Need to be alone

[Serenity]

Recovery is an odd thing. It’s not linear. There’s lots of ups and downs, and it’s often one step back, two steps forward.

My abuser used to try to silence me. After I got out, I almost had monophobia: I was terrified of being alone. I needed to talk, to be with people, to engage with others. It was comforting.

In the last couple of months, I have noticed how I crave time on my own. I love it. But I’m scared I am starting to love it too much! Am I becoming insular?!

I read an interesting article the other day about very how, after trauma and control, we need extra time alone, to simply experience being separate, independent. We gonthe other way. We’ve people-pleased for so long, nor we need to please ourselves.

I had jobs for many years which involved helping people on the frontline, people in crisis situations. I never felt my energy depleted- I thrived on it. But now I feel most energised when on my own. I’m a bit worried about it. Is it normal to go through these stages?

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Serenity,

I have been wondering the same thing about myself lately. I spend the vast majority of time by myself, working from home, doing yoga at home, going for walks alone, no local friends and only see my family every few weeks. And most of the time I like it this way and that worries me! I worry that I’m becoming a recluse. But like you I spent years in ‘helping people jobs’ and unlike you I did get extremely drained by it, so it feels wonderful to help myself for a change.

For me it is definitely to do with the amount of people I had in my life who it turned out were lying to me, and who betrayed, hurt or let me down in some very painful way. I don’t really feel like trying to make new friends because I can’t cope with any more betrayals and pain etc. It is too tiring and draining. I’m not sure what the answer is, but I think it is probably normal. Society puts such a focus on us all being super extroverted a social all the time, I think there are some people who are just quiet and enjoy being alone a lot and there is nothing wrong with that, even the terms ‘recluse’ and ‘he kept to himself/herself’ are so negative. I am creative and work a lot on my creative business and hobbies alone, which I love, and get inspired on my walks, which doesn’t happen as much if someone is there with me.

I think as long as it’s not making you feel bad it’s ok. I find that as long as I have some sort of social interaction each week, even if it’ just being sat in a cafe and chatting to the staff or other people there which tends to happen when I go alone, that is enough for me and I can go back into my solo creative world for another week. I do get lonely at times, and like the idea of a few good friends and a kind, healthy, inspiring new partner, but I’m also working on my own goals and my ex massively got in the way of them and ruined my productivity for pretty much a whole year, so I do feel like it’s a gift to have so much solo time. Have you set any goals for the year, things you could work on during your solo time?

[Serenity]

Thank you, Sunshine.

I think you’re right in what you say. After my divorce, I was badly taken advantage of by a lodger, and it knocked me for six. It has had quite an affect on me in terms of trusting people. I hear about charitable initiatives about inviting people into your home, and my first reaction now is to shudder, and to think that though I might give to charitable causes in some way in the future, it won’t involve me sharing my home space. My home is meant to be my haven. I want to be at home at the end of a working day and shut the world out.

Your comment that your ex got in the way of your goals resonated with me, as my ex did too. Maybe I just need time finding out what I can achieve, as he himself said that I would never achieve my potential. Once I have achieved something for myself, maybe I will feel more able to give back. You can’t give others sustenance if you are an empty well yourself.

I also -like you- believe that it’s important to accept your own personality. My family is top heavy with loud, dominant people who tried to make me think that being quieter and more sensitive was somehow wrong. Truth is that time alone helps me to feel replenished. I do have good friends, but don’t need to be with people every minute of every day. My ex was suffocating and wouldn’t let me breathe. I’m enjoying the air!

[KIP.]

I very often feel this way. Usually after I’ve taken on too much or had to deal with upsetting toxic nonsense. After court I shut myself away for 6 days and didn’t see anyone, I can’t remember a thing until day 7 I was eating peas from a can! Trauma affects us all and takes its toll. Remember our headspace is taken up firstly with dealing with the stressful events and often leaves no room for dealing with anything else. To be able to embrace being on your own and enjoy it is a good thing but human contact of the right kind is important too. Don’t be hard on yourself. That toxic smell lingers and makes things hard for us but just think how far you have come x

[bubbles]

I went through the exact same thing serenity. My abuser would leave me and vanish for days and in those days I would get myself into a state and usually go drinking for days just to be around people. This was a vicious cycle as firstly I was drinking with HIS friends as he had cut me off from my own and secondary alcohol is a depressant and everything seems worse when you drink allot.

I moved myself far away from his area with all his friends and decided to cut contact with everyone he knew and build my own life. He was in prison at the time. I vowed my home would be a happy home I spent a month before I moved getting the house looking immaculate and well decorated. My old home had been smashed up so many times it was a horrible place to live.

The first weekend in my pretty house I realised I’d forgotten to sort the sky out so I had no TV the kids were away with family and I had no friends in the area so I faced the dreaded fear of my first weekend alone! I thought i’ll just push through it! That weekend I got to learn things about myself. I became addicted. The more time I spent alone the more time I got to become me again and the more I felt better about myself. People became worried about me being alone all the time but being alone made me love myself

Few years down the line i still like my alone time but in moderation now. I work full time and volunteer so there’s not much isolation I can do but friday is my night! I drop the kids off come home, get a bath, order food, crack the wine open and put a film on. I usually end up with the music on singing away at the top of my lungs. My friends think i’m weird but to me time alone is a really good thing! Whenever I have a bad day or have to deal with horrible people that trigger my feelings I come back into my safe space for alone time. It just helps me rearrange my perspective.

For me being abused so much it’s hard not to believe it’s me with the problem but when I have alone time I can reflect and understand what happened. Usually I am more confident after too. I don’t think it’s anything you need to worry about I think you are just finding yourself again! x

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