Needing closure

[Anonymous]

Hi ladies, I’ve been out of my abusive situation for a few weeks now, and I’m feeling a bit like I haven’t necessarily got proper closure on it due to the way I had to leave.

I knew I could not talk to my husband about leaving, as he would use emotional blackmail to get me to change my mind (which he has done twice before) so I literally just left my house one day, with just a few possessions.

I am feeling a bit as though I do not have closure on the relationship side of things though, which feels a bit odd to me, as logically, I should be glad to be out and have it all behind me, but I guess it’s because I was in it for so many years.

although I have been out for a while and have made some good positive steps forward, I had a generally very poor quality of life, but occasionally my brain focuses on the tiny little good things that I had and I worry how I will manage without them – even though deep down in my heart I know that is a brand-new world out there for me without the control, without the manipulation, and without restriction.

Why am I focusing on the odd tiny little crumbs of happiness that I was throw occasionally, when the rest of my life was so hard? Even the times where I had a little something to look forward to were mainly ruined or manipulated, even small things – when we went on holiday I could not even have a (detail removed by Moderator), so why when I have a whole New World in front of me am I feeling sad about those things? Is there something wrong with me?

have any of you lovely ladies felt similar things? and if so please can you tell me how you dealt with them?

I have not spoken to my ex partner for several weeks now, but due to the lack of closure, I keep getting the urge to contact him – but I know this would be my downfall and I have resisted it – I have written letters multiple times and torn them up, but I would be so grateful for some advice.

I also have it in my head that as I am not able to talk to him. He has no idea how much I’ve been struggling and I feel a bit guilty that he probably thinks I’m finding this easy when I’m not.

I’ve been told by friends of his that he is struggling very badly – and in my heart I know that is not out of love for me necessarily, but out of not having anybody to control anymore.

Due to the nature of his controlling personality, he has now lost all focus and does not have his comfort zone anymore.

My empathetic side feels shockingly guilty at the hurt I have caused by leaving, and at times I am not able to rationalise that he felt no guilt over the years he caused me hurt.

Please help me sort my brain out 🙏💖

Thank you x*x

[ABALTP]

Hi, I know exactly what you mean and for the first few weeks after having no contact I felt the same, I had friends and his family telling me how bad he was doing and I felt so guilty and so worried for him, even though the separation was enforced by the police for my safety and we’re not allowed contact.

It took me a lot longer than a few weeks to start working through the guilt and I am still learning about things that I thought were normal in our relationship and that turn out to have been abusive. I feel so stupid half the time!

What has helped was finding the courage to fully block everyone with any contact to him. It was hard but people who are believing his pity story can’t be my friends and are inadvertently feeding him what he needs to carry out impacting me.

The other thing that has ‘helped’ is the longer we’ve been separated the more he’s dropped the act and the more openly cruel and destructive he’s being in any way he can allowing for the bail conditions, trying to get to me in so many ways, the more therapy I have the more I can see his stunts for what they are!

You are right, it’s the loss of control he’s struggling with most and any contact will just give him that control back. I live in absolute fear of bumping into him, which feels ridiculous considering I lived with him over half my life and coped but it takes time to understand the power and control they have and what you’re feeling is a manifestation of that!

I don’t know if this is helpful but I hope you stay strong. I think closure takes a long time to come and comes from friends and support networks and accepting what happened

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much- that really does help 🥰💖

[StrongLife]

Good on you for getting out and just leaving with a few possessions. This was basically all I had. In the future you can get more if necessary, work, improve your finances. Most importantly you are running your life/finances, make choices etc. it’s a learning experience- things will improve over time. You will have fun and meet others in life.

I live now in my own house, with possessions and pets. It’s a far cry from living with abusive ex that would have ended badly if I stayed.

Closure will happen in time.

[Author]

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