and move forward.

Imagine your friend came to you and said they’d done the things I’ve done to their partner behaved that way. What would your honest reaction be?

Now imagine someone you care about came to you and told you that their partner had treated them and behaved the way I have to my boyfriend. What would your honest reaction be?

I really need help knowing what everyone’s perspective and preferably why so I can help know my own. Thanks.

And I’m also seeing a therapist now and I’m on anti anti anxiety meds. Don’t know how much that is helping, though.

I’m posting on this forum because although I know I am an abuser a couple of people have said that he abused me and it’s making me really confused as I don’t think so but they seemed to think so. Sorry if I should post this here as I’m the abuser.

[Ayanna]

Hi, thank you for being so honest.

Both of you need to grow.
You need therapy and work on everything that bothers you. You may have to go back into your childhood and start from there.

He should have therapy too.

According to what you wrote, the both of you should not be together. You both have too many issues and need to deal with them first before entering into a relationship.

I do not think you should see yourself as an abuser.

He hurt you in the beginning of the relationship and you could not get over it. Maybe that spoiled everything for the rest of the relationship.
The living conditions he put you into must have been traumatizing. I cannot say that it is your fault that you moved in there. I do not know whether you are young, you were probably in love, naive and initially in denial of how awful the conditions were. That happens when we love uncritically.
He seems to lack drive to achieve and let you deal with rescuing him all alone. As you ended up in an affordable area, that was further away, he accused you of isolating him.
For sure he played on your mind and made you feel guilty and you believed it.
Your OCD turned serious as a consequence of living in that horrible place. This means the trauma you suffered actually had a really significant impact on you.

No, I do not see you as an abuser. You have a short temper. The reason for this needs to be explored in therapy and you need to work on this.

Focus on yourself and build your confidence.
Learn about yourself. Know your limitations. Learn to set boundaries.
Learn to deal with problems in a non aggressive way.

That will take time. Be patient with yourself but work on yourself steadily.

[Serenity]

I don’t think you should see yourself as an abuser, but as human. You need to be more compassionate towards yourself!

Please don’t believe that you are to blame for everything, just because he lays all the blame at your feet. His word isn’t gospel. Abuser’s minds are skewed- they never take responsibility or accept their own errors- they minimise their faults and maximise other people’s.

My ex also did he didn’t think ‘things would change.’ What he meant was, I had started to react to his abuse by standing up to him by questioning him on his behaviour. As he would never, ever take responsibility for his abuse, trying to reason with him was futile, like a bloomin labyrinth, it never got us anywhere.

He made me apologise for everything in my marriage. I became very upset and emotional.he continued with his usual cruel arrogance- never admitting that what he was actually going was abusing me.

After he left, my kids told me the dreadful things he’d said and done when I wasn’t there. Things they were to scared to tell me until he had gone. And yet, he made out he was perfect snide erupts else was the problem.

You aren’t an abuser. Throwing that champagne bottle was probably the worst thing youve done, and it wasn’t meant to be abusive- you did it out of sheer frustration, and whilst it wasn’t ideal to do it, it is understandable to a degree. I am pretty sure a bully like him wasnt ‘scared’ by that. He is trying to make you feel like the perpetrator by gaslighting ( a common abuse tactic- telling you something happened differently than it actually did- trying to make you doubt the truth and yourself) and he is trying to act like the victim. Cliched abuser tactics.

Look up the ‘water torturer’ abuser in the Freedom course- an S user who can e set such ms ululating xo trim that he can remain as cool as a cucumber, doing things to upset you and then making out you are the perpetrator.

You aren’t the perpetrator. You are reacting- to abuse- there is a difference.

It sounds too that your heightened emotion and anxiety levels are symptomatic of PTSD- or CPTSD if you are still with him. That is, your body is reacting to the trauma. We be one hyper vigilant, short tempered, anxious…

It’s because we are on constant danger alert. We feel constantly threatened.

His cruel weapon is to threaten to abandon you.i know that weapon well. Last time he did it, I somehow found the courage to divorce the bully. After years of pleading and blaming myself.

It was only after he left and I turned to Women’s Aid that I realised it wasn’t me or the fact I was an emotional nightmare- it was because he was a cruel perpetrator.

Sometimes, it’s hard to see their behaviour as abuse, because they dresser up and hide it cleverly, so you think it’s your fault.

You aren’t a robot. You are a human being with feelings and needs. Anyone living with a controlling abuser ends up emotional, sick or dead.

I became more panicky about housework- as this was all he would let me control, I guess. It was my way of creating some order in the chaos.

OCD can be a response to stressful situations, so next time he critics you for your OCD, tell the monster that he caused it.

The greatest gift you can give to yourself is to let him go. You’re worth far more.

And the greatest gift you can give him is to tell him he is guilty of abuse. No more enabling his abuse and taking responsibility for his horrible unkindness.

Separating from an abuser is hard.it sounds like you are traumatically bonded to him. But we are all here to help you come through it.

He’s nothing but a bully.

[Serenity]

PS

If you know you meant to throw the bottle on the floor, you meant to throw it on the floor!

Don’t let him make you think any different!

Look up gaslighting.

💛

[Lisa]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum! I am so pleased to see that you have had some supportive replies. I just wanted to show you some support. I am sorry to hear that you have had such a stressful and upsetting time. Your relationship certainly sounds very difficult and perhaps not very healthy. It might be helpful for you to get some support from your local Women’s Aid group to talk through everything and perhaps to have some counselling. They may offer you access to The Freedom Program which will help you to understand abuse and control and may help to shed a light on your ex partners behaviour. I am sorry to read that you struggle with OCD, I hope that you are getting some help from your GP to improve that.

We are all here for you so please keep posting.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Starmoon]

Hi, your process of thinking sounds an awful lot like mine did when I first started posting on here.
It’s so sad to read how much you are blaming yourself!
It sounds like you’ve been in a really bad place and had to deal with an awful lot. I would put money on him coming back to you and or telling you he wants to try again… I think this will be a big telling point in him. And ultimately it depends on how you act as to how he will play the game.
If you appear strong and go no contact, I almost guarantee he will come back telling you he’s made a huge mistake. Research love bombing. He will make you feel special and make promises he’l never keep.
If you come across as blaming and hating yourself, he may say he’l come back if you promise to change and get help etc etc.. I’ve experienced both tactics over and over again.
You are human- they fact that you are blaming yourself and feeling this way proves totally that you are not the abuaer here- he is! I felt exactly how you do now!! I had such little selfesteem when I met him- he saw me coming!! I spent my whole life allowing people to walk over me, absorbing blame and not validating my own feelings, to the point I thought I was a bad person. When he came along I already knew subconsciously that I would basically tolerate anything he did and just be gratful… I developed anxiety while I was with him and at the peak of the abuse when I was heavily pregnant and hormonal, I convinced myself I had borderline personality disorder too. But an interesting fact there is- women in long term abuse can often show traits of bpd- because of the abuse.
Ok so you have ocd… And its exacerbated hugely by the trauma that he is causing you in your relationship!
A loving partner would support you threw troubling times, help you manage any issues you may have!
The most simple way to look at this is- if he decided for what ever reason that he didn’t love you, wether that’s because you have ocd, anxiety, depression, a drug problem or three heads… What ever reason he manifests for wanting to leave- any half decent person would walk away with a passionate consedierate explanation and then they wouldn’t go back. If he comes back- this speaks volumes, it means he’s going to try and control you.
Honestly… I could be wrong but your post really does remind me of how I was when I was in the thick of the abuse. My whole perception was off In a massive way because he’s coercively abused me for so long. I suspect that’s what’s going on here.
Read the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. It massively helped me

[Peaceful Pig]

Yep, I totally agree and think you’ve been given excellent advice there. I can’t put it any clearer than has already been said. It is so hard to see the truth when you are in it and so controlled. I completely believed all the problems in my family and in my marriage were my fault and also accused of madness/ personality disorder etc. It’s a shock to realise the truth but I’m glad you sought some clarity and hope you have some support around you x*x

[Starmoon]

Please keep posting, most of us know exactly what an abused woman sounds like… Because we’ve either been one or still are one.
We will validate you x

[Anonymous]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I really appreciate them so much.

After reading all your replies I think I am starting to see him in a different light for the first time. I am still miserable and still am doubting it a lot but I am starting to seriously consider how abusive he might have been etc. It is starting to make some sense now. But I still don’t know if I’ll go back to thinking how I was before, say, tomorrow or the next minute. I really don’t know.

I saw some of my ex in the description of the water torturer type of abuser. He used to tell me that he wouldn’t discuss anything with me until I was calm. Even though at first I wouldn’t be angry just a bit upset then I’d get more frustrated and raise my voice and get more crazy which then made me think it was all my fault after all. He uses my emotions as a criticism sometimes if he feels threatened by them or annoyed and sometimes says that he isn’t doing anything wrong because he’s calm. But then when he gets angry he’ll usually say that I pushed him to that point with all my criticisms/questioning him on things he says and ocd rituals (which I know is all wrong on my part btw) and that when he gets angry or shouts it’s my fault. Although he’ll eventually apologise afterwards. Also, the gas lighting makes some sense for him. Although, gas lighting seems difficult to recognise to me. And I wonder if I did it to him or not. It’s so confusing.

I can tell I’ve changed my perspective a bit or am thinking of changing my perspective because I am able to mention his behaviour more without feeling the need to mention my behaviour so much in the same post or paragraph. As I am scared of blaming him too much, playing the victim, twisting the story, being bias and manipulating people into thinking I was the one who was abused when I still do think it was the other way around. But am thinking a bit less like that now.

It doesn’t seem like he will come back. He’s already broken up with me and moved all his stuff out and stayed in a youth hostel in the same city. This has happened twice since January. And I begged to come back and say I’d change and wouldn’t let my ocd affect him or criticise him or be moody or start arguments etc. and I’d just be nice. But then something outside of the relationship happened which triggered my ocd and then I couldn’t keep it up for long and then we got into more arguments and things turned bad again which I’m still basically thinking is my fault… Then a couple of weeks ago I didn’t talk to him for 2 days after he brought up something about one of the people from that horrible accommodation which is traumatising for me. He brought it up in an argument when he didn’t need to and I felt like he did it on purpose and I didn’t want to speak to him because I was scared he’d say something else about it. He tried to apologise but I still wouldn’t speak to him. He just made an honest mistake but I over reacted and of course I should have just accepted his apology. At the time I just wanted space but now I see it was horrible and I was giving him the silent treatment and it have been awful for him. (detail removed by moderator). It all felt very dramatic at the time I guess because it seemed to come out of the blue all of a sudden and was a shock. Before he said that he’d decided he was leaving and breaking up with me anyway but after he said that then I said I didn’t want to be with him anyway (although I didn’t mean it I just though I did when I said it).(detail removed by moderator) He doesn’t remember a lot of things when he gets angry in arguments (I think it is genuine though that he doesn’t remember). I think he was just reacting against my feelings about it and expressed his view on it as the opposite of mine to prove a point or react against me actually be traumatised by it. I know he does”t feel as strongly or was affected by it the same as me which is obviously fine but since he moved out and changed his perspective he’s said that it wasn’t okay of course and he’s sorry it happened etc. So I think he didn’t really mean the stuff he came out with in the argument he was just being extreme to react against my being traumatised. As he was so hurt by me ignoring him for 2 days and taking my being traumatised/triggered out on him which is obviously wrong.

So anyway I then reflected for a bit, calmed down and realised that I understand his perspective more and that he doesn’t really mean those things (detail removed by moderator) and I said I understand and that I know he doesn’t mean it and I accept his opinion and sorry I hurt him by giving him the silent treatment and sorry for all the other things I’ve done. And we walked around a bit together and he said he’d give me one final chance as what he wants is to just be happy together and for me to better. But then I think I was feeling more anxious because of all those things he’d said and we ended up in more little arguments over the next couple of days. I was not controlling about ocd stuff but my ocd anxiety was strong (detail removed by moderator). Then he didn’t really say anything and kept walking and just ignored me. I stopped walking and he just walked off ahead and I just remember him walking quickly away and tried to call out to him but he could;t hear. (detail removed by moderator). I know it was stupid I just made an honest mistake and only realised afterwards how it was an inconsiderate thing to do and would have hurt him. Also, I was so stupid that I actually miscalculated how long it would take me to walk and we actually ended up missing our train! (detail removed by moderator) So then I apologised (detail removed by moderator) But he was really annoyed I’d made him miss his train and took it as a huge rejection. He said he can’t trust me and he said I was lying that he walked off from me and ignored me. . Then he just says, “that’s it, isn’t it. Don’t want to be with you anymore” and runs off from me down the underground again. Then he blocks my number and doesn’t speak to me. I only got to speak to him and find out what heI said i’m sorry and I know I should have at least called him on my phone straight away if not ran after him (detail removed by moderator) and he wanted me to admit I was lying when I wasn’t. (detail removed by moderator)

I called him the other day as I had to speak to him about something and also wanted to know if he was ok and my phone was on ‘no number’ (I think my number is still blocked) and he answered. I feel bad because I basically tricked him into picking up as he didn’t know it was me even though I had my reasons for calling (I won’t go into that now). He said he’ll be ok (detail removed by moderator) He asked about my therapy and spoke about him trying to make new friends then at the end of the call he said it was nice to speak to me. I tried to call him again the next day for another reason (I know stupid, desperate and disrespecting his boundaries agin) and he didn’t answer though probably because he knows it was me which is completely understandable as he’s trying to heal. Anyway, it all seems so final as he has found a new place and everything (detail removed by moderator)I still love him. I’ve never loved anyone else or had anyone else really love, understand, encourage, support and inspire to follow my dreams like him. I know it sounds so cliche and cheesy but it’s true.

[Anonymous]

(detail removed by moderator)

I am starting to see things at least a bit more balanced now but still feel bad for my behaviour, i’m not sure and keep almost going back to how badly I was blaming myself as it still makes sense…

[Starmoon]

I wish you were able to read my posts from last year. The old forum posts haven’t saved but you really are exactly where I was last year.
You are a good person and you want to explain the situation fully from both perspectives because you don’t want any one to judge him unfairly. My posts sounded so much like yours and I honestly believed that everyone would say it wasn’t abuse… To someone who hasn’t experienced abuse, they may naturally try and relate to both you and him. To see things from both points of view and to treat him with compassion. That’s what you’re doing by understanding and seeing it from his side. There is so much phycology in understanding abuse. I bet you read that book and thought ‘oh but I do that, and I’m sure I’ve done this to him too’… So you probably think that you’re the abusive one!!! Trust me- you aren’t!!! In the nicest way possible- your perception on all of this, on how to be treated and how you’re treating him- it’s been distorted by him. It’s been distorted by little tiny coercive tactics that you didn’t even know where happening.
Last year I convinced myself that it was all my fault. I promised to be loving to worship him and never cause any more problems ever again. I went beyond subconsciously being able to tell it was abuse and I became an utter shell. Far from over reacting- I no longer reacted to anything he did at all. I literally took everything… But that was no fun for him!! So he upped the abuse, not only emotionally but physically, he sexually assulted me… But I never said no so how could I pin anything on him- I did anything he wanted because I felt I wasn’t worth saying no. And if I did I thought I’d lose him. He physically assulted me and even drugged me (detail removed by moderator). He only admitted doing so because it effected the medication I was on and I ended up in hospital. I lied for him and told doctors I’d been out drinking with a friend and some one must have spiked my drink.
I know you’re probably thinking that if your ex did that to you then you’d know it was wrong and that at the moment you still can’t totally pinpoint what’s going on. But last year I actually said the words ‘if he physically hurt me- at least I’d know it was abuse and it wasn’t my fault’….. But even when he did- I still made excuses for him and told people his side of the story so I didn’t look like I was trying to make him look bad.
Believe me- HE IS AN ABUSER! He’s done a number on you and at the moment you have no idea how badly he’s abused you!! But the longer you’re able to stay away from him the more clear things will get.
Two other books you should defiantly read are manipulated by hg Tudor. And why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.
When I first came on here, I struggled so much to see him in the dominator book. And I actually thought maybe I was the abuser…. But eventually things became more clear. He was arrested (detail removed by moderator)for assult and I finally made a statement against him. I’m facing so so many battles now but believe me- time away from him (as hard as it has been to maintain) has been exactly what I needed. The fog truly clears! I still have says I blame myself but on the whole I can see allot more clearly.
I wanted my ex back every time before- I’d bed him to come home and promise to change. But I didn’t need to change because I’m not the problem, he is.
My ex left me so so many times, he moved out and rented new places… We have children together and a wedding booked so I would always think each time was the last but he always came back. Please don’t take any hope from that though. Your ex will be back but that’s not a good thing. You DO deserve to be in a healthy loving relationship. Your ocd is nothing to be ashamed of and you should never ever ever be sorry for having it. You should never ever be in a position where you have to promise someone that you will repress your problems…. That means you aren’t validating your own feelings!!
Please keep posting xxxx

[Anonymous]

Not sure what happened with my last post or what details I am allowed to put in my posts. But a lot of the story I was telling I was removed including large parts which didn’t say a specific location. And also one part has been taken and moved to another place so the story doesn’t really make sense anymore in parts. So anyone reading please just ignore the majority of my last long post.

And thank you Starmoon for replying again.

[Author]

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