Need tips on everything!!

[Whoopsie]

Hi ladies

I’m a few months out of an abusive relationship. He never hit me, but he was abusive in every other way and I was scared he was capable of hitting me. He’d break things during arguments and even injure himself doing it, drawing blood sometimes. Of course I’d get the blame because I made him that angry. There were so many red flags I ignored, one – because I didn’t see it as abuse as he wasn’t psychically hitting me and two – because I desperately wanted to believe he loved me as much as he said he did and sometimes he could be the best man in the world. The times between him being good and bad got lesser and lesser. I began getting extremely anxious and then I became depressed. I’ve suffered from anxiety in the past so I blamed the fact that I hadn’t dealt with my anxiety for it turning into depression. I didn’t realise it was the constant cycle of ups and downs in my relationship. One minute I was the best woman in the world, the next the eight of me made him feel sick. I remember crying on the phone to my friend that I felt like I didn’t even look like myself anymore (my one last remaining friend…. the rest stopped speaking to me because of him but I foolishly took his side). I remember feeling like I was losing my mind at this point, I know now it was because of the abuse and literally incessant gaslighting. The gaslighting was such a big problem, I’ve never experienced anything to that extent. It was only when I entered counselling that I began to see that my relationship was abusive, but it took me a long time to admit that. He sucked me back in every time. I left at (detail removed by Moderator) but took him back a few months after the biggest and longest display of love bombing and begging I’d ever seen (oh and also a lot of guilt tripping…. he stopped short of saying he’d kill himself but played a lot on his mental health). He rang me every day crying like a baby for a long tome. I was at a very low point when I took him back and I just needed help (I posted about what happened if anyone wants to read), he was only back for a few days then left me when I needed him most. The day before he’d said he was going nowhere. And has subsequently blamed me for it every chance he gets. It’s my own fault I’ve had to go through a hard time alone. If only I’d just make changes then it’d be ok. He’s a nightmare. A psychological nightmare!!

I went no contact but he reached out a few months later. I was at a low point again and he showed me a little bit of love and kindness I desperately needed and I feel for it. The very next day he turned nasty again. I went no contact and blocked him again only for him to start calling me again. He said if I didn’t speak to him on the phone he’d come to my home. He always has a way of reeling me in to speaking to him. I took nothing but abuse on the phone calls. I refused to entertain it and this seemed to make him mad. I think he thought he could have me back and when I said no he was stunned. When I stopped answering he started leaving voicemails. One voice mail did make me laugh because it tells a totally different story of his last episode of abuse and I have another voicemail from him from a few months previous and in it he completely contradicts his latest story! One person – two voicemails, two different stories. How strange. It also baffles me that someone can try and tell me a different story of things that happened when I WAS LITERALLY THERE lol I was proud of myself tho as I didn’t rise to his bait. I don’t know if he tells untrue stories on the voicemails because he genuinely believes them or if he’s trying to get a reaction out of me and for me to call him back to defend myself or try tell the story of what ‘actually happened’ but I’ve done that too many times before so I’d only be wasting my breath.

Anyway I suppose why I came on here was to ask how do you get over being gaslit so badly and start to trust your gut again? I feel like I might be getting somewhere because I’m starting to see now that even tho he’s very unpredictable in what he will do, he does have some patterns and I’ve been able to work out his behaviour. I look back and see I’ve been right all along about so many things. But sometimes that voice is still in my head and self doubt creeps in. I start to think maybe I am the crazy one? I wonder what if I am wrong and I am just to sensitive? He says it’s me making him react the way he does? It’s my fault when he ignores me. Counselling is helping and I’ve read lots of articles about it, I’ve read ‘why does he do that’ too. It’s just sometimes the self doubt is crippling.

I’m also a bit worried because he’s been doing some things that I feel are a bit stalkerish but he’s maintaining he doesn’t want me and his life’s been great since I blocked him… (if you read my previous post you’ll know how insensitive and cruel this statement is). I’m thinking that what I know is prob just the tip of the iceberg. He’s recently started having lunch (detail removed by Moderator) very close to my home. The (detail removed by Moderator) is close to the place he works but in all the time we were together he didn’t go there. I wouldn’t have even noticed only he said to me ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ and laughed. A family members friend lives near me and he’d asked him if any men had been around my house. This was very recently. I just don’t know what he’s playing at. I haven’t heard from him in (detail removed by Moderator) now and I wonder will that just be it. Any tips for staying strong if it’s not the end of him? I don’t want to cry or fall apart during arguments anymore. I don’t want to be filled with anxiety every time I see an unknown number on my phone. Anyone came out the other side of this and have any tips?

[Balloons]

Hey, a lot of what you’ve written sounds very familiar to me. My relationship was also psychological/emotional abuse and a lot of gaslighting. I’ve been out for around (detail removed by Moderator) months, and i still get pangs of doubt but they are getting less. I think it just takes time. Its food you have a counsellor, I’ve found mine to be invaluable. You could always talk to your local womens aid too and get some help through them? I’ve found the more people I talk to and the more support I get the more the doubt slips away.. but i do still get waves of it. It was over (detail removed by Moderator) of relationship so I’m sure it will just take time to undo all those messages he drip fed me for so many years.

Also, it sounds quite worrying about him coming to (detail removed by Moderator) near your house.. i would definitely find a way to completely block all contact from him, and if you feel scared at all to call the police. I didnt have to call the police for harassment, but im sure there will other people along soon to help with that side of things.

Just wanted to show you some support and let you know youre really not going mad and you’re definitely not alone. Xx

[Whoopsie]

Thanks for your reply balloons!

After my big speech up there about recognising abuse, I feel silly going to women’s aid for help because I compare my abuse to others and it doesn’t seem as bad. He would always tell me I was over reacting or it wasn’t as bad as I made out or it seemed. I suppose that part of being gaslit is still stuck in my mind. I’ll have to speak with my counsellor about that though.

I have had him blocked for months Everywhere and never unblocked Him. He reaches me by either just leaving a voicemail from his own number which is blocked so goes straight to voicemail, or occasionally he rings withheld. He left me alone for a few months and then I got a voicemail. He always knows the things to say to get my mind going and I see that now but couldn’t see it then, so I did call back after the first voicemail. He was basically offering closure and I thought that’s what I needed. He said he wanted to talk about how the relationship ended, I thought I’d get an apology. I ended up being gaslit even more and the blame was fully placed on me. I wish I hadn’t of bothered because I feel like it dragged me back in to another ‘cycle’. I feel silly for being dragged back in when I should of known better by this stage but I again was at a low point (I’m recovering from a sudden family bereavement during lockdown). I’m not allowed to say I’m at a low point tho or it’s ‘an excuse’. I feel like I can’t mention it, he never speaks about it, in fact it’s like it never happened. It’s not an excuse but that’s my reasoning and I wish I wasn’t so weak during those times but I’m going to try not get drawn in anymore, I’ve just been through so much recently it’s hard.

I think he’s started going for lunch near my home to check when I’m leaving the house. I have to pass that place to get anywhere. My local shop is there too. He tries to contact me more when he knows I’ve been out. But he also says his life is fantastic with me not in it and he doesn’t want anything to do with me just wants to check I’m ok after the death and say he loves me and wants to help… it’s all mind games that I can’t really work out and don’t want to be involved in at all.

I never really talk to anyone about all this because it’s so hard to work out or even explain. I’m scared if I do it’ll be confirmed I am in fact the crazy one. So I keep it in.

I’m glad to hear you’re starting to find yourself again

[Balloons]

Ho Whoopsie, I totally get where you’re coming from regarding calling womens aid. I felt exactly the same and it was months before I did. I was nervous too, and had been told by my ex that I was over reacting, that it wasn’t abuse etc etc so I felt like a fraud. The councellor I have is very good, but there was something about that call to womens aid that really helped me feel sure that it was abuse, having an expert in the area listen to my story without any judgement and then to confirm that it was text book abuse. This really was a key moment for me and I reckon it would be the same for you..

The same for talking to friends etc. Again, it was probably half a year ish before I began opening up to anyone, but their responses really surprised me. I was worried about saying anything to them because I thought I would look silly for calling it abusive when I’d never been physically attacked, and they would think i was over reacting. There were a few people that i got the feeling didnt really get it, but that really didn’t matter to me.. knowing that just one person understood (be that womens aid, or a friend) was a huge relief. Just knowing another person out there can see it for what it is to help confirm I wasn’t crazy. After years of never saying anything to anyone about it and feeling like it was my shameful secret.

My advice would be try and talk to as many people as possible, I think they might surprise you! Your local domestic abuse service might be a good start. Also, regarding the phone.. any chance you could change your number? I would say dont listen to the messages if he leaves them but I get that it is really hard to ignore them, especially when youre going through a really hard time. Changing your number might work though, and tell people not to give it to him. Hopefully he will get bored and leave you alone, but if he ramps it up at all and you feel at all scared then you should just call the police, even on 111 if its not an emergency just to let them know whats happening so they have a record if you call again. They wont necessarily act on anything, but its juts about being safe.

I’m really sorry to hear about your loss, that must be so hard to deal with through all this relationship stuff and the lock down too. Hope you’re doing okay, and just try and reach out to as many people as possible!! X

[Scottish Thistle]

Hi Woopsie, reading your post is like reading my situation.

I too was embarrassed of going to woman’s aid, not for the reason they are there but because I didn’t feel my situation was worse than someone who had been beaten, I felt I was taking someone’s place who needed it more than me, naively I always assume abuse to be assault. My abuse was mental and emotional.

Deep down I knew his behaviour wasn’t right, I knew the cycle, knew how to pretend everything was fine to the outside world until one day I left. Blocked all contact got orders out interdict and exclusion. I did feel bad and unblocked him a few months after leaving then a while after he started messaging again nice, to not so nice then to nice again and constant so I blocked him again and that’s where he has remained.

I got the blame for throwing away all our years together by not giving him a second chance – he finally used up his second chances! He manipulates the situation, makes up lies about what’s going on and what he tells people.

He started seeing someone so I thought great he’ll leave me alone want to get the house/divorce sorted but no! He is stringing that along and trying to mess with my mind but so far it’s not worked.

Mine also ‘stalks’ me in a way that he always seems to be near where I have been and always wants to know what I’m doing via mutual contacts but he doesn’t like it if I find anything out about what he is doing. He is currently on his cycle causing havoc and mayhem but ‘it’s not him that’s causing the issues…… it’s me’

I have started telling things that have gone on to people I’ve never really opened up because like going to woman’s aid I always felt people have things going on I. Their life they don’t need to hear what I dealing with. Many are shocked I kept it to myself and was still able t9 function without people knowing. I still went to work, went to gym classes etc but to me they were my release I could be someone else or the old me for a while before going back to my married life.

As mentioned talking does help and maybe go to your local police station and explain the situation to them. The police I have spoke. With have always been helpful and supportive. I found going into the station better than 101 as I felt they weren’t really interested and gave me wrong Information.

Keep strong you will get there.

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