New and feel so sick and stressed

[Justwanttobewhoiwas]

Hiya everyone.

New here after womens aid recommended I join. My ex has been arrested (detail removed by moderator) after after a pretty serious attack on me and and a history of physical and mental abuse. I’m currently deciding weather or not to drop it or take it to crown court.

Think I’m going to end up taking it to court but honestly I’m so scared about it all! Like petrified. The fear is making me not wanna go through with it but then I also feel like I will regret it if I don’t go through with it and I don’t see why he shouldn’t be punished for ruining my life the way he has done 😩

Ontop of all of this I’m carrying a lot of guilt for how this is going to ruin his life and the stress it will cause. I know logically I shouldn’t feel this way as it was his doing not mine but there’s a strong unhealthy attachment to this person and I just wana be free of it. I want the life I had before I met him. I’m so worried and so stressed and so sick from all of this. Idk what to do 😞

[Put the kettle on]

Hi, it sounds like you’ve been through so much.
I can relate to not knowing whether to go ahead with pressing charges, I too felt sorry for my ex, even though he had committed a crime. Remind yourself that he chose to do what he did, you are not responsible at all. It’s a decision only you can make and there’s no wrong or right answer, it’s about what you think is best.
Have you spoken to your doctor or any other domestic abuse charity? They may be able to offer support and advice too

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

So sorry you have had experienced this at the hands of someone you love and who supposedly loves you.

As (detail removed by moderator) is very serious, a (detail removed by moderator). WITH INTENT. Please absorb that. He INTENDED to do this to you and he did. I would hope he is on remand for this at the moment?

If he is not on remand then he will be on bail with conditions not to contact you. There will be protection measures in place to protect you from further harm, and also to give you space from him. This space will be to try and recover from your injuries, time to think, time to get professional support, be updated about the criminal justice process and what will happen next.

You will be classed as a Vulnerable and Intimidated witness as per the Victim’s Charter and you should be kept informed of the judicial process all the way through. Has he admitted what he has done to you or denied it? If he has been charged, then the CPS will be happy there is sufficient evidence to proceed to a trial, and if there is other independent evidence then this may go ahead as an ‘evidence led’ prosecution (formerly known as a victimless prosecution.) If he has admitted the offence then this would go straight to court as a Guilty Plea and you would not be required to give evidence. You will have the chance to make a Victim Personal Statement that can be read out in court regarding how this assault has affected you prior to a sentence being passed.

If he has pleaded Not Guilty then you would be required to give evidence, and this can be from behind screens so that he does not see you and you don’t have to see him. This process is known as Special Measures, and police put these in place to protect you during the court process. You should also have support at court from an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor known as an IDVA. You will still have the opportunity to make a Victim Personal Statement. If you have already made one, you can make a further one prior to the court date.

I have worked with many ladies who have feared the court process and have ‘dropped’ charges on several occasions before finally going through with it. Many have said afterwards that they wished they had done it on the previous occasions as it was not as bad as they thought, and also, they liked that they finally had a voice and were ‘heard’.

At this time, you and he are on different paths. It is natural that you feel sorry for him and what the future may bring for him. You are putting his needs before yours. With an abuser, it is natural that he will also feel sorry for him and what the future may bring for him too. He will be panicking about doing time, what this will mean etc, so he’ll do everything he can to put pressure on you to drop the case. He’ll be doing this by begging for forgiveness, promising to change, and if that doesn’t work he’ll start to use threats to scare you and intimidate you. He WILL NOT be worried about what he has done to YOU or consider your needs and welfare over his own.

If he was a decent man (he wouldn’t be in this position in the first place!) then he would sit and reflect on what he has done. He would take responsibility for his actions and accept the consequences. He would plead guilty. He would be genuinely remorseful and he would seek the support to change himself to ensure this type of violence and rage would never happen again to anyone ever again. He would leave you alone whilst the wheels of justice ran its course and he would understand why you would never want to see or hear from him again. Is that likely do you think?

For a victim of DA we sit and reflect on the consequences of what they have done. We do not think of the consequences of what they have done to US, we consider the future harm to THEM if we hold them accountable for their actions. We are decent, caring people and we constantly put the welfare of others before ourselves. Now is a time to put yourself first and think about your needs.

Will this assault have left you with a life changing injury? A scar? Will you still be able to do things? The physical injuries may heal, but the emotional and psychological trauma will take a long time to deal with. Why shouldn’t he be accountable for his actions? Seeking justice and accountability is not about seeking revenge or getting your own back on him for what he has done. It is a judicial process to make people accountable for their actions so that they can be punished for them, and hopefully learn from what they have done. Many never learn from this experience and continue to offend, and that tells you something about people.

Do not make any rash decisions at the moment. Over the next few weeks and months your emotions will change daily. You will be going through pain, trauma, grief and guilt and you need to understand all of this and take in in to account with how you feel daily. This is all a natural part of the process.

If your support workers are not available to talk to when you need them, please call the Samaritans for free on 116 123 at any time (particularly if in the middle of the night and you feel alone and overwhelmed with it all). This is a time when you most need to take the lifelines of support that are being thrown at you so that you can save yourself from despair.

I understand the process you are facing. Please do not fear it. Everyone is wanting what is best for you and to protect you.

[summerrose]

I think you’re showing a lot of bravery for even getting this far. The emotional side of abuse is something I’m realising isn’t accounted for all that well by the system. Sending you lots of love and strength to do whatever is best for you

[Author]

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