New and confused

[Alpaca]

Hello. I’m new here and needed to reach out. For many years I’ve lived with a very angry man. He calls me terrible names and puts me down. He never supports me and makes me feel so bad about myself. I’m too upset to say everything in detail, but when I see other women who seem so happy in their lives it makes me sad. I think about killing myself on a daily basis.

[Janedoeissad]

Hi Alpaca

It sounds like you are with a abusive man and well done for posting. It’s a great first step!

I’m so sorry that his years of abuse have left you feeling suicidal.

Please get some help for yourself. Call the Women’s Aid helpline they are amazing and have some excellent advice.

You deserve so much more than feeling the way you do now.

My Ex used to call me some horrible things and made me feel incredibly useless and small. Big hugs. I really feel for you.

Big hugs.

J xx

[Alpaca]

Thank you J. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your supportive words.
He calls me a c**** and a***hole. I’m also a f***ing whatever. He shouts at me to stop crying and that I’m not a child. In his eyes women are spoilt if they have men who look out for them. And I can’t have it both ways. He also tells me to extinguish my bra. He sulks too if I have in some way displeased him. I’m educated to degree level (he isn’t) and intelligent and I cook his meals and do stuff for him, but it’s not enough.

[KIP.]

It will never be enough. Abusers simply change the goal posts and continue to abuse. Read Living withthe Dominator by Pat Craven. Ask yourself how you would react if a friend or relative told you their partner was behaving this way. Abuse creeps up on us and we don’t see it. Like putting a frog in warm water then turning up the heat to boil. If it was boiling to start with it would simply jump out. Sulking is a means of control. Next time you won’t do what makes him sulk. Right or wrong he’s punishing you for a perceived wrong but also training you not to do it again. Controlling behaviour. Most people discuss what’s wrong in an adult way but abusers would just twist things round to blame us or sulk. I had constant suicidal thoughts. That’s what abuse does. We feel trapped. Our anger unexpressed turns inwards to depression. Please find your local women’s aid. They saved me x

[Alpaca]

Thank you so much for your kindness. You have both made me understand that it’s not in my head. He says that I exaggerate and that he doesn’t call me names. I just lie apparently. The other day he got angry because the potatoes I put on for his meal were taking too long to soften. He was blaming me. Ages ago he said that I would be a nightmare when I reach the menopause. Now I am peri-menopausal and I’m afraid he will get even more angry about that. I feel shame about this time of my life. I took lots of my prescribed painkillers last weekend and drifted in and out of sleep. He just ignored me and ate some food and put the television on loudly. He does this weird whispering to himself too. xx

[Janedoeissad]

I totally agree with KIPs statement. Women’s Aid saved me.

My Ex called me Common, a C**t (I hated that word before and now I really hate!) and that nothing I did was good enough. He thought women were weak.

I am also degree educated and he wasn’t , I have a good job. I’m thankful that I had these things to keep my confidence up and show myself I wasn’t as worthless as he said I was.

It took him threatening to
hurt me for me to leave.

You sound like such a lovely lady. Please do as KIP has said. Read all the information she has suggested.

Please keep posting on here. For me, the ladies on here get it more than anyone and they helped me get out. My family and friends helped but these lot have been through it and totally understand x J

[Alpaca]

Thank you. Everyone has been so kind and supportive.
I have chronic and acute nerve pain in my right leg. I’m sure that’s down to extreme stress. I’m so tired with coping with his anger and not looking forward to nice things. I’d rather live with my mentally ill and alcoholic widowed elderly father than this. At least I can live a sort of half life and see my friends. And I would have more money.
I will contact Women’s Aid as you have all said. Thank you. Best wishes to you all. xx

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