Need to protect unborn!

[solivagant]

Hello,

I just got some info about my ex off clairs law and I’m scared for my unborn sake as he is father and wants to be in her life. Because I’d stopped talking to him until baby born I cant get a non molestation order against him as last time we spoke was months ago. I dont want him anywhere near me or my child as I dont believe my child is safe especially with previous record (dont know exact details of what happened). Has anyone managed to keep the man away completely??

Thanks

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

Good to see that Clare’s Law has worked as it’s meant to. Do you know the story behind it?

I’m so pleased that you are taking heed of what you were told and are prepared to act on it. You have every right to protect this baby, and yourself. First stage is to let your GP / Midwife know of your decision based on a Clare’s Law disclosure. They will link in with Children’s Services. The Police are likely to already have linked in with Children’s Services due to you being pregnant and this man’s history, so a plan will be put in place to protect Unborn Baby. If you do not want to put his name on the birth certificate when you register the birth that is up to you. If you are not married he cannot register the birth without you. If he does want contact further down the line the fact he is not named on the birth certificate will complicate matters for him. However, the choice of your baby having both names of parents on the birth certificate is yours. But, if he is named, he will automatically have Parental Responsibility and be able to apply for contact should he want to.

There are a few things you will need to discuss with the professionals here and they will absolutely be on your side to protect you and your baby. Good luck.

[solivagant]

Thank you for getting back to me! Hiw will I know if the police have already informed child services or should I just go to GP and Midwife anyway? I’m not really sure what the GP could do anyway other than just inform, would they help in any other way??

Thanks xx

[solivagant]

Hello,
I finally managed to get an appointment at the GP and tried to explain about all anxiety and stress and that I was concerned for my childs safety once its born. The GP basically blew me off saying I needed to keep an open mind because more often then not a child matures men and that I need to think about the financial benefits…

1. I’m happy for my child to have a father as long as she is safe. Unfortunately I fully believe that she will NOT be around him. I tried to explain this and got no where…
2. I may need it but I dont want his money as my child saftey is far more important than his money!

What would be a good next step to take?

Thanks

[Wants To Help]

You won’t know, these things are part of policy and procedures and they go on behind the scenes. It’s important that you tell your midwife and GP so these warnings are in your notes and everyone is aware that the father of the baby poses a risk to you and baby due to previous violence. If he was to hear you’d gone in to labour and turns up at the hospital wanting to be with you, then it needs to be in your notes that you don’t want him present at the birth, that he’s not allowed to see the baby in hospital when it is born etc.

[solivagant]

Ah okayy, thank you for your help! I will get right on that! Xx

[KIP.]

Please contact your local women’s aid. They have a wealth of knowledge that can help protect you and baby going forward. They can help you with your rights and support you through the pregnancy. Can help point you in the direction or legal services should you need them. Housing etc. They deal,with situations like yours frequently and will have all the answers for you plus a friendly voice x

[solivagant]

I will thanks x

[KIP.]

There is also the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and a chat service on here x

[diymum@1]

i got my child away completely xx its good advice with regards to the birth certificate. wish i hadnt but because i did i had years off battling him through family court xx

[solivagant]

If you dont mind me asking how did you manage that? I have no intention of putting him on the birth certificate but I’m pretty sure he will fight to be on it. (detail removed by Moderator) I’m just so scared that I dont have enough evidence against him to protect her before shes born or before he can harm her…

[littledove]

Hi solivagant,

I haven’t read responses so I may repeat some things, but please read what I have to say

I was in this position and I have advice for you that had a positive outcome on myself and my child. I was pregnant and my partner’s abuse started after I got pregnant – he thought I wouldn’t leave him because I was pregnant with his child, he was so wrong, it just made me stronger and made me want to get out for her sake!

Has your ex been abusive towards you and did you manage to get evidence of his abuse towards you? (if he was abusive). Something must have been going on his behaviours for you to look into Clare’s Law I imagine?

ONE: DO NOT under any circumstance put him on your daughter’s birth certificate – register the birth ALONE and don’t tell him when you are doing it. I was warned by Women’s aid not to put my ex on it because they can use their rights of the BC to further control you and he could take your newborn from you and there’s nothing you could do about it if he is on the birth certificate. You wouldn’t even be able to phone the police as he would have rights. So you could go months with your baby being taken from you until you got through court to get her back from him.

If he isn’t on the birth certificate if he showed up without your permission or took your child you would be able to phone the police and get her straight back to you as he won’t have any rights to do this as he won’t be on the birth certificate.
If he is not on the birth certificate that means you have all the power to decide when he gets contact, where he gets contact and even IF he gets contact. And you won’t need to go through court because you are the one able to make all of the decisions about your daughter.
If he is on the birth certificate he would also need to be involved in making decisions about where the child goes to school and you would need his permission to take your child abroad on a holiday, do you really think he’d allow you to? NO.
Don’t give her his surname, because you will need his permission if you ever want to change it yours in future and do you really think he would let you? NO.

TWO: contact your local women’s aid and put an appointment on with them to get advice and discuss your concerns on him. They are wonderfully supportive and will help you and your unborn.

THREE: Phone Rights of Women, or take a look at their website. They have loads of information about child contact with abusera.

FOUR: Contact a solicitor and arrange to speak with them about your situation and they will give you legal advice. And then you have one in the bag if you will ever need one in future.

FIVE: You’re right to go no contact with him, do not contact him other than anything to do about the baby, he could use ANYTHING against you or twist your texts, DONT DO IT.

SIX: If he does contact you, build as much evidence on him as possible, courts need evidence otherwise it’s just a he said/she said. However given he’s on record for abuse will go against him as they will be able to access this record.

Right, with contact this is where it gets tricky..
If you don’t give him any contact at all, he has a right to contact a solicitor to send out a letter asking for contact. You can choose whether to get your own solicitor and respond to this (even though it will say on the letter you MUST respond, that’s just to pressurise you into doing it, you don’t have to).
If you write back saying you don’t want him having any contact because of X Y and Z, or if you ignore him then you’ll probably get a few more “warning” letters from his solicitor.
And then he can apply for a mediation (this is where 2 parents sit in a room with a professional and they work out between them contact with the child and routines etc), this is the stage before it reaches court. This is where 2 parents can still make their own decisions regarding the child.
However it’s not recommended when an abusive person is involved as they use this to further show their power over the victim and manipulate the situation and to abuse/force you into the contact they want, it has left many victims traumatised. So it is in your rights to refuse this, you don’t have to go to a mediation. And it’s not suitable really for a newborn baby either, it’s more suitable for toddlers.

If you don’t agree to the mediation then this is when it gives him the right to apply for a court order to be put on the birth certificate and to get contact. This is a very lengthy process, the longer you can hold him off from applying – the better.
It takes months to go through court and for a decision to be made.
It’s important to know that judges will never decrease contact with a father, they will only increase it. So if you are giving no contact to begin with then a judge will most likely give one a week or one every other week with supervised contact.
Whereas if you were already giving him 2 days a week unsupervised contact, then a judge would probably bump it up to 3 days a week unsupervised.
Hope that makes sense. It’s very rare a judge will give no contact at all to a father, the father must have needed to cause significant harm to a child (mostly physical), or neglect or a drug addict or sexual abuse etc, or not be showing up for contact to be granted no contact, unfortunately this is how abusive men continue their abuse towards their victims – through the children.

Do you think your ex would be likely to go as far as going through court to see his daughter? What’s his financial situation? Because court is a bomb, like thousands of pounds worth of money.
If you are in England he will have to pay for legal fees.
If you are in Scotland he can apply for legal aid to help with his court costs depending on his income.

You’re doing everything right for your daughter.
I Didn’t put my ex on the birth certificate, but I ended up giving my ex supervised contact once a week by my mum, and she handled the texts about the baby and I was never present at contact because that’s what he wanted. He didn’t want to be a dad, he wanted to remain in my life to keep his control over me, so I didn’t give him what he wanted.

He threatened court so many times, and it never happened. He then fell off the scene after a short time, he gave up and went onto his next victim. You have to remain strong with these people and make it known to them that they aren’t getting to you. They hate being stood up to. And they get bored if you’re not playing their daft games.

My daughter and I haven’t heard from him in a long time now and she’s so happy and safe. So there is light at the end of the tunnel. Please try not worry too much. I wish I had enjoyed my pregnancy more and relaxed more, and I wish I didn’t worry as much when my baby was born, that’s what they want. Just enjoy her because they grow up so fast. They want to stress you out and ruin your time with them, don’t let him.

Even if he did manage to get contact (which would be a long while/process), she will still have you loving and supporting her through anything. You will be her safe haven, her role model, you will be the positivity around her, you will be the one who loves her and she will know all of this. Don’t worry, you’ve got this and you have nothing to fear, she will be fine as long as she has YOU xx

Sorry it was long but I hope it helps xx

[solivagant]

Unfortunately I didn’t manage to get much proof as most of it was verbal and emotional and it’s hard to get proof of that. He switched to being overly nice after the 1st time he threatened court which is scarier than him just being him… He puts nice stuff on texts but then almost threatening stuff on social media, which also concerns me… I cant work out if hes going to be alright with her or if all this is just one big game??

I cant get through to rights for women but I am trying!! I’ve used all my minutes on my phone trying to get through so becoming more of a challenge!!

I dont plan on putting him on the birth certificate but I wouldnt put it past him to somhow get tabs on me to see when I go into labour or find out when I register her. And I’m pretty sure he will fight it all the way as I dont speak to him and he continues to message even tho I’ve told him not too.

Thank you for all your advice it’s much appreciated! It’s good to know roughly what to expect

[littledove]

You’re right it is hard to get proof of that. Some people only think it’s abuse if there’s visible bruises.

However the courts are getting better at recognising emotional/psychological abuse – there’s still a long way to go though.

My ex was big on the emotional/psychological abuse but it was only reaching physical when I got out. I just kept all his messages and I managed to get quite a lot backed up behind me evidence wise.

And when my daughter was born my ex switched to being nice and “civil” and acted the part well so he wouldn’t look bad, but believe me there were so many times he slipped up because he couldn’t help himself!

I don’t really know the ins and outs but abusive men don’t make for good parents…they all behave differently in how they treat their kids, I don’t know how he will be with your daughter but I imagine he will try use her against you and that in turn will negatively impact her. You have to remain strong and don’t doubt your feelings about this. You’re doing the right thing and protecting your daughter.

Don’t give in. They can also act the perfect dad to get on your good side but it’s all fake. My ex preached and preached he loved my daughter and claimed he was a good dad, he played the part all over social media but in reality he couldn’t care less and that showed over time, so don’t fall for it. If you show him you have boundaries and that you won’t back down to him then he will start losing the interest.

It’s always a game to an abuser.

He can’t get into the labour room, if you tell the midwives that he is abusive and you don’t want him in, then they tell the whole ward not to let him in if he shows up, and if he protests against them asking him to leave then they can phone the police to remove him. So you don’t have to worry about the labour/birth at all.
And don’t tell anyone when you are registering her birth, he can’t know exactly what day or what time you are going at. Just keep it a secret and he won’t know.

If you have asked him not to contact you and he is continuing to do so that is harassment and you can phone the police on the 111 number to have it on record (which will do well to have backed up behind you if it ever reaches court), and they will warn him not to contact you. Just keep saving all of his messages to you.

Please don’t stress yourself out about it, you have the upper hand, you just have to stick to your guns

[KIP.]

Please report him to the police. It’s harrassment and stalking when you’ve told him not to contact you x

[littledove]

Agree with this x

[solivagant]

If I report him will it not work as a reaction and add fuel to the fire or give him an idea that i know more than I’m letting on? I dont want to make things worse until I can make it better?

[littledove]

I’d say it show him you’re not fooling around and will stand up to him and show him you have boundaries that can’t be crossed.

I phoned the police on my ex due to continued harassment and it gave my ex a major shock lol. But mind you it didn’t stop him contacting me 24 hours after the police spoke to him – they just can’t help themselves, and this in turn went against him.

Abusive men don’t really like it when victims figure out who they truly are..So maybe letting on you that know what he is doing is wrong and won’t stand for it is maybe a good thing??

I was always scared to report my ex because in a way I felt guilty, but looking back I wish I had actually been more harsh because he was doing wrong.

But listen to what Kip has to say x

[littledove]

Also want to add when I said that a court is more likely to increase contact rather than reduce it – I was meaning the less contact you give him before court then the better because judges like consistency in contact with the children as much as possible.

If there are safeguarding risks then a judge will have to look at reducing contact to safeguard the child through cafcass etc

Sorry reading over realising it didn’t come across the way I wanted it to

[solivagant]

That’s alright I understood what you ment 😊

[Author]

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