Need some advice please

[miamoo]

My OH can be kind, he’s very hardworking and I honestly don’t think he has any idea of how he’s making me feel. I think he is an undiagnosed autistic, although I could never suggest this to him as he would get very angry. This is how he deals with any emotion he doesn’t like, he gets angry and its usually directed at me. Not violent, but very aggressive nasty and bullying like behaviour.
The main issues I have are
-He gets very angry if I don’t answer my phone (accuses me of not caring about him)
-He wants the house clean and tidy all the time, not regular clean and tidy, clean and tidy doing things his way. He has rules for everything, but he doesn’t call them rules, just the right way to do it. If I don’t do it his way he gets angry. Over the years the rules increase and I cant remember them all, sometimes he changes his mind and doesn’t tell me, and swears blind he did tell me, so it doesn’t matter how hard I try I can never be sure I have done things right. The rules also apply to cooking and food preparation.
– He doesn’t exactly keep money from me, because he will give me money, but it depends what mood he is in. I don’t work (which was both of our choices in the beginning my kids were small and it made sense as he earned a lot) But now even though the kids aren’t at home I cant work as he wont have the dog left alone more than a few hours, and he expects me to be here. He gets angry if I don’t. He works, goes out when he wants and does what he wants, but I can’t because I have to be around for the dog.
He pays all the bills. If I ever complain about anything he says I’m ungrateful he works hard and pays the bills. He has a lot of disposable income which is his money, which he spends on what he wants. I have to ask if I need money and tell him what its for, he does usually give it to me, but I rarely ask as I hate asking.

I have in the past tried to talk to him, but he just gets angry, he wont listen, says I’m too sensitive, that if I just did things properly then he wouldn’t get angry, or says he isn’t angry he’s just telling me. I don’t say anything now, I feel worn down and like I’m not even a person anymore. I only realised that this could be classed as abuse when I read an article on emotional abuse.
We live as 2 separate people mostly, we do nothing together anymore, he wont socialise he hates it, unless its what he wants to do with his friends and he goes alone. He wont do anything at all unless he wants to, if I suggest the cinema, a meal etc he says no he cant afford it, or he’ll pay for me to go alone. He hasn’t taken me out for 2 years, we don’t do anything together. He doesn’t hug or kiss me, he never has done, he doesn’t like any physical contact. He goes away most weekends doing a hobby he loves, and I encourage him to go as its a break from the control, but its making me realise how bad things are as I dread him coming back. I honestly think he is quite happy and hasn’t got the slightest clue of how I feel.

[Ayanna]

Hi, welcome to this forum. You are in the right place here.
I am really sorry that you have to suffer like this.
You achieved a huge accomplishment by realizing that you are being abused and that you came on here.
You should be in a position of earning your own money, because your children seem to be old enough now to do this.
Your partner is clearly depriving you of fulfilling your potentials and developing yourself.
I would say that you suffer from emotional abuse and financial abuse.
There might be other forms of abuse you did not mention.
Abuse is multi faceted and hardly ever only one form of abuse occurs.
Do you have any chance of getting in touch with your local Women’s Aid?
I am sure you would benefit from input from a WA worker.
This man has drained you and taken all the perspectives you ever had about life from you. For this reason it is helpful to hear which options you have.

Be careful about talking to him about what you do.
Abuse worsens once the abuser notices that the victim tries to take control of her life.

There is a charity, Rights of Women, which need to be called with the call back function. They can advise you on your rights. They are lawyers who dedicate their work to abused women.

Keep posting here. x*x

[Serenity]

Whatever his reasons, it is a relationship based upon unequal power and control – him having the power and control.

Look up the Power and Control Wheel, and you will probably recognise a lot of your life in it. If someone abusers, they tend to do it in a myriad of ways.

He likes the fact that you need to ask him for money. It gives him a feeling of power. He knows saying no would maybe be too much, as he knows he has stopped you earning, but we might feel resentful about giving you money, so refuse to go out anywhere with you that will involve spending money.

My ex was also very money- oriented and mean with money, spending it freely only on himself.

My ex tried to limit me in my career, and keep me low on funds. I think he liked feeling that I was dependent on him- then he could do as he wished, as he knew I would put up with it as I felt stuck.

He hated the fact that I started to earn my own money when the kids reached that age- and took my money off me!

Not going out with you and telling you to go alone is very unkind. That is emotional snide, really- the withdrawal of support or intimacy.

My ex eventually only went out with his mates and was dreadful at any events which he hadn’t organised, or didn’t revolve around him.

I would be careful about thinking that he doesn’t know what he doing, or doesn’t realise. Look up covert abuse. This abuse isn’t immediately obvious, and the abuser’s motives aren’t transparent, but is still very real. Look up coercive control.

Keep posting X

[miamoo]

Thanks for the replies, I have been looking at the things you suggested and I feel a bit mind blown to be honest. Things that other people say happen to them, stupid little things that I hadn’t even thought of, eg going out and refusing to take a key so I have to wait up. I hadn’t even thought twice about that, yes it did annoy me, sometimes I would be tired and say of please just take a key and he would say no because its heavy in his pocket. I said take it off the key ring then, but then he said no he might lose it. So I would have to wait up. Also Not letting me make any decisions, even small things. I let my adult daughter take her tea upstairs to eat in her room, he wasn’t happy about it I could tell by his face. He said he didn’t want her eating upstairs because we have cream carpets and I said its ok she wont spill it, so in front of her he said ok then, but don’t come moaning to me when the carpet is ruined (which I never would anyway). He waited for my daughter to go in her room and then he came into the livingroom and said don’t let her eat upstairs again ok. But in a horrible tone, one that I know not to disagree with. I know that might sound like a reasonable request not eating messy food on a cream carpet, but its the fact that he used a tone that scared me into being quiet.
I kind of guessed that he used emotional abuse to control me, when I read the article, but I had no idea just how much he was doing it. I feel so confused.

[Ayanna]

Let it sink in, Miamoo. It takes time.
The more you know the stronger you will get. x*x

[miamoo]

I have just read a book that was suggested to another person, called living with the dominator, and from reading that I felt that most of it didn’t apply to me. 2 of the examples are quite similar to him, but not completely him, I didn’t read it and think ‘this is my OH’, I thought he had some traits from a few of the different types. Is that normal for him to not exactly fit into a ‘type’?

[miamoo]

I’ve just remembered something. Years ago he used to go straight to the pub every single night after work, he would come home late drunk, and if I complained or even commented he would start an argument about something I hadn’t done (not cooked tea or not cleaned up properly) I just got so sick of the rows that I stopped complaining and was just grateful that if I was ok with him, he was nice to me. He paid all the bills and he was tired after work and needed to distress (it was his excuse and that’s what I told myself and my friends if they ever commented). At this time our relationship was more ‘normal’ in that he would take me out, and one evening when we were in the pub, his friend was saying he had to go home or his wife would go mad, and my OH said “Just get in there first”, when his mate asked what he meant he said ” Just cause a row when you get in, she’ll soon stop moaning”. I can’t believe I forgot about this, this is basically proving to me that he does know what he is doing, I need to remember this when I start doubting myself. Sorry, it just helps me to get this out there. I can see it in black and white.

[Herindoors]

Hi Miamoo and welcome. I also read Living with the Dominator and felt most of it didn’t apply to my abuser. Then I read ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lunday and it all came into focus. I would highly recommend it as it shows many differant types of abuser, mine had a bit of all of them in him, some almost exactly him.
“I just got so sick of the rows that I stopped complaining” – walking on eggshells around him basically. Coersive control.
I understand what you mean about him knowing what he is doing. I could only see this afterwards (with external insight from our child) but my ex used to keep me up all night shouting at me. At times he would take ‘breaks’ and i would sit there wondering if I could now get to bed. But then he would come back and start again. My child pointed out to me afterwards (poor thing had to listen to them 🙁 ) that he was going off and thinking and strategising the next part of the argument…and that’s exactly wat he was doing. I was often so tired but that point that I would end up just agreeing, apologising, whatever it took to get a few hours sleep so I could work the next day.
Keep posting, keep reading and keep safe xxxx

[Ayanna]

Yes, abusers know exactly what they do. They are very much in control of themselves, even when they lead us to believe otherwise.
It is normal that an abuser has traits of several or all types of the dominator.
There is never only one form of abuse either. Always there are several forms of abuse.

[Starmoon]

I also didn’t feel that book applied to me.
Give ‘the verbally abusive relationship’ by Patricia Evans a read. This book was the first thing that started to open my eyes. And then ‘manipulated by hg Tudor’ xx

[miamoo]

Thanks everyone, I don’t know why but its like my brain doesn’t want this to be abuse, it just wants this to be me over reacting. I feel like I’m suffocated by him and fighting against myself.
I will check out the other books recommended, Is there anywhere you can read books free online?
I have just got kindle unlimited because it is free for 1 month, but the ‘why does he do that’ isn’t included.
I just wanted to add that In the King of the castle section, that is how his dominance started, asking me where things are, work top, shoes, phone charger, nail cutters, bank card this started straight away, and if I didn’t get up to help him look (well look for him) he would deliberately trash the cupboard or drawer tipping everything out but saying it was an accident he was only looking, and it would be left for me to tidy up. So now if he says he cant find something I go running like an idiot because otherwise I have mess to clean up. That part definitely applies.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Mia moo, I read tons of free books about abuse on Kindle unlimited, you will see the free ones & the cheap ones X*x👍👍👍

[Mellowyellow]

Hey miamoo I hope you’re OK. Your partner and mine could be the same person! The tidying and cleaning I’m meant to do, never to his standard, while trying to look after a baby. It’s exhausting isn’t it. They are very similar and it is abuse. You deserve way better. It may take a long time for you to have the strength to move on, I’m still in the process. We recently married which was a tactic so I have more rights but also I dreamt it may all get better. I too think oh today is a good day! This isn’t abuse. It’s natural, we all want a happy ending. It’s very hard to just walk out. You’re doing great as you’ve realised it isn’t right. Sending hugs and strength xx

[godschild]

Good to hear to from you mellow yellow, Ive often wondered if you went ahead with marriage, hope you are ok xxxxx

[Mellowyellow]

Ah thanks Godschild. Hope you’re OK? Silly me, I went ahead! Thought it would all be a fairytale! The day was wonderful and I said the vows with meaning. A friend who knows the situation had to leave as she couldn’t stop crying cos she wanted me to have a happy life. It’s not been long and he’s already sleeping downstairs cos I mentioned about going to visit a friend with the baby who is a fair drive away while he’s on a work trip! I’ve spoken to lovely lady at women’s aid and I’m going to go. I just need to do it! I’m so drained from constant walking on eggshells and having to keep the house perfect.
Sorry miamoo this is your post. Hope you’re OK? X*x

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