New and confused

[Naptime]

Hi, I’m new and I think I was in a coercive relationship but I’m not really sure and I don’t really know how to feel.

I broke up with my boyfriend a while back because j was unhappy and didn’t feel like I loved him the way I did at the begining. Since the breakup I’ve spoken to my mum and I’ve read articles and I think I was in a coercive relationship.
It was my first relationship and I never really knew what to expect.
He started the relationship with a lie, he told me he broke up with his ex because she cheated on him. I later found out that was all a lie and she never cheated on him, they were never even together. I feel like he started the relationship wanting me to feel sorry for him.

He was away alot with work and whenever he was away we would argue. It got to a point where I was scared to talk to him, I was scared to do anything with my day because he’d question me over the phone or he’d accuse me of being with someone if I didn’t answer the phone. I just knew it was easier for me to not reply and save the arguing for later.

There’s be times where I would tell him how I was feeling on the phone or send him a photo to keep him up to date. And he’s question who was in the background or where was I.

I just don’t know if I did the right thing breaking up with him while he was away with work. I feel awful because he was a wreck when we broke up and for weeks he’d message me crying to a point where I had to tell him to leave me alone.

I know it’s alot, sorry. Thanks

[Lisa]

Hi Naptime

Welcome to the forum! You are right to have come to the conclusion that your ex was very controlling, most abusers lie about why their last relationship ended and how they were the victim in that scenario.

To be constantly questioned about where you are, who you are with and what you are doing is not normal and feeling anxious to answer the phone because you know you will be accused of something are all clear signs of an abusive relationship.

I just want to reassure you that you have done the right thing, his control would have likely got worse, you have done really well to end the relationship, it is a typical abuser tactic to guilt trip you as much as they can when you end the relationship, but cutting contact with him is the best thing to do which is sounds like you have already done. Please don’t feel bad, you were never in the wrong here.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[HunkyDory]

Hi naptime welcome. He was definitely controlling and certainly not making you happy so well done for getting out. Don’t feel bad for him, that’s exactly what his aim is to reel you back in. It would only get worse, you’re well out of it xx

[Escapee]

Hi Naptime

Well done for getting out of that relationship. Please don’t doubt yourself, you are spot on with your assessment of his behaviour.
Take some time out for you now and be really kind to yourself x*x

[Naptime]

Thankyou. Thanks for make me feel so welcome.

I really needed that reassurance. I’ve had really great support from my mum, but everyone else who I’ve tried to speak to has shut me down or I felt like they didn’t really think it was that bad or like he would actually do those things.

I’ve found it so hard to cut all contact. Im so used to having to text him all day. I’m getting used to it now but still have the occasional wobble where I miss talking to him.(I haven’t yet and don’t plan on doing)

It really means alot knowing there’s people here who will listens and support me. So thankyou. x

[HunkyDory]

Keep going naptime, it’s hard going completely no contact but you are doing great x come and post here if you’re having a wobble and you’ll find all the support and advice you need xx

[Author]

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