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    • #140518
      Melonballs
      Participant

      *Deep breath* – here goes…..

      Been out for over (detail removed by moderator), after (detail removed by moderator) of marriage, give or take a few years, but we do see each other regularly. No intimacy – there’s been none of that for well over a (detail removed by moderator). I know I should go no contact….

      I’m having my last counselling session next week. Just about to finnish a ‘self awareness’ course on line, and have read most of the books regularly suggested here.

      I’ve got a job I love doing, a nice quiet little flat, and I’m looking into adult learning courses.

      So why have I been swept up in future faking? We own a house together, which he still lives in. He wants me to move back. We made all sorts of plans….

      I’ve spoken to my counsellor and friends, and there is absolutely nothing in it for me if I do go back.

      Why am I still thinking about it??? We all know nothing changes! (An instance recently – I had a really nasty shock on my way home from work. My reaction was to go to him for support, and really to test him! He didn’t even look away from his (detail removed by moderator) while he said something along the lines of (detail removed by moderator)…. It wasn’t till he heard me sniffing, he turned round and (detail removed by moderator)!!! However, he did (detail removed by moderator), but I had to initiate a cuddle..)

      I’m having to make a decision now, as there is a deadline looming. It’s always me to make the decisions even though I’m ‘c**p at it’. I know he does it so he can blame me, or tell me how he would have done it if it all goes wrong. (And to make me look like the bad guy).

      If I don’t go back, we’ll have to sell up, which he’s trying to make me feel guilty about…..

      I could go on…..

      WAAAWWWWW!!!!! Rant over!!

    • #140525
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Nobody can make that choice for you it has to be what you want whats best for you and nobody else but heres a little thought.
      This week ive had to justify how much i spent on (detail removed by moderator), asked where my (detail removed by moderator) was feom, told i looked (detail removed by moderator) too skinny not attractkve told more than (detail removed by moderator) times that he was gonna leave me as ive changed, told how im not allowed to go out with some new friends as he (detail removed by moderator), told everyday to stop working how im neglecting him the house is a mess how i should be at home looking after him, been ignored and bullied into sex all in one week and actually this is a good week. I dont know how your relationship was but we all suffer very similar incidents on here so my guess is you can relate. They never change you are out do you want to go back to this?
      Just think, remember why you left and make a choice for you just you.
      Hugs xx

    • #140532
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Dr Ramani described this in a way that made my brain wake up so it might work for you, it might not.

      Have you ever played one of those grab a toy machines, or a slot machine, or maybe the lottery? You know the likelihood of winning is slim, but you see others win, have heard stories of ppl winning and think well it must be possible. So you keep playing, you keep investing, you keep hoping to hit the jackpot despite your logical brain saying stop, walk away.

      This is the narcissistic hook. The future faking, the promises, the good times – they are the hook. You might win but it’s more likely that the majority of the time you’ll be trying to and losing. As you’ve discovered, he probably still won’t be there for you but by promising you a better future, talking about moving in together and how good it’ll be is dangling the carrot and making your mind foggy.

      No one can decide for you, hell most of us have gone back & forth, but if you do return know that you can leave again. Anytime. x

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