This topic contains 38 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  EbonyRaven 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #69949
     clementine 
    Participant

    Hi,

    I have previously tried to leave my husband several times and never been quite strong enough to do it due to the way he behaves. He’s threatened to fight me for the kids, (detail removed by moderator), threatened to go bankrupt so I would be forced to sell our house, turned up places knowing where I’d be with the children and causing a scene so I had to leave with him, letting himself in the house in the middle of the night waking me up to ‘talk’, telling me I’ll have to take on half his (detail removed by moderator) debt in his name, threatening suicide, punching walls, telling the children (detail removed by moderator) Etc.

    These incidences were all a few years ago now, but I left (detail removed by moderator) because of his temper and continually feeling coerced into sex (I knew how many times I could say no before I’d have to give in to keep the peace) – staying with family a few hours away, but I was guilted into coming home and dropping the divorce because I felt so awful for the kids and he was telling me I wouldn’t be able to afford life without him, told me he’d contest the divorce, that he’d name a friend of mine on the divorce papers because he believes we’ve been having an affair (not true), accusing me of other affairs, playing Dad of year with the kids.

    I tried to make it work, believing that it was me as this is what he always tells me, and that he was going to change because yet again, he blamed his temper on his mental health tablets, had them changed and his temper is mostly fine now – but I know he’s still an angry man, I’m still waiting for his outburst all the time, usually over nothing. I feel that I don’t trust him – previously when I’ve tried to leave he’s come out and told me his ex-wife was physically abusive, he was sexually abused, that he was abused by someone else (I’d not heard any of this despite being married for several years by these points- a new one every time I tried to leave). He’s told me things like (detail removed by moderator), but this turned out not to be true – yet he’s so angry at me because I don’t believe his lies. I don’t know what’s true and what’s not anymore.

    I told him in (detail removed by moderator) that I wanted to still divorce him and he’s ranged from angry to agreeable. But he’s also told me he’ll move out, (detail removed by moderator) But I know he’s not – he’s spending money on useless stuff so I know he’s not saving for a deposit.

    I don’t know how to proceed. The only place I have to go is a holiday home (detail removed by moderator). I don’t know if I can just take the kids and go. Would he keep them from me if I let them visit? How do I sort contact? Can I claim benefits at a holiday home with no postal address? I can’t afford divorce. All I know is that I’ve stayed in the house with him since (detail removed by moderator)and I just can’t take it mentally anymore, even though he is behaving.

    A few people have told me to ring WA but I can never get through and I’m always with either him or the children or both so there’s rarely a good time to call back. I called my local centre and they just kept telling me to come in weekly for their freedom course, but I said I couldn’t because I can’t go out for three hours every week without my husband knowing I’m up to something. He always comes with me, etc. The woman was really unhelpful when I pointed it out. She told me to come in for a half hour appointment with a solicitor but I had no childcare because it was so short notice.

    I don’t know what to do for the best. I’m ready to call it quits on this marriage but I don’t know how to get out. He’s made it clear he’ll fight me for everything and won’t move out until he’s forced to. I don’t have the money to afford solicitors which he knows and I’m scared of actually filing for divorce because it will be like striking a match. I literally shake when he starts on me, even though he’s never hit me. My body just gets flooded with fear and adrenaline and I can’t handle it.

    Like I said, I’m happy to go to the holiday home but don’t know if I can take the kids that far away. It’s also only a two bed place, and no space for all three kids in one room – so I don’t know if he could use that against me staying there as one of the kids would be in my room.

    Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.

  • #69954
     Sadness 
    Participant

    So sorry you are going through this there is a order you can get if there is abuse that he can’t be near you or kids try record when he shouts so you have evidence .You might feel safe if he can’t come near you.ITs such are hard time for you stay strong x

  • #69955
     KIP. 
    Participant

    He sounds very much like my ex. Full of lies and hot air. You need to find out facts first. Not the lies he’s telling you and using to manipulate you. Rights for Women offer free legal advice, please try them when you can. If you have no income you may qualify for legal aid. If you can speak to your GP about his and get it logged on your notes this will help in future. Ask Rights for Women about legal aid in domestic abuse. I think it will be in your favour to mention this when applying and having it noted by your GP is proof. You may be able to have him removed from the marital home if you can prove abuse. So keep a journal and any evidence. It’s more likely he will be made to leave as he works and you are a stay at home mum. Practically, how is he going to look after 3 kids. You may be able to persuade a court that he should be in the holiday home until the divorce is agreed. Please do not believe a word he says. He’s doing nothing and going nowhere so it’s upto you to fight for your freedom.

    • #69957
       clementine 
      Participant

      Sadness – When I tried to leave last time my solicitor told me I could get a non-molestation order to have him removed, but when I actually asked her to start paperwork for it she backtracked telling me that as he was now playing Dad of the year, a court wouldn’t deem him a risk to live with.

      He knows he has to behave or I will go down that route so hes doing just that.

    • #69959
       clementine 
      Participant

      KIP – I should also add – it’s not our holiday home. It belongs to my family. He wouldn’t be welcome to stay there.

    • #69958
       clementine 
      Participant

      KIP – I’ve been told I don’t qualify for legal aid.

      I know they are most dangerous at this time which is why I’m here asking for advice – because I’m so scared to do it – previously when I’ve tried to leave he’s raised a hand to me but didn’t actually hit me, but I really though he was going to, him punching walls, head butting stuff, turning up knowing where I’d be and letting himself into the house.

  • #69956
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Just wanted to add. Do not tell him what you are doing. These men are most dangerous when we try to leave. A temporary emergency court order can remove him quickly when you’re not there. And keep him away until things are sorted. He can’t bully acourt or a good solicitor. Let them deal with him because you won’t be able to do iton your own. He is not your responsibility.

  • #69976
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Clementine, I love your name. The trouble with our husband’s is they rely on us being very scared of what they might do. They’ve shown us the ferocity of their temper, the rages they go into, punching walls, head butting them too. They are quite mad at times. Being able to leave is literally a step by step achievement, with extremely skall baby steps. Could you get to see your gp and let them know everything that is going on, it took me months before I could do that, but with the help of the ladies on here, I did manage to do it. She advised women’s aid and a solicitor, the thing is these visits are noted, let them know how what hes doing and saying and most importantly threatening and how it’s affecting your health. I was so worried about the financial side of our marriage, with the mortgage, recent home improvement loan, which I’m paying instead of him for some reason.in a marriage all debt is joint, it is in your interests to start proceedings as soon as possible as any debt he incurs after its began, you won’t be liable for. All debt is paid from the sale of the house, and to be honest would you rather be free of him, living in peace and quiet or fighting over bricks and mortar. Also you could ask if lawyers fees could be paid on completion of the sale of the house. Women’s aid have their own solicitors who specialise in DA, do you know for definate you’re not entitled to legal aid. If you’re a stay at home mum, I’m sure you would get it, then what happens is they do what’s called ‘claw back’, where the fees are paid from the sale of the house too. Their solicitor can also apply for an interim exclusion order which will get your husband out of the family home, since he works and could in the eyes of the law afford to rent somewhere. You don’t need to be anywhere near the house while the order is served and he had a set time in which to leave, if he doesn’t go, I’m sure they could force him also if he won’t allow the sale of the house the courts can force the sale to go through too.what they need for the order is a letter from someone in authority eg. dr, confirming his behaviour is detrimental to your health and 2 statements of abuse, one from you and anither from someone who has witnessed his behaviour and seen the change in your over time. There’s templates on line to start you off with these statements. It’s daunting but the courts need facts in order to proceed. Please have faith in yourself, there’s a glimmer of hope, grab onto it, fight for your freedom my friend. We’re behind you all the way, ask us anything,keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power. You have a secret weapon now Clementine….US
    IWMB 💕💕

    • #69999
       clementine 
      Participant

      Hi,

      Thanks for your reply.

      I don’t want to go to the GP as I don’t want them to refer us to social services. It’s just not something I’m happy to do. I’ve heard too many social services horror stories. Also, I feel like I’m wasting their time. So many people when I’ve tried to tell them how he behaves have looked at me like I’m mad and just say, ‘oh yeah, my husband does that too – drives me insane’

      I wonder sometimes if it IS me like he says- he tells me I don’t talk to him, which I don’t because I’m so scared of his reaction over such minor things, tells me I’ve never let him be part of the family (when I say he’s never made any effort since day one with the kids – NEVER takes them out on his own, or helps with homework, etc), tells me I live in la-la land if I think other husbands don’t swear at their wives and lose their temper, that he doesn’t smack around the house – I’m just over sensitive and because he’s a big man he obviously makes more noise when he’s moving around.

      I have debt in my own name too so I’m hoping he’ll have to keep his debt and me, mine. If that makes sense? I’m so angry about it because I didn’t know he was in so much debt.

      Ideally, I don’t want to sell the house. It is our children’s home and I would hope he would want them to have that security.

      It is also owned outright. I’m worried that if I had to sell, I wouldn’t get another mortgage with three dependents. Then the thousands that are tied up in the house would be spent on renting – I was given the money on the sole purpose of it being a deposit for the house. I wouldn’t get another mortgage.

      I was told I was not entitled to legal aid as I have no proof of him being abusive – the same as the non molestation order. It is literally his word against mine and I’m worried he will lie about me to solicitors/court. Last time when I filed for divorce he completely denied the things he had done and I worry he’ll make up stuff about me (because he said he would, and he seems to genuinely believe his own lies).

      I just don’t know how to proceed. I am scared to file for divorce again because of how he behaved last time and still having to live with him.

      I think I’m just finding it hard as well because I worry about him. He tells me he doesn’t have the money to move out and to pay child maintenance – which to be honest is true. He doesn’t have a good relationship with his family and they don’t really bother with him so he has next to no support.

      I’m so scared about the future. Angry because he has a right to share the children and I’m devastated that he can treat me the way he has and I can choose to walk away but my children, vulnerable, impressionable children, can’t. There’s no protection for them.

      I just want to walk out of the door with the kids and never look back. I feel like I can’t deal with divorce while living here with him. It’s too much. The whole of the last year has been so fragile and I can’t take anymore.

      When he’s back at work in a couple of days I’m going to try to ring again, but I don’t really know how they can help me.

  • #70000
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi again Clementine. First things first, look up about the FOG that is created in an abusive relationship, that will help put things back into perspective. I was worrying b constantly just before I started posting on here. My situation isn’t changed but I do see things clearer now. Once the fear is lifted even just a little bit, we can begin to work out way out. I won’t lie z its not easy, especially now that you’ve admitted to yoursekf what you’re husband is, but you are on your way out. It wont happen overnight, things will only progress at your pace.
    As to regards to your fear about the doctor contacting social services, they won’t. They are there for you, 💜
    Secondly, in 2015 a law was passed that verbal, emotional and psychological abuse is a crime and as such comes with a custodial sentence of up to 5 years. Your husband had limited to you in regards to how much debt he’s in, he will continue to lie inn every aspect of your relationship. Unless he’s a lawyer, don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth, and even if he is still don’t. Layers get divorced snd lose their children just the same as other citizens. What he is doing to you is criminal. It’s all about power and control. Mine’s had one simple wee job to do last night, refused to do it, said he’d do it in the morning. Well it’s morning now and he wasn’t up in time, so now I’m left to make phone calls and organise the said thing to be done. All because he wouldn’t do that one wee thing. Power and Control.
    How are you coping with the day to day things, are you managing to eat anything?. Think of your life as being on a plane and its crashing, the oxygen masks are hanging down but you’re panicking trying to get masks for everyone else but YOURSELF. Put yours on first, then you’ll be able to help sort out everyone else. You’ve made the first move towards that mask, you’re on here, you’re talking to us. 💜
    You won’t be wasting your doctirs time, they are there as much fir our mental wellbeing as much as our physical health too. Social services dont get involved unless someone reports you to them, or the children look as if they’ve been hurt on purpose. Choose who you tell about you’re husband, not everyone gets it, plus soneine those we tell, they’re going through the same on their relationships but haven’t yet recognised it. Anyone’s who’s being/been abused will always try and offer you some form of comfort, even if it’s just a shoulder to cry on.
    You are not to blame for this in any way, oh yes he’ll blame you, but this is on him 100%.
    Once you soeak to the right peopke about what he is doing you will get legal aid, you can also get to keep yuour own home, women’s aid are brilliant, if you cant get through to the national helpline try your local one. They do have their own solicitors who specialise in DA. It’s very scarey contacting everyone, you feel as if you’re doing everything behind his back, he’ll find out. I know I do. I keep telling myself, if I knew what he was like at the beginning would I have carried on with this relationship and the answer is no. Pure as simple.
    If your husbsnd is wirking he has the money you move out, what hes telling you is he isn’t going anywhere, he needs the’security’ of home. He might not be able to ‘afford’ it either depends on how much debt he’s in, but debt is always fixable. I was in a whole load of debt at one time. We owned our own business at one time, we got out just as austerity was being felt. I eventually contacted a money advice service and the rest is history as they say. But I had to deal with thst on my own he said it was my problem we’d better not list the house. I’ve never felt as I’ll in my whole life, but I fixed it, without his help even though we were both liable for the debts. I know if I can do that I well get out of this relationship one day. With our help and guidance you can to.
    We’re all believers in making lists on here. Could you do the same. Write down what you want out of this relationship when it ends, what you won’t give up, what you are prepared to give up and what you’ll compromise on. Also could you start writing down any instances of abusive words or behaviour from him in a separate journal, if either is aimed at you, the children, other people, inanimate objects. Anything that’proves’ his behaviour. You will get legal aid if you are in a low paid job, are a stay at home mum. Laws HAVE changed. You don’t need physical proof nowadays. Unreasonable behaviours is grounds fir divorce. I said, I feel I’m walking on eggshells, nothing I do or say is right, the goalposts change constantly. Using those words were enough for WA solicitor to say I believe you, I’ll take your case. Knowledge is power Clementine, you have a secret weapon now…US
    Keep posting, keep reading others posts to. I wish you all the luck in the world, you can do this, for you and your children.
    IWMB 💕💕

    • #70026
       clementine 
      Participant

      My fear is being without the children, being able/unable to work due to childcare constraints, him having unsupervised access.

      I want the house and the kids. I’d be happy to perhaps buy him out 70/30 but I know he won’t go for this as hell just fight to the back teeth for the sake of not giving me what I want.

      But I also worry if I bought him out, he’d be able to get a bigger rental and then would be able to have the children more.

      I’m going to ring WA when he’s back at work and try and find some way to do the freedom course – I know you can do it online, but I want to meet the others doing the course too as I feel that would be beneficial.

      I’m not averse to leaving myself, but like I said – the only place I have to go is a holiday home several hours away, so I’d be taking the kids somewhere with no friends, etc. I’d be on my own in terms of support too and I don’t know how visitation would work. Plus he’d be so angry if I went there again. (detail removed by Moderator)

      I know now that his behaviour is abusive but he doesn’t see it that way. He feels his behaviour is completely justified. I find that hard that he can’t take accountability for it.

      I was so looking forward to the new year and making some progress on getting out but I just don’t know what steps to take now I’m actually here!

      Stupid isn’t it? I’m so jealous of these women who take their kids and go and don’t feel one ounce of guilt. I wish I could be lol them.

  • #70029
     Sadness 
    Participant

    I am in the same situation it’s very scary if I leave with kids it will lead to so many other problems like will he be able to pull himself together will he kill him self will he come looking for me and I dont know if I had the strength .If he is been Abusive you could get him removed from home and supervised visits !You are not alone x

    • #70036
       clementine 
      Participant

      Sadness- I was told that I wouldn’t be able to have him removed from the house as he’s been on his best behaviour for a while now so he’s not considered a risk to live with.

      I’m sorry you’re going through the same. How are you coping with it?

      I’ve bought a fresh notebook this morning and will make some notes about leaving – what I want, where I see it heading, phone numbers that I may need and advice from wa when I get a chance to ring them – so I’m feeling kind of positive about that. Feels like a tiny step – just need to find somewhere to hide it as husband likes to go through my things.

  • #70037
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Clementine, you’re doing okay, baby steps my friend it’s all we can do. Your time will come as will mine.
    Best wishes
    IWMB 💕🐟

    • #70046
       Sadness 
      Participant

      If I’m honest clementine I just keep reading and reading and can’t stop thinking about it and what he has done I know now that he will do it again and I feel when kids get to a age for answering him back he’ll will do it to them .The house is quiet for now but when he realizes there will be no honeymoon and the cycle is broken the anger will happen he texts me a lot about been depressed and sad and that he needs help but I have blocked all messages coming to my phone as he is just manipulating me .I need kids to go back to school so I can plan my plan depends on his reaction if I go for a protection order it might calm him but also could do the opposite since the (detail removed by moderator) emergency Barry Order came in to affect so I could get that I have a recording of him telling me if I drove the car he will kill me and he says it over and over again and a lot more verbal abuse I also have a pics of my bruises under my arms where he crabbed me .I hope that is enough for a barring order and if I get one locks will be changes and I will go to a refuge for a while so my kids don’t have to see the aftermath .I am in (detail removed by Moderator)so the court system could be different .Im just hoping he realizes he did wrong and it’s over and we can break up like a normal couple would .I even promise not to tell anyone about why if we broke up easy but I know it’s more control

    • #70061
       clementine 
      Participant

      I’m so glad you’ve got some proof of the way he has treated you. I hope you manage to make some progress once the kids are back at school. X

  • #70049
     xxxxhelpxxxx 
    Participant

    Hi Clementine.

    I wonder if it’s me too. I know I am no angel and can be a pain in the backside but I do not deserve all the rubbish that he gives me

    Mine has a go for not talking to him. I’m scared to talk a lot of the time. He says is disagree with everything he says. Nope, I have my own opinions! He throws himself around, slams doors, screams off in the car, shouts and screams at me, blanks me. The physical side isn’t as bad but ripping the duvet off me in the middle of the night, poking me, prodding me, pulling my hair, holding me when I don’t want to be held, holding me up against railings, chasing me when I’m trying to escape and once pinning me on the bed by my shoulders.

    He tells me he feels like I’ve got a secret life that doesn’t include him. If I message my children, he has to know. I’m not allowed to go out on my own. He has thrown a complete wobbly the couple of times I have gone out in since we’ve been together.

    He doesn’t see that his behaviour in this relationship is the same as his behaviour in his last one. I was his friend back then so I have seen it. Too complicated to explain tho.

    • #70058
       clementine 
      Participant

      Oh my goodness, yes! My husband has said so so many times how he thinks I have a secret life that I don’t let him be a part of! Word for word what you said.

      I’ve been tearing my hair out over it wondering why on Earth he thinks that – especially as he comes nearly everywhere with us – I have three children who tell Daddy everything and yet he still thinks I’m hiding something. I just don’t get it.

      I go to see friends who he knows but he chooses not to come and then blames me saying I don’t make him feel a part of our (mine and the kids’) lives. But at the same time I’m glad he doesn’t come because he has nothing nice to say about any of my friends – so I’ve always just thought – maybe he does kind of have a point. Maybe I do somehow make it obvious I don’t really want him there.

      My husband has never really been physical in as much as he’s never hit me, but he smacks around the house a lot to make me know he’s cross, he’s punched walls and doors, driving deliberately badly/fast/scary with me and the kids in the car, that kind of thing. Sometimes he’s bitten me during sex or similar and I’ve always wondered if that was intentional because in (detail removed by Moderator) odd years – I’ve never accidentally bitten someone.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this too.

  • #70083
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Clementine the biting during sex, my husband does that to, well did that, we rarely have sex now. I told him one night that I fantasized about vampires, we were talking of fantasies and I really don’t have any, I was perfectly happy with him and didn’t need to visualise sex with anyone/ thing else, but he’d been going on and on for ages so I said the first ridiculous thing I could think of. Now we all know that the neck IS an erogenous zone, but not when someone really really bites hard, sucking as to give a lovebite is okay fir a bit but it can also become too much after a while. He always went too farfarmland id end up trying to push him off me, then he’d get moody cos he was only giving me what I wanted? Is true you don’t accidentally bite someone, he’s just pushing to see how far you’d let him bite before you pulled him up on it.
    My husband also says I don’t do anything with him anymore, I can’t walk the dogs the duration he is our for, I don’t play golf, we no longer go for drives, as he always wants to stop somewhere for some fun! Wee bj while driving, like we did in the beginning, dear God my back would snap in two if I tried that. I used to lay my hand on his thigh when he was driving, now it distracts his driving so am I stupid. My oh also lets his presence known when he’s in a mood,throwing things, kicking, screaming at the dogs and when he’s really angry he’s in my face, poking my cheek, screaming in my face, spit going everywhere. You literally see the red mist coming down. he’s also an aggressive driver, he’s literally raced after a guy who cut him up, slammed his brakes on and got out of his car. He’d square up to anyone, he literally has no fear. He’s drives so fast at times I close my eyes and pray we get home safely. He’s done handbrake turns with my kids in the car, on icy roads(they were really young at the time). There is something missing in their lives, brain, they are so damaged, we just can’t fix them and it’s not our responsibility to do so.
    IWMB 💕💕

    • #70091
       clementine 
      Participant

      I’m sorry you’re coping with this too. What stops you leaving?

      I never understood why he bit me. It’s just be on the arm or somewhere and then he’d laugh saying, ‘ooops, I got carried away. Don’t know what I was doing there’ – but it used to make my blood run cold.

      I no longer take our dog for a walk. Once the kids were in bed I used to take him out but my husband would always make it clear he was annoyed at me, and if I took too long he’d be texting asking me where I was and what I was doing. Then when I got home I felt like I couldn’t go for a bath or take some time to read because he wanted me to spend time with him (despite him only working 3-4 days a week) – I just stopped taking him out. That little bit of freedom I did have, gone.

      There’s so many little things I couldn’t even go through them all. Even so, I find it hard to imagine things couldn’t be okay again – he’s behaving at the moment and I wish it could always be like this. And I hate the fact that other people only ever see this side of him.

  • #70106
     Halfwayout 
    Participant

    Hi Clementine, I hear your desperation. I will admit being there too and playing the game for peace and quiet. Im lucky I have my young adult kids for support now, but when they were little I also felt trapped, only in the last few months have they seen their Dad’s true colours as he’s taking it out on them now.
    I’m in the legal process of leaving but staying in the same house, same bed has been a nightmare, (inappropriate touching and being kicked out in the middle of the night ).
    I think I’ve got to here because I’ve learnt  about myself and why & how I react to his behaviour.
    They will only push so far as to control you and thats enough to reel you in. The times I’ve said “the next time will be the last” and it never happens because I conform. Its good that he hasn’t hit you, my OH has and attempted to force sex also, several times.
    I started to like myself, a wee while back, “me time” i.e. new perfume, walking(like you and the dog, say its good for the dog), candles just little things and the jealousy is crazy, he is using my moisturiser at the moment🤣. Some days I will get a wee rush of strength and push the boundaries, thats when I get a reaction, keep a journal. We aren’t allowed any pleasures, they aren’t happy until you’re miserable with them. He’s behaving because your conforming.
    You mentioned you solely put a deposit down on the house, not sure which law system you come under but that could be in your favour, its possible he would not be entitled.
    I would also forget the notebook, do not write things down with the possibility of him finding it, use your phone & lock it, start hiding little bits of money, cashback from shopping etc, you cannot trust him, don’t waste time caring about what he’s going to do, he doesn’t care about you.
    Start thinking about you, the kids and your next life, it will happen. xx

    • #70121
       clementine 
      Participant

      Thanks for your reply.

      I fully agree – I know he’s behaving because I’m conforming and that’s why I’m scared to actually start divorce. I think also because I have NO confidence- I’m embarrassed about my finances which I’d have to show solicitor, I’m worried about having to get house valued – three different estate agents poking and prodding and nosying, making phone calls – all those tiny little things that it takes so much courage to do because he’s taken all my confidence from me. I know it sounds silly but that’s how it is.

      I’m making myself do little bits here and there – stuff like taking stuff down the tip I wouldn’t normally do and getting new tyres for the car. Just gaining that tiny bit of confidence snippet by snippet.

      I find it easier to process stuff when it’s on paper, that’s why I want the notebook. I find it difficult to take stuff in when it’s on my phone. I’ll probably just keep it in my car which I can’t even remember the last time he got into.

      It wasn’t solely my deposit. He put in the same amount and so we’re mortgage free. As I said, at most I could buy him out 70/30 to me but I know he just wouldn’t go for it. He’d still be saying I’m ruining him and I’m just like all the other women that screw men over.

      I’m so glad you’re getting out. How is he behaving? How are you agreeing on house and kids?

      This is what worries me – I don’t think I’ll be able to live with him once I start legal side of things. The things he says to the children or shouts at me when the children are still awake in bed upstairs is awful, I don’t want to put them through it. That’s not fair on them

  • #70124
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I too need a written journal in front of me, I do have a bit in my phone which is locked but I need to see my written words for everything to remain real. I too have been getting rid of stuff, decluttering. My house is too big fir just us, so he has stuff everywhere. I’ve tried getting him to clear it away, throw out what he doesnt want, he does eventually, like years later. Just likes to do it in his own time yet expects me to tidy my stuff immediately, power and control yet again.
    I couldn’t live with my oh once the legalities begin either, that’s why I’m doing stuff now, while there isnt so much tension in the air. I too need new tyres, in any other relationship I’d have gotten them changed, but he would want to know where the money came from to get them. He knows I dont have any spare(but I do, it’s amazing how much I’ve saved from not buying unnecessary stuff)🤣💪
    It was my money that I’d saved that was the deposit on this house, but unsure now if there’s a paper trail to prove it, my money paid fir the new kitchen, his to pay the joiner to put it in.
    I’m quite happy to split any equity once this place gets sold and other debts are paid of, don’t have any problem with it. Why can’t they just leave us alone.

    IWMB 💕🐟

    • #70133
       clementine 
      Participant

      If I could get another mortgage I would quite happily sell this place or buy him out completely. But he also needs to understand that I will have the children so my capacity to work will be somewhat limited and I will not be able to get a mortgage/high rent place. He’s said so many times that if I want to leave then I should leave the kids with him and go. That’s not going to happen – he’s looked after them on his own probably less than 10 times in their lives. He can’t cook, doesn’t know how to use the washing machine, etc.

      Yes, my husband was suspicious when I got them done. When I booked the car in the garage and told him he’d need to take the kids to their group as I’d be dropping the car off – he accused me of having an affair and wanted me to change the time to drop it off so that he could come with me to prove I wasn’t up to no good.

      I’m clawing back some confidence little by little.

  • #70134
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    That’s all we can do Clementine, claw back out independence little by little. You’re doing so well🤗🤗

  • #70139
     xxxxhelpxxxx 
    Participant

    Mine has been in a bad mood for a couple of days. My mum wants me to go out with her this week, just me. I not see her a few times a year. He doesn’t like her, she doesn’t like him. Last time I went out with her, I had to make all sorts of compromises like not eating so we could eat together and limiting the time I spent with her. He turned up where we were and stood outside looking in thru the windows. He also came in and had a go cos there was cutlery in front of me!! I had a bit of my mums started and the cutlery was put there before we even sat down! He then proceeded to write out notes on paper and hold them up at the windows. Things like ‘I love you’ and ‘let’s talk, I love you’. He said it was because he felt excluded and afraid of losing me.

    • #70141
       clementine 
      Participant

      What?! That’s crazy! What did your mum say? That’s so weird.

    • #70148
       xxxxhelpxxxx 
      Participant

      My mum knows most of what’s going on. She’s been in an abusive relationship in the past. She was angry but also scared. She told him firmly to go away and leave us alone!

      He’s trying to make a compromise again this time. I can go out if I eat with him first! He can not dictate to me who I go out with and what I do! He’s pushed sofas around, ‘cried’ tried to be nice, slammed doors and is now sitting in his car telling me how unreasonably I’m being

  • #70154
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi @help, this is not a compromise sort of situation. You can go but you’ll eat with me first, he’s really delusional isn’t he?
    I’m getting stronger, whenever I do go out that involves food, he gets something at home, I’ve even stopped making him it before I go. 💪💪 and I eat where I go. But then again my oh isn’t yours and yours isn’t mine. What I put up with in my relationship you probably wouldn’t and vice versa. Could you tell him how unrealistic and silly his demands are. Or just don’t tell him there’s food involved,we do do anything for a quiet life don’t we, I’m standing up more for myself now, with regards going in to see my parents, just need to start being more firm with seeing my daughter, son and grandson. I dont really want to see them, he’s made the distance between pretty big, but it’s something important I have to fight fir. I’ve not had a grown-up relationship with my kids because of him, I’m not sure if I’ll have one when we are divorced, but it’s something I have to do to let him know he’s not the boss of me.
    Good luck @help, you can stand up to him. Don’t let the fear of what he’ll say or do stop you seeing your mum. I have my own demons with my parents, something he’s used to make me think its been my choice to cut down visiting them. It didn’t matter if I have a relationship with my family or not, but I should be able to choose one if it’s what I want, 💜💜take care mr friend
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70168
     Halfwayout 
    Participant

    I totally understand the embarrassment @clementine speaking to your solicitor , the humiliation of letting yourself get into this mess, I hated admitting some of the degrading things he did to me. Solicitors have seen it all before, (get a Domestic Abuse savvy one) and remember they only deal in facts not feelings. I remind myself of a saying when I was giving birth “hang your dignity up at the labour ward door on the way in”.
    I didn’t want to move out of the family home as the kids wanted to stay with me not him, but he wants it sold and I think now, its for the best, a fresh start, it’s only four walls with some bad memories and a home is home where your happy, I also feel he would feel entitled to be there.
    My kids are young adults so I’m lucky I don’t have to share custody. Before I started divorce proceedings the future scared me, I didn’t see a way out, I have a poorly paid job & no savings as he controlled everything, but I’m so looking forward to being skint on my terms, something I will control.
    Living in the same house is a rollercoaster, he will love bomb one minute then call me a sulky b*****d the next. I go grey rock with him, no talking , but the wait for solicitors is as abusive, self torture .
    I understand the mania @help, and the way you seem to take it in your stride, we accept every next step as the new normal, now I’m wondering who’s crazier, us for putting up with it or them for doing it.

  • #70240
     clementine 
    Participant

    Well, maybe I spoke too soon. I popped out earlier and when I got home he said to me that the kids had overheard him on the phone to an estate agent about a flat.

    So it does look like he might be moving out soon.

    I’m not getting my hopes up too much, but the fact he’s confirmed it with the kids makes it seem like he might be making a definite plan.

    I’m going to ring WA tomorrow asking him to ring me back on Wednesday as I’ve hot plans tomorrow. I’ve made a list of things I want to talk about/ask about and questions o have, etc, as I’m not very confident on the phone.

    I’ve also started making a list of what I need to do – so find a financial advisor who can guide me in the right direction, especially with my debts, look into the freedom course, research single car insurance policies, start writing draft letters to companies asking them to put the bills in my name so I can just add the dates later and send them all off… lots of stuff to start getting on with.

    I really do feel I will be able to cope with divorcing him if I’m not having to live with him.

    I’m also going to rewrite my CV and write a covering letter to explain why I’ve not worked for so long – so that’ll be ready to start job hunting.

    Please keep your fingers crossed for me that he’s not just playing games.

    Though if he is, I’m going to ask WA whether or not I can leave with the kids and if I do, what do I do first kind of thing. So if he doesn’t move out like he’s promising then I will take the kids and go myself.

  • #70245
     KIP. 
    Participant

    In my opinion he’s going nowhere. He could already be gone if he wanted to. He’s making too much of a show. I would make plans to leave with the children and don’t tell him. Even if he moves out, he’s entitled to return any time he wants. You need a safe place where he has no control. Don’t tell him of your plans, just start making them. The fact that he’s confirmed it with the kids just means he’s dragged them into his game. My ex did the same. Dragged my poor son into things. There’s no need to involve the children at this stage and when the time comes they should be told the truth and reassured by both of you. My ex was filling my sons head with rubbish and telling him not to tell me about it. It was awful when the truth came out and my son had been told to keep things from me.

    • #70248
       clementine 
      Participant

      🙁

      I can’t go anywhere until (detail removed by Moderator) as until then the holiday home is shut. If he’s not got something on paper by then I’ll be going. I just want to speak to WA first to make sure I do all the right things once I’ve left.

  • #70254
     Halfwayout 
    Participant

    I don’t believe him either, as @kip says its all show. My one did the same, said he was moving out and years later he’s still here and we’re hoping to move out but he’s prolonging that as well by not getting his finances in order. They love the control game, don’t trust them, play your own game and plan to get out.
    Keep up the good work in sorting out your insurance, CV, financial advisor, that will give you so much confidence. 💪💪

  • #70257
     clementine 
    Participant

    🙁

    I’m still hopeful and positive. Even if I am being naive.

    Like I said, holiday home open again in (detail removed by Moderator) so if he’s not got anything solid by then then I’m taking the kids and going.

    Lots to do either way before then so I’m focusing on those things.

  • #70258
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I’ll 3rd that. It’s too coincidental isn’t it. Keep posting, keep planning, keep getting as much info as you can, start getting rid of excess stuff, I’m in the process of shredding a lot of paperwork, Tying up loose ends. You’ve got this love.💜
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70393
     clementine 
    Participant

    Having a bit of a rubbish day –

    A couple of times over the last year I’ve suspected my best friend is lying to me. (detail removed by moderator)  Told me she’d had a miscarriage and doctor thought she was about ( detail removed by moderator) I know everyone is different but I’m not believing it. 🙁

    (Removed by moderator)

    I know these are stupid things, and I would feel awful if she has miscarried and I don’t believe her – but her stories are a bit inconsistent.

    Is this the sort of person I attract or am I just being overly sceptical because of the way my husband has been over the years?

    Just feeling rough today. Maybe I just feel everyone is out to get me.

  • #70397
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there, yeah, everyone’s different when they miscarry.i know I bled fir a good few months (4) in the first trimester of both pregnancies. I too miscarried, (detail removed by moderator)there’s no way i could have bathed or walked a dog either, the cramps were worse than labour pains. At 12 weeks (detail removed by moderator)she’d have been in agony, but everyone’s different🤔 she does seem to be a bit of a story teller. You aren’t attracting any type of person, these people are attracted to us, because of our kindness and sympathy, what they do is mistake those attributes fir weakness. They’re not. I’d rather be me than them any day of the week. You’re entitled to feeling down, after realising what our oh is and living with that knowledge, fighting to get away or any sense of normal back is exhausting. Have your rough day, some days are worse than others, but you’ll get through this, promise.

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70485
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Great to see you have a plan, that will really help you stay strong and focus.

    Little bit of cv advice; (Detail removed by moderator). Just put your time at home as ‘Raising a family’ or similar, then a short paragraph,list or whatever your preference is, on the transferable skills this gives you.

    Household management, Domestic finances, time management, multi-tasking, patience and resilience etc, etc.

    No need to go into more detail than that really.

    Good luck.

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