Never ending pain

[Neueranfang]

The first ‘anniversary’ of leaving him is coming up.The last time he physically abused me was one day before (detail removed by Moderator) ago but the emotional abuse never stopped.I thought a year on , I would be in a better position but I’m not sure I am.The pain is always there.He repeatedly told me over the last year that bad things will happen to me because I left him and he was right.I had the worst year.Our son was seriously ill and in intensive care, I had a car crash (nothing serious but lost the car) before that my car windows got smashed.Due to an error to my booking, I couldn’t return from abroad as I planned to and couldn’t go back to work on time as I had to book and pay for new flights.I had the flu and Covid.Then we got moved and I had to start all over again.Some things might sound minor but the list is never ending.My colleagues keep saying no one wants to walk my walk.They can see what I have been through but I keep thinking to myself:‘Is this the punishment for leaving him?’All I wanted was a life without being treated like s**t but maybe I should have stayed with him and all these horrible things wouldn’t have happened.I’m so confused…STILL.I had counselling and I know he is no good to me or the kids and I don’t think I love or miss him but I miss sharing my life with someone even if that someone was my abuser.We recently got moved and I was so lucky to get a nice house in a nice area but I haven’t been able to feel happy cause I don’t have anyone/him to share it with.Or maybe I am just depressed.(detail removed by Moderator) after we had moved, I moved into the hospital with my youngest son and I haven’t been able to make the new house our home yet plus money is always tight.My ex gave his job up to obsess over me full time and he hasn’t been giving me anything for the kids (detail removed by Moderator).
I don’t know how to change feeling utterly unhappy and how to stop the pain once and for all.I didn’t want to be a single mum to two children.

[Ariadne]

Hello @Neueranfang,

I’m so sorry about what you’re going through! It does seem like a really difficult year, and I applaud you for hanging in there.
I relate to several of the things you’ve said. It might feel like ‘karma’ is not on your side, when it should be, because you have already gone through so much, and you had the courage to leave that situation.
Whatever is happening though, it is not a punishment. Your ex has planted the idea in your mind that you will not be happy without him, that bad things will happen. That’s just another way for him to exert control. So now when you are feeling down, and something bad does happen, you are reminded of who? Of him. And how maybe it could be better if he was still around. But all of these events have nothing to do with him, even though it might feel good to blame him, or have him save you. Those things could’ve happened whether you were together or not. And maybe if you WERE together, then the situation would’ve been a lot worse, because you would’ve had him to deal with on top of all of that.

My ex told me I would never find anyone else that loved me as he did. He also said he cursed me. And boy, has it felt like it sometimes. It has also still felt like if I was with him, everything would be ok, and that all the good things in my life would have more meaning if I shared my life with him.
I think it’s a common feeling, but it is in your mind and heart. In the end, he is not with you for a reason. And there are good things waiting for you on the other side 🙂

Please take care of yourself <3

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your reply.
It definitely does feel like my ex cursed me.(detail removed by Moderator) is the ‘anniversary’.He moved out (detail removed by Moderator).Anyway, it has been the toughest (detail removed by Moderator) of my life and it doesn’t seem to get any better.He is still abusing me whenever and however he possibly can.No contact is not an option as we have children together.
And now I have got Covid again.I had the Delta variant back in (detail removed by Moderator) and now I’ve got Omicron.It doesn’t seem fair.I had just got out of the hospital with my son and started to get back to ‘normal’ life and in the few days I had back at work, I caught Covid.I’m working as a (detail removed by Moderator) …:(
This should have been a peaceful week for me and my children.But now the half term holidays are ruined.No one is gonna help me with the kids and I feel rotten.It can’t get any worse.Also, I’m worried about my son as he just got over (detail removed by Moderator).I don’t want to give him Covid.His Immunsystem is still suppressed…

[Hazydayz]

💕

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