Needing closure

[Anonymous]

Hi ladies, I’ve been out of my abusive situation for a few weeks now, and I’m feeling a bit like I haven’t necessarily got proper closure on it due to the way I had to leave.

I knew I could not talk to my husband about leaving, as he would use emotional blackmail to get me to change my mind (which he has done twice before) so I literally just left my house one day, with just a few possessions.

I am feeling a bit as though I do not have closure on the relationship side of things though, which feels a bit odd to me, as logically, I should be glad to be out and have it all behind me, but I guess it’s because I was in it for so many years.

although I have been out for a while and have made some good positive steps forward, I had a generally very poor quality of life, but occasionally my brain focuses on the tiny little good things that I had and I worry how I will manage without them – even though deep down in my heart I know that is a brand-new world out there for me without the control, without the manipulation, and without restriction.

Why am I focusing on the odd tiny little crumbs of happiness that I was throw occasionally, when the rest of my life was so hard? Even the times where I had a little something to look forward to were mainly ruined or manipulated, even small things – when we went on holiday I could not even have the smallest of treats, so why when I have a whole New World in front of me am I feeling sad about those things? Is there something wrong with me?

have any of you lovely ladies felt similar things? and if so please can you tell me how you dealt with them?

I have not spoken to my ex partner for several weeks now, but due to the lack of closure, I keep getting the urge to contact him – but I know this would be my downfall and I have resisted it – I have written letters multiple times and torn them up, but I would be so grateful for some advice.

I also have it in my head that as I am not able to talk to him. He has no idea how much I’ve been struggling and I feel a bit guilty that he probably thinks I’m finding this easy when I’m not.

I’ve been told by friends of his that he is struggling very badly – and in my heart I know that is not out of love for me necessarily, but out of not having anybody to control anymore.

Due to the nature of his controlling personality, he has now lost all focus and does not have his comfort zone anymore.

My empathetic side feels shockingly guilty at the hurt I have caused by leaving, and at times I am not able to rationalise that he felt no guilt over the years he caused me hurt.

Please help me sort my brain out 🙏💖

Thank you x*x

[Lisa]

Hi Pink jackets,

Thank you for your post, I’m sure others here will resonate with what you’ve said, how you’re feeling is a natural response to an abusive relationship. Many survivors speak of having to grieve the relationship you should have had and of remembering the ‘good’ bits. It’s also natural to want to contact him and to know how he is, you’ve been with this person for a long time, those feelings of concern, obligation and guilt don’t just disappear. However, these times of doubt are when you need to reach out, like you have, to be reminded of the reality, as horrible as it is to acknowledge. Although it’s painful, it can be useful to write a list of the abuse that occurred, to read if you are having moments of doubt.

If you haven’t yet got in touch with your local domestic abuse service now might be a good time; you could ask them what support is available, if there are any recovery programmes or counselling you could access.

You can also access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom.chayn.co. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Keep posting,

Lisa

[Camel]

Hi Pink Jackets

It might help you to stay strong to picture how that ‘closure’ conversation will go in real life, knowing your ex as well as you do. You know it won’t be a frank and fair exchange of views. You know he won’t accept blame. You know he won’t thank you for the good times and wish you well for the future. You know he won’t say sorry and mean it. You know he’ll try to talk you round, that he won’t accept that you know your own mind.

Keep up the no-contact and definitely no letters. It takes time to break the bond but it really does get easier.

Pay no regard to what ‘friends’ say about how he’s struggling. It’s not your concern. It isn’t theirs either. Tell them firmly that you don’t want to hear anything about him.

Don’t feel bad about hurting him. He’ll get over it. Besides, it’s nothing compared to the hurt he caused you.

[Escapedbuthaunted]

Well done for getting out its so hard and takes in er strentgh and courage that should recognise especially on those low days.

Ive had to learn to live with the fact that i will never get the closure i want as he will never recognise that what he did was wrong and will always make excuses for his behaviour. I also still can not stand the thought of being anywhere near him to get it

My counsellor had me write a letter to him of what i would say to him and what i wanted from him. I read it out to her. It wasnt the same as it would be to him but it did help to get it on paper in first instance and then reading it out as well. So maybe doing something like this would help

[Babs]

Whatever you’re feeling, know that’s it’s ok to have those feelings. In the first couple of weeks after my husband walked out I missed him so badly. I missed talking to him. We were together 24/7 and suddenly overnight he was gone.

Thankfully in time those feelings passed. The day he left I started a ‘silver linings’ list. Even now when I’m feeling sad, or overwhelmed, I read that list to remind me of all the good things I now have in my life. Although to be honest, my (removed by moderator) told me today he thinks the term ‘silver linings’ is incorrect. He says the positive changes in my life are so monumental ‘silver linings’ underplays how bad things were before and just how far I’ve come, and grown since the night my ex left.

As the weeks pass it really does get easier. Be kind to yourself and never lose sight of how far you’ve come x

[StrongLife]

It took some time for me but it was bit by bit.

I had to get stable before doing so as I went homeless for some months after fleeing.

I had help from counselling and social workers

Thanks

[Author]

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