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Hey me again.
Things have taken such a weird turn i just dont know who I am what Im doing anymore I could do with some help of anyone can?
Since xmas when his behaviour ruined my fav time if year. He read ny phone a nessage telling someone how i wanted to leave someone telling me i had to leave. He has openly admitted to being nasty. To accusing ne of having an affair. Now his control has gotten harder I have to tell him exactly where i am or who im talking too what i am doing and he checks up on ne and if i am not home when i say i am he again accuses me. He is sad after really upset sometimes rarely but sometimes he says sorry. I have asked him in order to save our marriage he needs to see someone but he refuses. I live again on eggshells but worse than ever before. I want to help him ive never had an affair but i do lie i dont tell him i see a counsellor nor a trainer so this has filled me with so much guilt it is eating away at me. My counsellor tells me i must not tell him he will find a way to take these away and i will be left alone. He keeps telling me to stop working that it will help me help him if i did its all just too much. I forgot a really important piece of paperwork for my son which has now consequences for my son and im full of guilt for that too but my head is just swimming in this is it abuse question trying to stay sane trying to do everything at home as well as having a job i love so i have something in my life thats good but its all falling apart. I never thought it would get this bad be like this he admits what he is doing he knows how much it hurts yet when he gets this rage he cant stop. Im torn between wanting to help him and wanting to run. -
Dear nbumblebee
I’m so sorry it’s got this bad.
Not much advice but just to say you can’t save him. Only he can save himself. It took me a long time to realise this…
You are doing an amazing job – keeping it together for you and the kids.
But he is an adult. He is responsible for his own mistakes. He is responsible for fixing himself.
I tried so hard to save my ex but instead he nearly destroyed me as well.
Of course you feel guilty – they use that against you.
One thing I realised was that everything was always about him. There wasn’t any space for me.
Take time out to look after yourself. You are the important one here.
Lots of love xx
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I’m really sorry to hear that things are no better but not surprised. I’m afraid that this is the way they are. They don’t really seem to think about what THEY can do to change things. I started to myself in his shoes and think what would I do, how would I feel if I did what he did to me and the answer was always I’d feel bad and wonder what I could do make things better. I wouldn’t blame the person for making me act in these ways. But their first instinct is always to look out, to look at us and to find ways to make us responsible to justify the way they act.
It isn’t right that he is trying to take away your freedom. He’s doing that because he wants to take away any support you might have outside of the relationship to make it harder for you to leave. And that is probably because he is scared. And we react to that and don’t want to hurt them because we love them. But maybe its time to start asking whether he really loves you in the same way. Do his actions make you feel loved and cared for? Is he putting your wellbeing at the front of what he does? Does it feel like a partnership with someone supporting you and encouraging you to grow? This is what a loving relationship should be.
I stayed with my ex for a very long time. Because I wanted to help him get better – he has issues, there is no denying that, and I thought that if I stayed loyal and kept loving and supporting him then eventually he would get help himself and we would be stronger. But I had to come to accept that was never going to happen. He didnt want to and more importantly he didn’t actually think that he was the problem or that he had a problem. Not really. Sometimes he would get upset and say how bad he felt about behaving that way but then he would always follow up with reasons why and justify it.
It feels wrong not to be honest in a relationship – but that is the right thing to do here. They take our honesty and they use it against it in some way. Either to make us feel guilty so we give things up or a stick to beat us with to make us feel bad about ourselves.
Once I stopped giving him everything of myself and started to take back small bits to protect myself and my sanity, I really started to see things clearly. And that is scary but it becomes harder to deny what is happening and then it becomes harder to accept that you are not doing anything to get away from that situation. None of this is easy I’m afraid. All I will say is that I feel more loved and cared for on my own than I did in that marriage and home that was supposed to be my ‘safe’ place.
Keep posting and take care x-
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I guess we need to think about why is he being nice now? And if he can do it, why does he choose not to when he knows it upsets you? There is no need for you yo feel guilty,you’ve done nothing wrong. And you know that the good behaviour does not last forever. He will be back to being nasty sooner or later. It’s the rollercoaster they keep us on. If they were nasty all the time it would be easier for us to justify leaving.
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It feels like he is always nice weekends when we are together when he can see me watch me. He watches me all the time now. Asks questions all the time.
I feel suffocated he says he knows what he is doing is wrong and he is trying to stop yet he has also said it could also be my fault as ive changed.
My head is a total mess i dont know what to think anymore. Os it me is it my fault have i done this all by working by trying to believe its abuse? Is it actually all in my own head? -
It is not in your head. This is the abuse cycle.
He sounds like he is incredibly controlling and he has no right to behave like that to you.
This is coercive control – this is abuse – and they will always try to blame you.
None of this is your fault.
Please look after yourself nbumblebee – you deserve better than this. xx -
Bless you. Thanks.
I guess I need to see how this week goes. Weekends are easy i guess he is with me 24/7 so lets see if he starts again when im working. Ive found myself agreeing not to go to ny class today just to calm him down im so cross with myself but feel so full kf guilt i feel i need to compromise somehow.
Part of me believes he really is trying to stop.
I cant seem to believe its abuse no matter how hard i try. -
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I’m really sorry to hear that things are no better but not surprised. I’m afraid that this is the way they are. They don’t really seem to think about what THEY can do to change things. I started to myself in his shoes and think what would I do, how would I feel if I did what he did to me and the answer was always I’d feel bad and wonder what I could do make things better. I wouldn’t blame the person for making me act in these ways. But their first instinct is always to look out, to look at us and to find ways to make us responsible to justify the way they act.
It isn’t right that he is trying to take away your freedom. He’s doing that because he wants to take away any support you might have outside of the relationship to make it harder for you to leave. And that is probably because he is scared. And we react to that and don’t want to hurt them because we love them. But maybe its time to start asking whether he really loves you in the same way. Do his actions make you feel loved and cared for? Is he putting your wellbeing at the front of what he does? Does it feel like a partnership with someone supporting you and encouraging you to grow? This is what a loving relationship should be.
I stayed with my ex for a very long time. Because I wanted to help him get better – he has issues, there is no denying that, and I thought that if I stayed loyal and kept loving and supporting him then eventually he would get help himself and we would be stronger. But I had to come to accept that was never going to happen. He didnt want to and more importantly he didn’t actually think that he was the problem or that he had a problem. Not really. Sometimes he would get upset and say how bad he felt about behaving that way but then he would always follow up with reasons why and justify it.
It feels wrong not to be honest in a relationship – but that is the right thing to do here. They take our honesty and they use it against it in some way. Either to make us feel guilty so we give things up or a stick to beat us with to make us feel bad about ourselves.
Once I stopped giving him everything of myself and started to take back small bits to protect myself and my sanity, I really started to see things clearly. And that is scary but it becomes harder to deny what is happening and then it becomes harder to accept that you are not doing anything to get away from that situation. None of this is easy I’m afraid. All I will say is that I feel more loved and cared for on my own than I did in that marriage and home that was supposed to be my ‘safe’ place.
Keep posting and take care x -
This isn’t right.it is abuse.yes, they can say they are sorry and that they love you but it’s a suffocating type of love so that you become only theirs and they will protect u etc this isn’t a normal relationship and it’s no way to live.constantly having to know your whereabouts etc mine used to check my mileage so he knew i hadn’t been anywhere after work.constantly walking on egg shells and hoping he will change but they don’t.yes it’s hard being single but you have the freedom that goes with it as well.i wish you well and can’t tell u what to do as it isn’t easy to leave but he won’t change and this will continue if u don’t make the move.thinking of you x
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You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to change. And why would he change when his behaviour is getting you to behave exactly how he wants – no friends, no life beyond him, no job ideally, at his beck & call supplying him with whatever he demands. He’s only admitting to certain things to keep you hooked in, triggering your caring nature of wanting help/save, but it’s just ‘breadcrumbing’. Same as being nice when he knows you’re wavering, it triggers your brain to stay. Look at his behaviour, he’s admitted to knowing he’s hurting you so what’s he doing to stop? Nothing, and worse he’s hurting you more. In a safe relationship you should be able to say you’re going to the gym or to a counsellor. He’s changed because you’ve changed, you see more than you did before so he’s digging his claws in deeper x
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Oh lovely, my advice would be to stop putting that pressure on yourself. Whether you stay or leave is a huge decision, and one you know you struggle with understandably. So maybe park it for now and see how things organically develop. The more you see, the more you realise, the more you notice & the more you’ll make decisions about what you want/don’t want. As you know some ppl leave ‘big bang’ and that might happen if he get worse but not everyone does – the decision is yours, even when he makes you feel like it isn’t x
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It’s really hard to leave i wanted to on several occasions then was too scared.i made up my mind with support from someone i worked with to leave on a certain date and as that date got nearer believe me i very nearly backed down and stayed.i left when he was at work taking my child with me.god knows where i found the strength but i did and there were lots of battles in court after i am not trying make it sound easy and i had to move several times but i did it and when you feel ready you can too.although i suffered mentally and financially and still do i somehow managed and can now do what i like which took some getting used to.you can’t help him he won’t change.he doesn’t see that he needs to because he believes he is right and it’s all your fault.have you got anywhere you could go to.do you have family that would support you? You will find the strength it isn’t easy but it’s much better than having someone control your life and movements constantly.thinking of you x
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Nbumblebee I feel you hunni. U know I’m still in my relationship and some days leaving seems impossible but I’m much stronger than iv ever been about knowing I can leave and that’s down to coming here and getting help from yourself included giving me hope on my worst days. You reach out and give others the advice that your getting I know you find it hard to accept your husband is abusive but u are getting stronger and I do believe one day will be enough for u like me, I don’t know when but a day at a time and take pressure off yourself. I’m going away with my friends at weekend he’s trying to ruin it. I’m staying strong and I’m going i know it’s not easy to stay strong it’s an easier life to give In but don’t give up your job if it’s safe for you to keep your job or hes taking everything from you. Big hugs x*x
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