Nervous as hell

[Scaredandlonely]

Hi, im just new here and am a nervous wreck. I have made the really difficult decision to leave my husband. I am petrified. Its been a turbulent rship, he has lied to me continuously, and i genuinely believe hes been sleeping with his ex the whole time. However anytime i mentioned it he would go ballistic and scream at me til i screamed back then he would say im psycho, paranoid, selfish for trying to wreck the family….he always convinced me this was true. He convinced me to leave my hometown due to a lie i just found out about and since we got here its got worse. He swore itd get better but he got more verbally aggressive and because i know nobody here i am 100% isolated from my family and friends. He wont show me around so that i have some independance, its a massive place and id get lost. I am confined to the house 24/7 and he keeps my purse on him all the time so i have to ask for pocket money i guess you could call it.(detail removed by moderator) I guess im wondering, am i overreacting? I cant relax for nerves and id love to hear folks opinions.

[Scaredandlonely]

Hes also always said im a bad lazy mum and if i do leave he will take my kids away from me. He wont let me cook nor clean, but backs it up with “i love you” i feel so scared and confused

[Ayanna]

Hi, are you in a safe place right now?
It is a typical abuser strategy to uproot the victim and put them in a place where they are isolated.

Are you in contact with Women’s Aid. If not call them and get their support.
Also contact Rights of Women for support regarding the kids if he gives you trouble.

And no, you are not overreacting.
You trusted this man with your life, otherwise you would not have married him.
And he disappointed you badly.
That is a very painful situation and requires a lot of strength.

Get the divorce papers in before him, then you can divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. If you have proof of the adultery you can use that as a divorce reason.

[Scaredandlonely]

No im still in the house with him. But i do have a womans aid rep working with me to help me. She assured me im not being over dramatic or selfish but im so full of self doubt. He makes me out to be crazy about his ex, but when we first dated he was always on the phone to her, he told me theyd split (detail removed by moderator)years previously but in fact it was just a couple of weeks, i found her earrings in the car a few months into the rship (they hadnt been left during their time together) i found out he was on dating sites, but he said i was a l*****c etc when i spoke about it. Then when i didnt believe him hed erupt and scream at me then start crying saying look what you have done to me…he has stole money from me, which he tried to make me feel stupid about, but he def did do it. He stands over me if he sees me on the phone, if i try to leave the room, he follows me, he has driven me to near nervous breakdowns and then throws them in my face, saying im a psycho etc. He tells his mother lies about me, rang her once screaming id hit him when i hadnt. Hes told me he will never let me leave him and that i will be with him forever. He comes across mr nice guy, and is nice to me, but slowly slowly he is driving me more and more into severe depression. I cant even wash as he takes this as a signal i want sex and starts grabbing me between the legs which i hate. He used to strangle me during sex, which is why i only do it rarely now, and made out im a bore in bed as he said all women love being strangled….well i dont. He is never off my two eldest kids backs, always telling them off, it makes me a nervous wreck. He hides food and if the kids find it and take some he cracks up saying its HIS. Then when i tell him thats not fair he backtracks and says hes only joking, but he isnt. I didnt have a key to the house til a month ago, i had to ask for one, he had one and his mother had what shoulda been my key…im so confused, am i to blame?? I feel like im a selfish b***h my head is a mess

[Ayanna]

Omg, this man really abuses you and the kids.
Why should you be to blame? For what?
Abusers are the ones who choose to abuse. It is always their decision. They do not have to do it.
And he seems to be dangerous too.
Can you go into a refuge?

[Scaredandlonely]

I feel im to blame as he can be nice to me, quite a lot of the time. But if i upset him he kicks off. Also he drove me so into the depths of despair with his lies i couldnt bond with our baby. Im scared he will use this against me. There are no rooms available atm. He also says if i leave it will kill his mother (shes in bad health) i feel like he has me over a barrell i feel like im permanently having a heart attack and am i a bad mum for taking the kids away from the house where all their wee toys and things are??? Oh god im so scared

[Scaredandlonely]

One of the first ppl he told when baby was born was his ex. He went mad cause i got upset by this

[Ayanna]

He uses serious emotional abuse on you.
Please ring Women’s Aid. You need to speak to them.
Your thinking needs to be rectified.

You can do research on why you could not bond with the baby and turn this against him, because it was him who caused it. Never think anything he says is the bible. You can turn every argument around and throw it back on him and he gets all the blame. It is a matter of how you present your case.
For this reason start researching and also speak to Rights of Women.

Do not let him know what you are doing!

[Scaredandlonely]

He wouldnt allow me to do anything with the baby, so eventually i felt disconnected. Then he said i was a bad mum cause of it. He throws it in my face at every chance.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Scared, i’m not sure what has happened to the other thread from earlier, i couldn’t find it.

I saw your message about staying at your friends. My thoughts are it would be preferable if you can go straight into a refuge as then there is no way he would know where you are. If you are 100% sure he cannot find you at your friends, track you there or ask around and find you then you should be ok if its only for a short time. Please keep in touch with Womens Aid and even maybe the police at this time. Don’t forget that women are at a higher risk of being killed when they leave their partners, i’m sorry I realize that must be awful to hear.

http://mysistershouse.org/domestic-violence/profile-of-an-abuser/

What you said about the logistics of a womens refuge. Its basically somewhere where you and your children can stay safely and in peace, i think for anything up to a year (you may want to confirm that with WAid). Housing Benefit can pay if you are unemployed. The refuge place could be anywhere, my experience of refuges is that different ones become available on different days, they could be anywhere in the country. Whilst you are there, his is the chance for you to breathe, become calm, rest and gather your thoughts. there would be no hurry. Your husband would not find you unless you or one of your kids let slip. The refuges are very strict about men, if a man, i.e your husband starts sniffing around you would probably be evicted. Once there you can start to think about your future and how you want to proceed, with living location, schooling, starting a new life over again. Through this time you will get so much help, counselling, freedom programme, womens aid amongst other things. Abuse hits you mentally deep into your soul and it can take some time before you feel right again. You will have to be prepared to uproot, yourself and your children and take some belongings with you. I guess you will need to start thinking about furniture loss/potential storage. Also when to make the move. This is where the leading him into a false sense of security comes in. Let him believe he has you where he wants you. With him more relaxed you can have more time to plan. You need to make your departure at the right time, preferably when he has gone out alone, to work, shopping, visiting his relatives etc. It is a complex plan that you need to put together. End result, freedom, positivity, calmness and living normally. X*X

[Healthyarchive]

Your husband sounds dangerous and unpredictable, isolating you, taking your money, watching you. Please be careful.

[Scaredandlonely]

I didnt delete my other thread, wonder why its gone?
A refuge sounds ok actually, it sounds like id get full support if i went to one. I need to speak to my support worker. If i get a chance. Im fairly confident he wouldnt find me at my friends place, he wouldnt even assume im with her hed think im with family. Hes in great form tonight. Im guessing its cause he thinks my anxiety has settled and hes home and dry again. I do feel bad about this, i dont like deciet, and thats how i feel im behaving doing this. I feel like an idiot for getting into this situation. I feel like a let down. And a coward. Im scared.

[Scaredandlonely]

He rarely goes out alone. Very rarely.

[Healthyarchive]

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/

http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-is-domestic-violence/domestic-violence-the-facts/

Dear Scarednadlonely,

Its natural to feel scared and apprehensive as you have a hell of a lot going on. Together with this your have a manipulating gaslighter on your hands who specializes in blame. Unfortunately in this case it is necessary for deceit and secrecy to come into it. He is too unpredictable and suspicious, you have been forced to be this way really. If you had done it any other way it wouldn’t have worked. You will see get over these deceptive emotions. Try very hard to keep him sweet and off your back and continue to plan your exit. X*X (I think the other thread was deleted as there was something inappropriate in it, its not anything for you to worry about). X*X

[Scaredandlonely]

I read about gaslighting the other day and i could so relate, it was a relief in a way? I also read about love bombing (think thats what its called) and he does that too. The day after going into a rage he will be so loving and affectionate, ill get a massive txt all full of sorrys and excuses etc, sometimes even letters. Then he makes me feel like a nasty cow when i dont get all happy and welcome his affection. Its turned around onto me, im cold, im not trying, im ungrateful for everything he does….

[Healthyarchive]

I liked all of the books by HG Tudor, they are short reads available free on Amazon. I started off with No Contact. Then Fuel, Questions answered by the N********t and The Devils Toolkit. The books explain well the abusers mindset and their thoughts. You understand more what you are dealing with.

[Scaredandlonely]

Ill probably have to wait before getting any books. Have you ever heard of the love bombing thing? It was so strange to read, i thought i was horrible for not wanting his love notes, now i realise it was a weird manipulation thing. It creeps me out.

[Healthyarchive]

Yes, the sequence is : love bombing, devaluation, discard, hoover. All of the books talk about it, plus there are videos on You Tube x*x

[Author]

Posts