Need to rid myself of his control…….any suggestions?

[Bfly]

Hi I am new & I would like to ask how u rid yourself of there control even though they are not around. I have been physically & emotionally abused for over (Detail removed by moderator) years. I am finally free because he wanted someone else. I am relieved because I didn’t need to do anything she took him. Even though I do feel guilty that she may have a problem especially if she may want rid of him. She won’t know about his past I never phoned the police or anything. He has a violent prison history but that was previous to me that would still be on file for his life due to the sentence. So that’s a red flag but I later found all this out. I am happy relieved safe calm but I find myself at times wanting him to call or do something. I don’t like this feeling because I know it’s because he has controlled me for so long. It’s like I need him when I don’t. I have always been a stronger person than him & I refuse to let him take anymore years away from me. Just wondering if anyone had any advice or suggestions to alter this routine & finally get rid of this control?

[Chickadee]

Hi Bfly.

The Emotional Abuse is the worst and takes forever to get through, if you get through it, some live with it. Getting out of the environment is the absolute best thing. Not just away from him, but anything or anyone that had to do with the whole ordeal. Ie. a friend that he used to stalk you. Streets you walked together, locations you went to. Get away from it.

The feeling that you need him or have to call, your right is the control. (I honestly did not have this one part, I was so relieved to have me and my kids free). Focus on you, things you enjoy, become stronger. Keep reminding yourself you deserve better and he is not worth it. He is an abuser that decided he got everything from you he wanted, and had the next victim in place. You were thrown away. No human deserves to be treated like that.

Keep reminding yourself he is taking your years with the control…..your life!

When you get really angry about that it’s a pain in the arse though…..lol. Turn the anger into productivity to get out of it. Otherwise you get sad and counterproductive. It will reverse on you. It is next to impossible/if not impossible to do this if still in the environment or if you don’t have the right supoortive people that truly “get it” around you. You stay in it. You need a high level of compasdion and understanding and/or peace, calm, and happiness consistently to recover, pull through completely, and actually get out.

If you have anything intervene as a detriment to it……again you will get really p****d off….and the set back is a pain in the arse.

Keep busy. If you have good friends that are understanding enough to at least get you involved in stuff, invites, hang out and do stuff, it helps! But you can do it to.

I’m here when you need to chat. Hugs.

Chickadee

[Bfly]

Thanks Chickadee 🙂
I think that’s the problem everyone around me says constantly the new woman done u a favour. They don’t seem to get that the relationship has ended but it has left it scars. He also thinks that i deserved it & he isn’t like it no more. I know it’s not true. Because my family member was an alcoholic that was verbally abusive & I witnessed this throughout my childhood. But they were still not like him I couldn’t believe his behaviour. Always the face & neck he would go for. Especially the neck, I have a massive issue if anyone touches my neck. He nearly killed me once. I never felt afraid for my life or anyone else’s growing up. But with him it was something I had never known. Especially he doesn’t do drugs or drink nothing. I’m sure it’s an underlining mental health issue. He has 2 faces.
Going a bit off track having a rant! But everyone around me doesn’t get it. They r like go find someone else U could do better than him. To me I think they r just saying that to be nice & to shut me up.lol. He has worn me & the thought of someone else is the last thing on my mind. I just think, look at his new gf she doesn’t have a clue what he is really like yet. That could happen to me again & I could get worse next time. I am trying to plan things & change house. But I just can’t concentrate at the moment. I think I look at the good times rather than the bad. I have lived for so long In my bubble and now I’m back facing reality. 😢x

[Chickadee]

Your Welcome Bfly.

It’s ok, go on and rant, it helps to get it out, and it helps in resolving and understanding it.
Even after they are gone, it takes a little bit to get out of the battle in the head. And there are still some other things that linger.

If an alchoholic becomes abusive that abuse is still entirely different then an abuser. The mind and the character in most circumstances have different traits. An alcholoic can be a normal otherwise healthy person, whereas an abuser is self serving, non caring, and not healthy.

My abuser forced himself on me and did the strangulation thing as well, it is I’ve since found out recently a common thing with abusers.
I too have issues when with someone if they do certain things I go into shock, it triggers me. I never realized it really, how much of an issue it was until the Spring of 2016 when I was with someone. They stated I was like in a transe.

The two faces, is referred to as wearing a mask in abuse circles. You see a different side of them then others do. You can more so know when they are wearing it and when they are not.

I can totally relate to where your at. Not ready for a guy and scared to death you will go out with one and they will be the same as what you were with. There is only one man that I have feelings for and trust. Other than that it is not worth the risk of going through what I did again or my kids. I have to protect them.

You were with an abuser, people don’t often get what the have not been through themselves, they are right though you will find and deserve someone better, you will have it when your ready. It is ok to be in your bubble, as you put it, it is a protective mechanism. Learn the “red flags” associated with abusers, there are ways to differentiate them and go slowly in a relationship when your ready.

Your in the reality of your abuse, that is good, it helps you to stay grounded, remembering what really took place and who he is. Don’t let anyone sway you, or say it’s your fault, stay close to people that really do “get it”. You will find more comfort to heal. And the progress can been hastened instead of detriments imposed.

Here when you nedd to rant. Hugs.

Chickadee

[maddog]

It takes time to see the wood for the trees, Bfly. Sadly people don’t change. Abusers very very rarely change. Well done for getting out. It’s a big step. Of course it had to be his decision. It is never too late to report your concerns to the police. Are you getting real life support? It is hard for people who haven’t endured abuse to understand, but it’s amazingly common. So many women turn a blind eye. And love is completely blind.

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