Need to vent and know I’m not crazy or a horrible person!

[Kaybee23]

Sorry this is super long but I really need to let everything out….

Have split up with abuser (detail removed by moderator), I’ve tried for months to work so hard at things and forgive his behaviour. I’ve had to hide our relationship from everyone because no one wants me near him, he’s not allowed to my home as he’s currently on bail for (detail removed by moderator) because I refused to open it while he was booting and pushing me out the way while I had (detail removed by moderator). B I’d took an (detail removed by moderator) I bought off him because I found out he was doing things behind my back and I’m so angry that he drained every penny I had taking advantage of my kindness and introducing me to (detail removed by moderator) which id buy all the time, im clean now and wouldn’t touch anything again, im easily influenced by people and a proper people pleaser after suffering childhood abuse and just wanting to be accepted and loved. Im now left raising our child alone since it happened. I stupidly lent him money the other day on the pretence id get it back as he knew it was all I had and he’s not giving it back, I did use to give him money a lot and the same thing happened but my circumstances have changed. When I said to him don’t lend it unless you can give it back he immediately started shouting at me infront of (detail removed by moderator) asked me if I was okay after it.

He’s told me so many times no one is going to want a single mum and that he has everything going for him while I don’t.

He’s done so much horrible stuff since we’ve been together and I’ve lost most of my friends as I just became segregated from everyone. I had our baby a few months ago and he ruined the birth by (detail removed by moderator) which (detail removed by moderator). For the whole of that day he was messaging me awful things like (detail removed by moderator) , all this happened while our child was (detail removed by moderator) and id just had a (detail removed by moderator) where we both nearly died and he was thrown out due to his aggressive behaviour towards staff and myself and I was in so much pain and just sat there embarrassed and being verbally abused by him on the phone. The last (detail removed by moderator) of my pregnancy he ignored me leaving me to prepare everything for the baby and it upset me, I allowed him back and he acted like nothing ever happened, this was because I said he couldn’t live at mine not contributing towards bills and spending all his money on drugs and he made out that I said he couldn’t see our child.

Another thing he recently done was take an overdose of more drugs, claiming it was an attempt at suicide, although he is a complete addict spending (detail removed by moderator) a day on weed so I don’t believe this. When he was took to hospital as I called for help for him, he made accusations that my (detail removed by moderator) and that I hadn’t bonded with our child and hAd very poor mental health which was affecting my parenting, this meant social services became involved,he was telling me I was going to loose our child because of it and to get ready for her to be taken, she was only (detail removed by moderator) at this point and it made me so scared. Social services closed the case as there was no worries about my home or my parenting and I recieved nothing but praise! Due to his drug addiction he doesn’t pay his fair share towards our child even though he earns a high amount of money and when I challenge him on it I get yet more abuse. Hes the same with his parents and they’ve now stopped asking him for rent because they’re avoiding his outbursts.

Because we’re not living together due to all of this, i had a friend round for a few drinks while my (detail removed by moderator) looked after the baby. I don’t get a break at all and I really needed a chat and a bit of me time, but I feel so bad about that as he constantly insinuates I’m a bad parent. I knew if he found out that I’d get in so much s**t and that I’d get absolutely torn apart so I lied, but came clean (detail removed by moderator). I just didn’t want his abuse and because I wouldn’t answer the phone as I knew he’d go mad my friend was round and accuse me of all sorts, so I just said I was on my own, but my phone answered its self. I told him this ans he’s now ignoring me and calling me a liar which I guess I was but it was solely to protect
Myself and stop myself being verbally abused and likely ignored rhag I’ve chosen to see my friend than go round and stay at his parents while he gets high. When he’s got angry he’s said things like our child isn’t his because he doesn’t trust me and even told me she (detail removed by moderator). I don’t know if lying is normal, I feel like I’m some horrible person for it. I shouldn’t of done it but I knew he’d ruin my night and upset me and tell me I’m a c****y parent for having the night off. He monitors when I’m on my phone and screenshots the times I’m on and accuses me of talking to other men. I can’t upload pictures of myself anymore or im looking for male attention and I’m thirsty.

Part of me feels like it must be something I do or make him feel for him to be this way towards me, like I ruined him. He says i make him stressed and treat him like c**p, but I don’t get it because all I’ve ever done is love him and forgiven everything he’s done to me. I feel so anxious now we’ve gone our separate ways because I just feel like I’m going to be so lost with out and unhappy.

Sorry for the long post, I just really needed to let it out.

[Lisa]

Hello Kaybee23,

Thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like you have been through so much, I’m so sorry to hear this, what a traumatic and stressful time it must be for you.

You mentioned in your post that you are feeling the need to ‘get this out’. I’m wondering if it might be helpful to have a safe place to do this, and maybe to go into depth with someone about what you’ve been and are going through?

It might be useful to connect with your local domestic abuse support service. You can find your nearest support service here.

Additionally you could contact your GP to discuss what’s happening, they may be able to refer you for counselling on the NHS, or you can search for a therapist in your area via the Counselling Directory.

There are also emotional support helplines, such as the Samaritans, if you feel you need to reach out to someone anonymously: https://www.samaritans.org/

Take care and keep posting, let us know how you’re getting on.

Lisa

[Author]

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