New and feeling like a fraud

[Redsunflower]

Hi

Not really sure where to begin, not even sure I belong here.

I’m happily married, my relationship with my husband is wonderful, I honestly can’t praise him enough. However for a few years I’ve been suffering with anxiety and depression and it’s recently come to light that one of the reasons this has come about could be due to a previous relationship that was controlling and mentally abusive.

It wasn’t a long relationship and there wasn’t really any physical violence however there was a lot of checking my phone, who I can and can’t see, where I can and can’t go, everything being my fault, no one other than him loved me and when the relationship ended I had months of being followed, turning up at my home, place of work, friends houses and appearing on nights out along with continuous messaging. This was a long time ago and it’s only recently that I’ve come to realise this was abuse.

I feel like a fraud because others have had it so much worse, it didn’t have a huge impact on me at the time (probably because I did my thing of being a super hero and nothing bothers me) it wasn’t a long relationship, it was a long time ago and I no longer live in the area however my family still do so I do visit.

Why is this bothering me now? I’m remembering things that happened and were said, my sleep is disturbed by nightmares, and I’m currently signed off work. I feel so guilty for not reporting it at the time, what if he’s doing the same to someone else now? I dread reading the news and seeing a story involving him. I also feel horrendous guilt that my poor husband is having to deal with all of this when none of it is his fault.

Sorry for the rant.

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome. The effects of being abused can stay with us for life and these feelings of anxiety are very often triggered when there’s extra stress in our lives like lockdown which has brought up lots of mental health issues and made me feel that out of control way I did when I was being abused. It’s important that you get some good therapy. Trauma therapy. Read The Body Keeps The Score. Talk to your GP. You can definitely recover from this and educate yourself with coping mechanisms for any future triggers. It sounds like PTSD which can pop up years and decades later. It’s never too late to report an abuser. Your statement can be used to corroborate another victim and can also be used in Claire’s Law if a new partner decides to ask the police if they have any knowledge of his past behaviour.

[Redsunflower]

Hi

Thank you for your reply.

It hadn’t even occurred to me to report it now, I have no evidence, none of the messages etc so don’t feel like I would be taken seriously, especially as it’s a lot of years later.

I believe the reason I’ve struggled lately is due to lockdown and things being out of my control and in the hands of the government, not being able to leave my home is bringing back memories of not leaving my home for fear of him being sat round the corner waiting for me or going out and being followed.

I’ve had a lot of various therapies like cbt but nothing focused on trauma so I will look into that thank you.

Thank you for your advise x

[KIP.]

So much more now is understood about abuse and stalking and how they’re very often repeat offenders so it’s never too late to report even without evidence. If he’s done it again your statement will add weight. Yes lockdown brought back those same feelings for me. Scared to leave the house, overthinking things. OCD. Poor sleep. Try keeping a journal in the meantime. Take a look at mindfulness too x be very kind to yourself x

[Redsunflower]

Thank you so much. I will look into reporting him, but afraid of it, I don’t want him back in my life or to know anything about my life or where I live I now.

I’m sorry you’re having those feelings as well, it’s awful.

X

[KIP.]

We are strong and will have survived worse. When you’re feeling stronger talk to victim support. You can report anonymously via them x

[Lisa]

Hi Redsunflower,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be with others who understand. It is great to see KIP has already given you support. Please do keep posting when you can, it can really help and there will always be support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Redsunflower]

Thank you. Taken the first step today and have called the police to report him. I just can’t live with the possibility of reading a news report of it happening to someone else and him being involved and me having done nothing about it. Feeling an absolute rollercoaster of emotions right now, shaking like a leaf but hoping this is the start of me being able to move on

[KIP.]

Good for you. The trauma is going to come back so talk to your GP or get some good trauma counselling in place. Get some good breathing exercises and mindfulness exercises. Do things that make you happy and be prepared for an exhausting aftermath of nervous energy. It actually empowered me to report him. How dare he! I wrote it all down before the police arrived and gave it to them, I then did a statement with them x power to you x

[KIP.]

Feel free to personal message me if you want to 👍

[Redsunflower]

Thank you so much. I’m now doubting myself, was it really that bad? Why am I doing it when it was so long ago? I will stay strong and see it through. My husband agreed it was the right thing to do and maybe it will help me put it all behind me.

[KIP.]

It’s normal to doubt yourself. I constantly felt like I was the guilty one too. Imagine him doing those things to your daughter or friend or mother. It was bad enough for you to still be affected by the trauma of it years later. You’re doing the right thing and it’s great you have support from your husband. It won’t be easy but I think it will help you to process it mentally. Once youve given your statement, hes their problem x power to you.
abuse thrives on silence x

[KIP.]

Let us know how you get on when you’re ready x

[Redsunflower]

Hi

Sorry it’s been a while, letting things sink in a bit.

So I reported him to the police, I told them I didn’t want any action taken, it’s too long ago but I wanted it recorded in case anyone else has issues with him. Honestly quite disappointed with the police. I just got a text after my initial call to say it’s recorded and closed, I’d prepared myself for more questions and being asked for more details. But I guess at least it’s noted now.

I’ve also spoken to my GP who referred me to a local charity and I had my first support session with them yesterday. I’m remembering this I’ve shut away and ignored for so long and it hurts and today I’m quite honestly just feeling like a good cry under a blanket. I’m hoping this is the beginning of the end and I’ll finally be able to accept and deal with the mental torture and stalking and put it all behind me

[Empoweredhealing]

Hi redsunflower, glad that you are getting support in healing this trauma. Sounds like this was an unhealed wound that rose to the surface now so that you can heal it and thrive in your new life.

[Anonymous]

Hi I am going through similar emotions Redsunflower I know how you feel.I’m (detail removed by moderator) at the moment of violence and abuse I chose to not think about now it’s full on and upsetting. Emotionally drained and weak I’ve reached out for therapy and have my first appointment tomorrow.Hope it helps me process and move on as it’s just on my mind constantly now and having many bad days. I know how you’re feeling x

[Author]

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