Never been loved just controlled

[Starla]

This feels like a terribly self indulgent and unimportant post, so please forgive me if it is. With some things that have happened this week I’ve realised that noone has ever loved me or wanted me as a partner because of who I am. They’ve only wanted me because they can control me.

In some ways this doesn’t even hurt that much, it only serves to confirm my negative view of myself and my low self esteem. But it does make me feel pretty hopeless about the future. If I’ve got to this age without real love then what chance is there for me. And it’s something I’d love to experience, as much as I’d also be afraid.

The future just looks flatter and more grey than it did last week, if that makes sense.

[AlwaysSorry]

It makes sense, Starla. I don’t think I could have described that feeling better myself.

It’s not easy, but I’m trying to cling to the fact the future is unwritten. I hope there will be children in it for me, but realistically I will be too old very soon, so I try and think of other things that could give life meaning, and I hope I one day can find something, something that gets me out of this sitting around for months like I am waiting on something (I am kind of waiting on something, but can’t say here and as for after? I’ll probably find something else to wait for). I think I’d like to have friends. So I sometimes try and imagine having people in my life who believe in me, who I can trust, who will be there for me – even if not romantically – and I think that must feel nice to have again. Mostly I think I would just like to not be on edge all the time. So the future is not what I wanted (ex, children, picture perfect happiness on the outside at least), so I hope I find those friends and those things that can make it meaningful again – though I am terrified of how I will react once children will definitely be too late, though that’s an issue for another day.

You loved, Starla. I can tell by your post you loved completely, with purity and unconditionally. Even if they could only love the control of you, you never stooped to their level. Try and aim that love towards yourself – it’s so so hard, but you deserve to feel loved for who you are and sometimes the first step is loving ourselves.

[maddog]

You are so not alone, Starla. I grew up feeling totally unwanted and unloved then married an abusive man. I struggle to love myself although by now I know that I am loved by my family and I’m good at what I do. You can’t control the things behind you but you can make decisions about what’s in front of you. I really don’t like CBT but it is good for this kind of thing.

The sense of being trapped is horrible. Keep reaching out.

[Starla]

Thank you both for your lovely replies. What you say about always waiting makes sense. I was waiting too, but now know I was waiting for something that will never happen.

Thank you for caring and making me feel less alone xx

[Author]

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