Need to leave

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

So my partner was extra horrible last night because I’ve come down with a bug so I needed help with our child. He hates being asked to help so he was furious and made out like I was faking being ill. The way he speaks gimme infront of our child is terrible and I
Don’t want her to see it and thing it’s normal. I have decided I’m going to get Xmas day out the way then leave. Whether it be going to my families or women’s refuge or reporting him to the police so he will get removed. Once it’s done everything will be out in the open so I will probably have to quit my job and leave my house. In the mean time I need to record him losing his temper as proof. I’m terrified my child will be taken away from me though if SS get involved. It’s really holding me back from leaving, I’ve heard horror stories about SS 🙁

[Tiffany]

I don’t have children, but my understanding is that you are more likely to lose your children if they become aware that you are living with an abuser than if you leave, or get him to leave. The biggest risk to your children is your partner. This is true whether or not you leave, so gathering evidence that he is abusive is probably a good idea, as it could help ensure that he doesn’t get custody (many abusive men try to get to their ex’s through their children by fighting for custody etc, even when they gave previously had no interest in looking after them). Phone women’s aid for advice and come up with a plan.

[IrisAtwood]

Rock, that is a really positive step. Starting to think about protecting your child can be a great motivator. My (now adult) child was a major reason that I finally left my first, physically abusive husband. There was no way that I wanted my child to grow up in that kind of home.
SS will want to make sure that you and your child are safe and as someone said in an earlier post the primary issue would be whether you are still with your abuser. You have nothing to fear from their involvement as their role will be to support you and give advice that means that you and your child will be safe and well. A friend of mine was appointed a social worker who specialised in domestic abuse and they are really helpful. She helped with housing, benefits and referrals to Women’s Aid.
While you are still in the house together keep a diary of his behaviour – but make sure that he will never find it. Also be very, very, careful about getting a recording as this might trigger more extreme abuse.
Hope you find peace and safety soon.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hi there thanks for all your replies and advice. No, no one has ever mentioned my child being taken away apart from him. The only thing is, he has ammunition to use against me. Around the start of this year, we had a big argument because I found out he’d been wasting money on scratch cards again (we were very hard up for money so that’s why I was annoyed) anyway, he was furious because I ripped up the scratch card so he went into the kitchen and started smashing things, he smashed the bin, tried smashing the cupboards and then when he couldn’t he got the bin bag and tipped the entire contents all over my kitchen floor. I’m not kidding when I say he went to town, he spread it the entire length of the kitchen. I didn’t know this, I was sat in the living room crying then I went into the kitchen and saw the mess. I saw red and lost it and I hit him, not a punch as I am literally not capable of doing that to anyone. After that he spat at me, grabbed our child and ran upstairs with her. I felt so ashamed as i rarely ever lose my temper but I snapped. So if I ever take it further he will bring that up and they will just see it as we are just as bad as each other especially cause he’s never actually hit me

[Freedomfighter]

Rock, if you rarely lose your temper, never hit him before, then that’s Not abuse that’s just a human reaction to him being (detail removed by Moderator)! It’s only abuse if it’s repeated or was excessive. I don’t know this for certain, but that’s my understanding. If you’d hit him with something that would be different, but a spur of the moment slap compared to his aggressive behaviour and then spreading germs and rubbish all over your kitchen was designed to make a hell of a lot of work for you as punishment when it was his selfish act of gambling away money you couldn’t afford which started it. You not as bad as him at all. Your reactions were both understandable, also in proportion to his crimes. His behaviour was selfish and thoughtless in the beginning then escalated to aggressive violence and malicious damage . He planned how to make you suffer the most. You’re only feeling like you’re as bad as him because he’s conditioned you to think that. What would you think if it was a friend and her husband? Stay strong, but stay safe. If you don’t tell the police, at least take photos or get a friend to witness these things and document everything. Keep records for later. It will really help your case. Good luck

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Freedom fighter, I felt so bad because I’d let him get to me and wind me up so much that I snapped and now it looks like I’m the bad guy. I rarely ever lose my temper and have never hit anyone apart from that day. He was gloating about it afterwards and makes sure I never ever forget it either, it’s almost like he’s happy about it because I’ve done one worse than him so now he thinks he’s untouchable x

[KIP.]

Hey there, don’t listed to a word he says to you. He drove you to do this which is another reason you need to leave. It would be his word against yours and there are time limits on bringing charges for assault. Ring the helpline. Abusers are liars so ring Rights for Women and find out the truth. Breaking things is another way of controlling and frightening you without actually touching you but it’s still violence and against the law. You can ring 101 and speak to the Domestic Abuse police anonymously. That’s what I did. Is it a joint tennancy? Who’s name is on it. Ring the helpline for advice x

[Supermum]

My kids reported an incident to school and we now have a social worker, she’s been so kind and helpful and I’ve had no hint they want to split us up, in fact I think they are supportive of my plans to leave him. I have been very open and honest with them. I even disclosed an incident many years ago when my husband hit one of the children so hard it left a big bruise. I was terrified of SS at the time, I didn’t report it and it wasn’t discovered, but now I think it could have helped us. I told the social worker all this. She thinks I’ve become desensitised to the abuse. She said most people are not pleased to have SS involved but they can do a lot to help us.

[Mellowyellow]

Hey rockandroll how did it go, did you leave? My nusband has very similar tendencies to yours and i just eanged to let you mnow youre not alone with your feelings. I must leave (detail removed by moderator). I never used to feel like this and now i regularly do. Visualise that is. It worries me too but i think ir is simply where weve been pushed to our limit. I hope you got out, i am very close to going too x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hi there Mellow, I’m still here but the day I leave is getting closer. I did something I thought I’d never do, I told people. I called the helpline, I told my work, I told friends, and I’ve packed a drawer with mine and my daughters things that i need to take so I can grab them quickly. I almost told my family today but I am still very scared of doing that. I have got an appointment with the housing next week to discuss my options. So everything is going in the right direction! I am sorry your going through the same thing 🙁 have you got a plan put in place? Xx

[Mellowyellow]

Hey Rock, that’s great to here! Big steps to your freedom! We are in the same place in our journey i think, so nice to know we are not alone. Our abusers are so similar! Apologies for my terrible typos, not sure how you understood it ha!
Ok so i left today then ended up back!
This morning it was 9am and he’d not woken up. I went to wake him as sometimes he says 9am is too late to sleep on a weekend. Me and my daughter were playing on the bed, he then started screaming and told us to grt out, how dare i wake him. I then took my daughter out of the room, i lost it and grabbed a light top and sort of flicked it at him. He then grabbed me, three me on the bed, started shouting and pointing saying dont i ever hit him ill be sorry etc. I cant remember as i wss terrified, i thought this is it, this is where he kills me or seriously hurts me. I could see our daughter in the doorway watching. I got up and my shin was bruised frkm hitting the bed frame where he pulled me. I was going to visit family anyway, i took important docs but nothung else. Then i got talked jnto coming back by family as i had no stuff for me and my daughter. Anyway so he said he did nothjng wrong, it was me who started it. So that confirms it, he has no concept that what he did was wrong. Shall i go tomorrow? He says he isnt going to work until mid morning and i have work and daughter nursery first thing so i wont be able to come back to get clothes again.
Some friends know current situation and others knew a while ago but things are ok. I just need to go and not look back hey. Keep me posted. I would like to meet other survivors when i am free, sometimes people dont understand and it’s quite isolating? I feel like a failure, my fault and i know that is wrong.
Anyway well done you, almost free xx

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hey mellow. Good to hear from you again! Xx Your story does sound a lot similar to mine sadly but I agree, it is reassuring to know that we aren’t alone. I saw your post about the incident this morning, it must of been so scary but I’m glad he did not do anything further to you!! My daughters father often gets into a rage when we wake him up in the morning. He says he will purposely be horrible to me for the rest of the day because we have woken him up and that is my punishment. I do think you should report him, I mentioned in my reply to your other post on this that I reported my daughters father last year because he locked me in the house and took my phone. The police wanted to come out to see me but I decided it would be wiser if I went to them. They were great, really understanding. At this time my daughter was only a baby but they didn’t mind, they just wanted to know we were both safe. A statement from you to the police would definitely help you should it ever have to go to court. Let me know what you decide to do xx it can be very scary but you can do it! I would also like to meet up with other survivors when I am free of this, I 100% get you it can be extremely isolating. I find that unless you’ve been through it it’s so hard to relate that is why I cannot talk about it to the few friends that I have. I find they just think I am moaning on again. Don’t feel like a failure, its not your fault, it is his fault. You and your daughter don’t deserve this. Keep safe x*x

[Mellowyellow]

Aww thanks Rock! Oh my, they are so similar! He was like if you ever wake me up again…! My friends say oh my husband is lazy doesnt get up etc, but not the same is it? Oh yes, sorry i might have missed that. That’s good you reported it, very brave xx they sound sympathetic, i am scafed it’ll all grt serious but i must report it.
I am waiting for him to go then i am going to be brave. I feel sick!
Yes it is so hard to explain. I started telling a friend a while ago and she is confiding in me about her relationship.
Yes when we are free we should meet, survivors together. Do you plan to go soon Rock? Sending strength xx

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hi mellow! Good to hear that you’ve decided to report him 🙂 that’s a very brave thing to do! It might get serious but at least then it is a way out for you and your daughter of the police do get involved. They will be able to help. They do indeed sound similar, mine always makes threats if I do something he doesn’t like. I was googling Cycle of abuse and it makes perfect sense, it describes exactly what is going on with him. Although the “nice cycle” doesn’t last more than a day or two 🙁 I do plan to go soon, although everything is up in the air once again as I had to miss my appointment about housing today because he wanted to come (told him I was going into town for some shopping) and the savings I had set aside for when I levy have had to be spent on unexpected bills 🙁 feels like I’m back to square one again in that respect but I am being a lot more open with people about the abuse now. I no longer hide it and protect him. The only people I haven’t told are my family. I have started looking at council houses out of our area too to see if they are affordable and what is available so I feel better for accepting that me and my daughter will have to leave our home and start again. Slowly but surely I am making progress, this is the strongest I have ever felt and I am starting to see a little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel at the prospect of a normal life without him. This time it is different from all the other times I have tried to leave in that I have support around me and sometimes that can make all the difference. I hope it goes okay when you report him. Sending hugs! X*x (sorry for the long reply!)

[Mellowyellow]

That’s great Rock! Just replied to your other message, you are making some solid plans. Even when you have the courage to try to get out they somehow sabatage it! Yes the cycle is so short sometimes! Sounds like you are on your way. Yes support makes all the difference, that’s really positive. It’s hard to tell family, totally understand.
I thought i’d feel great but k feel sad, feel alone. It is so silly of me! He begged us to come home have a takeaway and wine, he knows what works for me! Ive managed to stand my ground said no we are staying here but he wanst to meet tomorrow, wants us to come home, he kept badgering me and crying so i said ok. I feel so brainwashed. Anyway sure you will do bettef and we are all here to support you x*x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Mellow, well done for getting out! I am so so pleased for you! I know you might feel sad now but I bet in a few days you’ll start to feel a lot happier because you are free of the abuse. You won’t have to walk on egg shells all the time, won’t have to try to predict his moods or behaviour. You’ve been so brave. Well done for standing your ground and not going back. He can cry all he likes but it’s only because he’s got no one to abuse now and he’s trying to emotionally blackmail you into feeling sorry for him. They get upset and expect us to feel sorry for them but they don’t seem to mind when they’re making us cry do they. He might be nice for a few days, even a few weeks or maybe even months after but he will go back to his old abusive ways sooner or later, they never change 🙁 try stay strong, I know it’s hard and I know I can’t talk cause I’m not out yet but you don’t deserve what he’s doing xx

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