21st March 2016 at 2:41 pm #12008
I decided to speak to my ex about his controlling behaviour as I have been doing a lot of soul searching and have realised that I am controlled by a few close people around me, I have found myself d**g what makes them happy in place of my ex as he is no longer in the house and I feel so confused. My ex has said that he thinks he caused 75% of the issues in our relationship and that he understands that no one has the right to control you etc but he also said that he found it extremely difficult fitting into my life as he said he can see that I am surrounded by a lot of controlling people including him. He said that he is capable of having a normal relationship as he was with his kid’s mum for years and the reason he said it worked was because they always put each other first and I don’t know what to make of this statement as I did feel that I put him first, he said he felt like he was fighting against ever one around me especially my mum and one particular friend as they were also very controlling and I can sort of see what he is saying as I have found them to be even more like that since he’s been gone. I really don’t know how I feel now because I do love him 🙁
22nd March 2016 at 8:31 am #12057SerenityParticipant
We very often go for partners who resemble our childhood carers ( as this is our ‘norm’), so it’s no surprise that one of your parents is also controlling. I think we sometimes choose friends who resemble this too.
I think one controlling person gets irked by another, as they are battling for precedence. My mum clashed with my ex a lot, plus I see now that my mum tried to spend an amount of time with me during my marriage that wasn’t healthy. She should have given me more privacy and time to be with my family, but this was echoed in how she tried to take over my children too and monopolise family time off.
Also, when my ex left my mum swooped in on me like a vulture, trying to monopolise and control. It was horrendous. I finally told her that she was being bullying.
My ex says my mum is controlling, and he is right, she is, but this doesn’t mean he isn’t! In fact he is very much like her.
I fact that he ‘percentagises’ the blame and doesn’t just say a simple sorry speaks volumes- he wants to keep that little bit of control.
If you do see controlling and abusive behaviour yours in others ( your mum, etc)- and you will do, since after abuse we seem to realise who all the abusers are in out life- then fix up firm boundaries. Don’t let anyone move in on you and take over where he left off x*x
22nd March 2016 at 5:27 pm #12080
Everything you said is so true to my life and it’s only now that I can see it so clearly I can see now how I got so low trying to please everyone around me especially my husband, my mum and my friend because they all had unreal expectations on my time I was never going to win xx
22nd March 2016 at 5:46 pm #12081HerindoorsParticipant
Just to echo what Serenity has said above. It was my father who was controlling with me first. This became my normal and so I sought it out in my partner relationships. My ex used to say how awful my dad was. One of my ‘light bulb’ moments was when I realised that they were so similar. Luckily I don’t have controlling friends.
I keep my Dad at a reasonable distance now and it works. I still see him but I limit the time.
However you can’t keep a partner at a reasonable distance! That’s why I had to end my marriage and love myself more than I loved him.
Good luck x*x
22nd March 2016 at 9:38 pm #12088BooboobeedooParticipant
Boyfriend dislikes my family as they have done things in the past which was moved on from (my brother got annoyed and claimed my bf doesn’t let me drink, this was cleared up immediately and have all had good times together since) we had a big fight after I had friends down and I was drunk and he kept calling me names because I’d left the place untidy. This escalated to an argument and he pushed me off the couch. I fell on the floor and said I can’t believe you did that that’s domestic violence. His response was leave your key I’m not having someone stay who is making false accusations. After this I tried to talk about the fact my bf makes constant hurtful remarks about family and I asked him to stop he then justified it because of previous things they’d done and saying I stand up for them and never for him, which is not true. He then blackmailed me with information about my relative, that I told him in confidence told me if I didn’t call my family horrible names and not speak to them he would share this info. I begged him on my knees and got called embarrassing. Also said he would attack a parent if they contested him. Prior to this argument he called me lazy c**t, ooze stupidity, f**king moron. Also mood turns quickly and he would tell me to stay at my parents (leave the house we both live in and pay for) I ended the relationship, he was very cool at first but weeks on he’s now apologising and begging which has now turned to him saying I have left him struggling with money and work, that I’ve left because he’s finally cleared my debt!! He obviously can’t see its the betrayal of trust and disrespect that made me leave. I do love him and we had some great times and he’s great in many ways very helpful taking me to and from work but I have been hurt and believe it’s unforgivable what he said, he has said he done this because of how my family have acted in the past justifying his actions. I’m sorry for rambling! It’s been a couple of weeks now and he’s written a lovely letter but now harassing me by email even though I have clearly and nicely asked to be left alone to let my mind rest. I just want an opinion to see if I’ve done the right thing? He obviously has his side of the story but I have never done anything to intentionally hurt him, I always looked after him the best I could. But felt like I irritated him a lot.. I was unwell with a chest infection once and he asked me to stay at my parents because I kept him awake. In combination with everything else I felt treated poorly.
23rd March 2016 at 7:35 am #12107
It’s so hard when you still love them and the relationship not being what you hoped it would be, my ex is in counselling and has admitted he was at fault but I’m still worried that it might go back to how it was if I let him back into my life, he is in his own flat now so I wouldn’t let him move back into my house but I think my biggest struggle is how I dealt with it all when it went wrong I told people that I shouldn’t of because they have used the information they had as a weapon against me and on top of trying to clear my head about my husband’s behaviour towards me I am also dealing with how my mum and friend controlled & interfered in my life so much too. I think it’s all about boundaries I am now standing up for myself with everyone so there have been a few fall outs but I can’t spend my life being dictated too and since my husband left and everyone else has taken over I feel like I’m drowning! xx
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