Need some kind advice.

[Happiermex]

Hi everyone..
Just needing some friendly advice really.. Iv been doing ok I’m on tablets to help with my anxiety.. I have been free (detail removed by moderator) all in all I don’t feel the pain I did at first but now and then I have a wave of emotion like panic where I just feel I need him back and my mind floods. I’m trying to let these emotions flow so I can deal with them but it’s hard. I have times where my mind clicks and I can’t believe we aren’t together any more. I have really good days which I’m grateful for and I can’t cry over it which can be annoying but I’m not sure if that’s my tablets. I’m taking each day as it comes and keeping positive but sometimes I stop and feel so lost because I grabbed my freedom and ran and didn’t look back, and now Iv stopped it’s catching up to me abit.

[Anonymous]

Very very normal sweetheart. Kinda like someone coming out of a cult. Many similarities actually, or coming out of an addiction. I think routine is key. Write out a schedule for yourself maybe and make it healthy. Not something you are going to go omg, I dread this! No, no…

But your mind is going to back to old ruts like a horse goes back to a worm path. If we are going to go contrary to that then guess what, you are laying new tracks crisscross over the old ones and there’s going to be big bumps and you’re going to want to go back to the smooth ruts.

So you have to be diligent about laying the new ones, they will smooth out. Our brain sends signals when we say something. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, or body reacts accordingly, lies or truth. So when we start and keep up telling truth to our body, guess what? Then our emotions, our chemical response to those commands will start doing something else. We have control over all that but we can’t walk around on autopilot and doing what’s familiar.

We have to be cognitive about changing behavior and do it consistently. You can’t feed yourself poison and expect your body to be happy, right? Same here. So write out a plan, a schedule that you can do and do it “with much love”. Set your alarm. Get up, get buzzing.

Things like…….

Eating healthy and things you actually like
Put on some really good music and get your dance groove going on
Wake your silly self UP
Dance around like a wild woman
Do something special for yourself, long nice hot bath, treatment for your skin/hair, etc.
Journal for awhile
Clean up, do chores, while playing good music
Play some funny youtubes or animal ones, anything positive/funny
Make a “Plan list” for the future, check it out every day, tweek it
Make time to read and educate yourself
Find a hobby, art, music, crafts, etc.
Eat a good lunch, good dinner, prepare meals for the next day too
Get out and get some sunshine, sit in it, soak it up
Study up on good breathing exercises for anxiety
Maybe take up Tai Chi, have an excellent one for beginners on youtube if you are interested
Stay in contact with your support, whoever they are
Do a bit of verbal stuff, just you in your space here, say things outloud, whatever you need to say, let out anger, whatever. Blast it!
Make yourself something special to eat.
Watch Ted talks, amazing people on there

So just make a schedule out of whatever here and try and follow it because if you let yourself go without doing that you’re more than likely going to go right back to old ruts and patterns so you have to forcibly change that and your will to the plow, okay? It takes work and you have to be about it. This is your life and your muscles are weak but they can get stronger. The longer you are away, the more you don’t give into to temptation, the easier it gets. It does……….Put some positive and lovely back into your life. Infuse it, it’s there……..all online, all out in nature too. All around us. Bring it in close to you. Don’t sit in your pile and stew, please don’t do that. Hoping you won’t need the pills for long. I hate them myself. A bit stubborn here. I’ll do it myself thank you very much! LOL! I was on them once so they helped then but got off asap.

[Escapee]

Hi Happiermex,

I promise it will get easier. I’m a few months ahead of you ……it’s flipping tough isn’t it!?

Having had my hand held by the ladies on here that are further done the recovery path, I can say that it’s all part of recovery process. Our heads (and hearts) are having to process everything we’ve been through and start to see him (or her) for what he is. I still have moments of self doubt, I still get moments when I want to share something with him. But we need to remember why we had to leave.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember to be kind to yourself.

Big hugs to you ❤️

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

If you’ve not been on your meds for long then some of your feelings may be side effects to them, hopefully it will settle down soon.

You have done so well. You have gone from ‘Flight’ mode and are in the early stages of ‘Recovery’. This is all part of the Denial to Recovery Pyramid of Domestic Abuse.

There are five stages: Denial, Acceptance, Realisation, Flight, Recovery.

Draw yourself a big triangle and divide it into five pieces by drawing horizontal lines across it.

In the widest chunk at the bottom is Denial, the next chunk up is Acceptance, the next up is Realisation, the next is Flight, then the little tip at the top is Recovery. That tip is so little because not many ladies make it there. Then add a ladder. The ladder is always in Denial to Recovery, and always just one rung away from Flight.

For years I lived up and down between Denial, Acceptance and Realisation, with a Flight every so often, then sucked back in to his lies and going between D, A, R again. I never made it to Recovery until I left for the… let’s just say it wasn’t quite as many as the statistical 7! I gave him way too many chances though.

So the longer you are in Flight and don’t give in to him and fall for all his old tricks and attempted charm to woo you back with all the BS, you start getting nearer to Recovery. I’ve been in Recovery now for well over a decade. So keep going, you never want to go back down that ladder. There’s no ladder from Flight to Recovery. Once you’ve been in Flight for long enough, Recovery is just a step away.

[Anonymous]

Wants To Help, you are a great help, thank you so much for your posts, it’s so appreciated – quick question, do you have a reference online/book explaining the Denial to Recovery Pyramid of Abuse? I’ve tried googling it and can’t find anything? Thanks so much in advance! x

[Wants To Help]

@TheHopeThatKillsYou, thank you so much, I really appreciate your kind words.

I don’t actually have any links to it, it was drawn by one of my DA Support Workers in my group sessions many years ago. She drew it on a flip chart and explained it. It was one of a few very simple diagrams that explained things in what I call that ‘penny drops moment’. It was one of those moments where a ‘picture paints a thousand words’ sort of thing, which is why I have remembered it so well.

Denial
This is where we make excuses for his behaviour.
“Oh, he didn’t mean it, he’s just tired.”
“He’ll be better tomorrow, he’s had a hard day at work.”
“He was soooo out of character, I think I must have really upset him.”

Acceptance
“His last girlfriend cheated on him and was a real psycho, so he’s just so jealous I’ll do the same.”
“He’s just not a sociable person.”
“He likes his privacy”
“He gets a bit heavy handed sometimes, but he doesn’t hurt me too bad, it’s just a slap every now and then.”

Realisation
“This isn’t right”
“I’m pretty sure this is Domestic Abuse”
“He’s never going to be happy with anything I say or do.”
“He does assault me and he’s totally out of order, there’s no reason for him to do this.”
“I can’t let the kids carry on living like this.”
So we flee.

FLIGHT
During FLIGHT, the Cycle of Abuse was introduced which shows how he works to get us to go back. Hence us climbing back down the ladder again to the up and down stages between D, A, R. The reason we keep going up and down between D, A, R is due to gaslighting.

Statistics state that a woman will leave 7 times on average before finally leaving for good. So up and down the ladder we go, until we FINALLY leave for good. That resistance stage in FLIGHT can take a long time, the urges to go back are there, it takes real will power to stay there. But we are sick to death of that b****y ladder and going up and down it, so in the end, we kick it away. Then we know we’re on our way to recovery.

Really glad it has helped you too 🙂

[Anonymous]

Have you looked at our “Book List” thread? Search for it, forget now what topic it is under but it’s got some excellent references, books, youtubes, etc. on there for you!

[Anonymous]

It’s under – Is this Abuse topic. Just bumped it up for you.

[Happiermex]

Thank you so much everyone, I am a strong minded person when I do finally decide something lol so I am solid on I will never go back. I know what’s waiting for me if I went back and that’s not what I want, it’s just thoughs odd days where I stop and feel the emotion and think my god I actually did it! And the feelings I had before of fear etc have gone so it’s easy to forget how you once felt I wish I kept the photos I took after he would hurt me but I deleted them in fear he would find them.. they would have helped me feel nothing if I could get them back.

[Author]

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