Need some help to see clearly

[Biscuitsandbikes]

It’s a long story and I don’t know where to start, but I need some clarity.

(Detail removed by moderator) I just looked at my husband and thought I didn’t really know him anymore. I told him I thought we needed to talk.

When I told him the issues which I felt had lead to this, because some things were historical some ongoing, he thought I was just trying to make him feel bad. He was quite dismissive. Overall I could describe my feeling as being invisible or that I couldn’t do anything right.

Here’s some of the items I’ve struggled to get past:
1. ‘We need to have sex more or I’ll leave you’ – no discussion about working through issues…. just I needed to make sure it happened more often. Thereafter, every month when I got my period comments along the lines of ‘ (detail removed by moderator)’. It made me i) hide that I was on my period and ii) feel obliged to have sex with him.

2. Complaining/ strict adherence to rules. No ham for his sandwiches…. sulking (even if other sandwich filling was available). I’d forget to get milk/ bread…. sighing and exasperation. Even if i’d Cleaned the house from top to bottom. Complaining I’d not put his favourite vegetable with every meal (even if I’d cooked a special meal and it wasn’t part of the recipe).

3. General dismissiveness of anything I asked for. As we have children, I asked that if he was going out for the whole day with friends that he didn’t just assume I was going to cover the childcare. He just replied with… but you never have anything going on. I don’t see the point.

There’s also, the being told I’m dull, boring (then denying it). Occasionally slagging me off to his sister while I was present. Sulks , moods , when things weren’t going well at work. He was ‘depressed’, but always OK to go out with mates.

I hated who I became. I cried almost every day.

So, I got myself a job, then a better one, then a better one and 2 promotions later, I earn double what he does. But now he tells my children I work too much (I do, do long hours sometimes). I’m still dull, and he can’t talk to me about work, or what’s going on with me because he’s too depressed about his own job.

Some days I feel strong and I don’t have to put up with this. Some days I feel like I’m picking at wounds and I should forgive and move fwd. He has stopped SOME of the behaviours as I told him I wanted to leave. He has thrown a few ‘you’re a cold hearted b****’ phrases my way too.

Writing it down sounds awful, sometimes he looks like a wounded puppy though, and I think it must be me.

[KIP.]

It doesn’t matter what you do, how you change your behaviour, how you bow down to his terms. He will simply change the goal posts. You could be the most perfect partner in the world and that would be a fault. It’s about making you change, keeping the control, changing the goal posts to keep,you confused and running round trying to please him. If he can’t see fault he will simply make something up and abuse you over that. He gets his thrills and sense of power and kicks from making you look small, destroying your self esteem and self confidence. It’s the hardest thing to accept we are being abused by the very person who is supposed to love us. He’s an emotional vampire and abuse always gets worse. He won’t change, his goal in life it to pull the rug from under you, usually when you are happy or achieving good things. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, I’ve minimised my oh’s behaviour for decades, always used some reason he was angry, depressed or whatever. He’s being so nice just now but a relative died recently and he refused to go to the funeral, that was my enough is enough moment. I’ve been upping my plans to leave since that day, the lawyer has it as my official day my marriage ended, I get a key to a wee flat soon through WA. It’s taken me months of posting and reading others posts and downloading ebooks and doing some serious soul searching to get to this point.
It is not you, none of this is your fault, you could be Mother theresa,a cordon bleu chef, wealthy, he’d still find fault with what you say and do. It’s very difficult accepting the man we loved is abusive but all the people we talk to to make sense of what’s going on can’t be wrong. For someone to tell you if you dont give me sex I’ll go elsewhere is emotional abuse, my oh said that to me for years, or if I’m not getting it you must be getting it elsewhere. Their insecurities know no bounds. You say he’s stopped some of the behaviour but I bet he’s doing other things in their place, changing the goal posts or saying you’re being crazy, you’re imagining things.
I was meeting my oh recently,was asked to bring something for him. I’ve been all over the place because of something else and I forgot to lift it. As I drew up beside him it dawned on me I’d forgotten to lift it. I broke down in tears, was so scared to get out my car to tell him, do you know what, he’s like these things happen. My jaw hit the floor. He’s like you’ve asked me not to shout at you so I’m not. But my reaction to forgetting the thing, that’s not normal, and no amount of him saying he’s changing will change what he’s done for years. Understanding ‘why he does that’, available as a pdf to download fir free, it’s written by Lundy Bancroft, it goes a long way to explain the dynamics. Also as KIP suggests living with the dominater by Pat Craven is also a very good book.Keep posting and learning, it will give you the strength to get him out of your life. Sometimes baby steps is all we can do. We’re here to help and guide each other through getting out, living with and life after an abusive man.
Take care IWMB 💞💞

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Thank you both for replying. I’ve read both those books. Lundy Bancroft especially. I know what you mean about the forgetting things, sometimes he’d shout. Mostly act exasperated. Sometimes I’d ask why he couldn’t just make do with x,y or z…ie.mpoint out its not the end of the world. He didn’t seem to care that he’d upset me. Then getting upset was the thing he didn’t like. ‘Why do you cry all the time? Why aren’t you happy?’.

I guess I’ve read so much, but it’s not frequent. He normally explains my gripes away. I only really even thought about it not just being me when last year, myself and my children hid in their bedroom when he got angry as he’d had a bad day. He threw a tantrum, just like a toddler.

He’s shouted at the children- he threatens to leave if they disobey him (e says this to them directly). More tantrums from him. But then they are usually being naughty so I feel unsure how to handle it, even though I know they shouldn’t be treated like that regardless of what they have done.

I feel like it’s my fault. It feels like I shouldn’t have worked hard at work. He uses the children against me when I think about calling it a day. ‘ Mummy doesn’t want to be a family anymore’.

[Iwantmeback]

Oh Biscuitandbikes, he’s totally gaslighting you and emotionally abusing you and the children too.😔 He’s showing them that to get what they want in life if they throw a tantrum they’ll get it and plenty of attention in the process. You’re the only one who can stop the cycle of abuse, get off that merry go round. This is not your fault, as mothers we take on everyone’s guilt. We’re guilty if we work and are guilty if we dont, we can’t win. I can’t believe he’s making the children think they’d be responsible if he left, that’s a terrible burden to put on a child, 😡😡asx to reading, it’s taken me a few rereads of the books before they started to open my eyes. Once you begin to see how his behaviour is the same as mine and many of the other ladies partner’s, it confirms this isn’t you. Have you heard of trauma bonding and FOG which stands for fear obligation and guilt in an abusive relationship. Reach out, talk to women’s aid, they can guide you through the steps to take, each step you take, YOU are in control of. No-one will make you do something you’re not ready to take.
Best wishes IWMB 💞😌

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Thank you for your kind thoughts. As I recall, ‘the victim’ was the one that stood out to me in ‘the Dominator’.

I have read about trauma bonding. I have read and read. I feel strong because of my work. Then we have an incident and I am strong for the children. Then it hurts. And the hurt is huge. Then it’s OK for a while.

My children are trying so hard to be loving to help stop the incidents. Sometimes they say they wish he’d go. Then things calm down and they think it’s all sorted. I guess I know now. I won’t be wasting anyone’s time if I call women’s aid.

Thanks for giving me some validation on how I feel.

Sending you all best wishes. X

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