15th March 2016 at 10:46 pm #11585
Hi everyone, I have been through so much in my marriage with an ever so self centred husband. everything is all about him and no one else. My husband has ben physically abusive towards me in the past, although since I called police for him, he then stopped. Mainly to protect his career I guess. since from then his new weapon has been to emotionally try and destroy me. he controls what I do, who I talk to and weekends he takes both keys to our cars so that I cannot go anywhere when he’s out. I’m constantly being told I’m good for nothing, fat, shapeless and the B word. Anyway, a few weeks back after yet another episode of having a go at me. I thought enough is enough, I went to my GP and ask for him to give me supporting information regarding my DV history so I can take it to the local authority to apply for housing. My GP gave me the information but now I’m the biggest problem to myself! Why cant I have courage to gain my freedom and most importantly to provide a peaceful loving environment for my children. At times I have courage, especially knowing that I want to do anything in my power to provide that safe happy heaven for my kids. I have horrible fear of SS getting involved even though I know they want whats best for the kids. My husband is ok with the kids but as for me, it makes me wonder why he married me if he wanted to treat me this way.
15th March 2016 at 11:19 pm #11587
Hi, you have done so well for going to your GP and seeking support!
That is such a big step!
Do not fear SS, they may even be vital for you to get housing.
Did you speak to Women’s Aid and Rights of Women?
Ring them and speak to them in detail about everything. WA might even give you a support worker who liaises with SS.
If you can, record your husband. Log all events.
Is your car in your name? If he takes the keys you could report him to the police for theft and you can also call police if the resticts your freedom.
Do not be too hard on yourself. It takes time to break free from abuse.
Make all enquiries, speak to the right people and plan your escape.
It will happen. x*x
16th March 2016 at 12:31 am #11589
Thanks Ayanna for your words of wisdom but in regards to the car. I made a mistake in putting it on his name n now he loughs at me every time i tell him its my car which i bought with my money only because of insurance purposes or thats what i was led to believe. Can i ask what would happen if i just go to any local authority an apply for the house? I called the national helpline and the lady said i can go to any local authority and inform them that i may be homeless due to DV. The thought SS really scares me and i also don’t want to spoil his career. He’s a caring man to outsiders but show no sense of care towards me. All im good at is to always working around the house all the time. He hides kids passports, birth certificates. My kids child benefits/ tax credits is all claimed by him. Its just so painful to be made to feel dumb n stupid.
Once again thanx xx
16th March 2016 at 9:54 am #11607Doglover99Participant
Hi, Your story hit home with me. It took me a year to get out and it’s very early days for me and my son still.
Do contact the local authority, go and see them and ask their advice. Our local council offices have a Women’s Aid rep there once a week and I went there a couple of times to get some advice and they were really good. I would put your name on the housing register straight away because it takes time. Do you have an email that your husband doesn’t have access to? I did everything by email with them. At first I couldn’t accept that we had to leave and I delayed applying for housing for 5 months and it was a big mistake because in the end I realised that we need to get out and then I was stuck for months waiting for a property whereas if I’d put my name down earlier, we would have been out much earlier.
They will need proof of DV though. I had CAMHS involved with my son and the local council DV support worker and they provided letters for the council as proof. Towards the end I also had Early Help from SS involved as well and they also made contact with the council to try and speed my application. Your GP is a good starting point, good for you. I would contact Women’s Aid and they can tell you what support is available in your area.
People have different experiences with SS. Mine has been good but I do know others who haven’t had such a good experience with them. I don’t know how old your children are, I think if they are very young, SS will be more involved. My son is a teenager so my situation may have been different to yours.
Start by getting as much information as possible. Your local council will be able to tell you what information they need so you can get on the housing register. If you are desperate to leave they will offer you temporary housing, a refuge maybe. A refuge will help you deal with the practical things as well like tax credits, housing benefit etc.
16th March 2016 at 11:22 am #11612justfedupParticipant
Wow this is so alike to me.. so hard to cut that string ans break up the family.. the only difference is apart from the odd hand squeeze, shoulder barge or nudge he has not been physical with me but i understand what you are going through with the rest.. its a big scary process and from what I am reading you seem to be doing everythig the right way.. PLANNING. You are setting all of the wheels in motion and making progress to regaining your independance and life x*x sending love x
16th March 2016 at 12:19 pm #11617Confused123Participant
Leaving is hard but not impossible, it took me ages to finally leave too, get advise from support worker and get them to guide you, its hard to do on your own, the stress just wears you out, again its just about control, well done for going to gp to log it and ask for help, sod his career did he think of u, think about yourself and your kids only, lok how he is controlling u, i too made that mistake with the car and put log book on his name, you got to some how get him to sign the log book and get back on your name , i think i just told him i was changing name on log book and luckily he sign it , i kept at it for ages though , play them at there own game and act sweet , throw the trust game on them and say why cant it be on your name, sulk if u have to that his been unreasonable, he doesnt need to know that u need that car on your name cause long term u r not planning on being around ,
16th March 2016 at 3:04 pm #11628
Thanx ladies and Doglover99,it was reading your progress that gave me some courage to start somewhere and not continue living like this. As for the car i dont think he’ll ever change it to my name because he just enjoys having me wrapped arround his fingers. I just want out and things like cars and meterial dont matter now. I just want to be self I’ve always been. But honestly why is it so hard to do the right thing. My kinds r very young, last one not even one yet. So i know its more likely SS will get involved. So wish my family was here but they all abroad and i dont have anyone but my kids only as my family. Ive always recorded him when he was insulting me but i lost my phone a few weeks back. I have pictures of my injuries because i used to send them to my email.
16th March 2016 at 3:55 pm #11636nayukiParticipant
Sounds a lot like me, I also called the police once. HV came and gave us details on Respect and other help, she told me about Women’s Aid and stuff. It was the time when I would protect him. How stupid of me, I waited a year to go to WA and ask for help. At first all I did was explaining and I still kind of made excuses for him. But the lady in WA was great, she told me what to do. We separated and of course life is harder now, but honestly I was already a single mum in a relationship. Now I am free and you can become free as well! Wish you lots of strength.
PS he would call me fat etc as well – that’s really ridiculous when I look back at it now. He destroyed my confidence but I’m slowly going back to myself. .
16th March 2016 at 4:08 pm #11638
You did well. Keep the emails with the pictures. You can forward them to the police in the near future.
Do you have proof that you paid for the car?
If you do, he can get lost, even if the car is in his name. He has to give you your car if you need it and during the divorce proceedings he must pay the money back if he intends to keep the car.
Actually, small children are an advantage in your situation. If you engage with SS you will be high priority on the housing list.
Talk to WA and take it from there.
If you can call Rights of Women, use their call back function. They are lawyers and they will give you lots of info what your options are.
Do not give him any money anymore and start to get bills in your name. Tell him you want to make his life easier and take the burden of all this paperwork from him. Try to save every month. x*x
16th March 2016 at 8:19 pm #11656
Ayanna, unfortunately I don’t have proof because I paid cash. Maybe just a record on my bank account of that amount on that particular day we purchase the car. Also I will call all the other services the ladies mentioned so I can get more info on my rights. However, can I ask how long it took to be rehoused so I can plan ahead because I am currently out of work, although I have been looking. Oh n what a surprise, he came to the kitchen whilst I was eating dinner and started complaining about my food and replied him n told him this is how I’m suppose to eat on this diet plan. He’s reply was, “what diet plan”? Really, I mean I’ve lost over 3st since I started and this is what I get. Anyway it doesn’t bother me, cos I know my little ones always tell me “mummy getting slim” and besides, I’m doing it for myself and my children. thank you all.xx
16th March 2016 at 8:24 pm #11657
Nayuki that’s exactly what I ahve always referred to myself that “I’m a single married woman”
16th March 2016 at 8:34 pm #11659Falling SkysParticipant
Welcome to the group,so pleased you have the strength to post.
Knowing what you want to do is a big step, speak to WA they will help you formulate a plan in achieving your goal. There are also funds that they will know about to get you a deposit so you an move out sooner than later.
Use this time to collect evidence, mental abuse is now a crime, also my abuser was wonderful at making me feel it was all my fault so have a log help me to see the true extent of my abuse. If you have a safe place start saving pound or two when you can. It will help you feel that you are making plans for your future.
And well done with the diet, never easy with a young family.
16th March 2016 at 8:36 pm #11660
Ayanna everything is on his name because this is house, my name is not on the house. I think this should make it easy for me to as I’m not tied to any contract. Is that right?
16th March 2016 at 8:43 pm #11664
Thank you Falling Skys, I will sure start doing that as I’ve also started selling things on ebay and amazon just to have something and not rely on him. I hope I do get a job in my field but years of abuse have taken its toll on me, my confidence is so low I find it even hard to talk to people. Yes you are so right, its never their fault but ours and always being labelled with one mental health condition or the other (bipolar)!!
16th March 2016 at 10:33 pm #11673
Yes, you can move out easier when you are not tied to any contract.
Regarding the car: for the financial divorce proceedings you would have a good evidence if you can proof that you removed money from the bank account on the day you bought the car.
I think you should wait with looking for work until you live in your own place.
You are a higher priority on the housing list as an unemployed mum who flees abuse.
The situation is very stressful and starting a new job might become too overwhelming whilst you go through so much. It depends on the job as well.
I kept working whilst I went through my ordeal and it was incredibly hard. Then my manager bullied me. I do not know how I survived all that.
Do not worry about your confidence at work. It will all come back quickly. I had to stay in my horrible job whilst I went through everything because I was unable to go for a job interview. As soon as the situation relaxed I was able to have several job interviews and I started a new job.
I hope you get all the information and support quickly. x*x
21st March 2016 at 10:57 am #11996Doglover99Participant
I’m so pleased if my progress has made you realise that it’s possible to get out and start living your own life like you deserve. It took me a while first to accept that it really was domestic abuse and then to start planning our move. Things were more complicated for me because I had to stay in the area because of my son’s school and my work and refuge wasn’t an option for us because of my son’s age. From the time I was accepted on the housing list, it took us 7 months to get a place BUT it would have been quicker if I had bid on flats as well and not just houses. I tried to get a house so our dog could come with us but in the end I had to take a flat and leave our dog behind. It varies depending on where you live but a mother with young children will be a priority so you shouldn’t have to wait too long.
You do need to plan though. Start gathering all your important papers and documents, if you have somewhere outside of your home you can keep them that’s even better. I was in the same position as you, all my family are overseas and I only had a couple of friends left so I really had nowhere to go. It was very hard trying to keep things normal at home whilst knowing I was planning to leave. I think for me, my work kept me sane, it was a distraction from all the things going on at home.
If you can, try and save some money, maybe open a new bank account with online statements so they don’t get posted to your home. I couldn’t save much at all but I had a little bit which paid for the removal van and the small deposit I had to pay for our flat. The one thing I wish I had done is change the utilities to my husband’s name but I think he probably would have asked questions then. In the end I ended up with the closing bills which I need to pay somehow.
Keep strong and don’t worry about your confidence. Like the ladies here said, it will come back with time. You have been ground down but once you’re out and living your own life, making your own decisions, you will feel so different.
Good luck and keep posting. We’re all here for you.
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