New and lonely

[lonelyandconfused]

I recently (about [detail removed by moderator] ago) realised that I am a victim of abuse. Not violent but controlling and coercive. Ibhave been cut off from all family & friends, and have only nrw friends who i don’t trust to talk about this to. Since Christmas I have felt like I’ve had enough, and want to protect our child from learning that the behaviour is normal.

I went to my GP [detail removed by moderator]; i didn’t know where else to start. She referred me to counselling to help me talk it through with someone objective. She also said she didn’t want to collude with me about hiding things from him, when i said i would not be able to freely get to an appointment without him knowing. She didn’t seem to grasp that if i tell him, he will make my life hell knowing i won’t argue back in front of our child.

Now i am waiting for counselling and feel i have lost my urge to fight but know i need to. My worry is i work from home, so while i am financially independent, i need to stay in our home. It is unlikely he would leave even though he has somewhere to go.

I feel like it’s all such a mess and i don’t know where to start.

[Lisa]

Hi Lonelyandconfused

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for being brave enough to share what is happening for you at the moment.

Sorry to hear your GP didn’t fully understand your situation, hopefully the counselling will be useful. If you find it is tricky to get to the appointments because of your partner, you may be able to get some specialist and ongoing over the phone support from your local domestic abuse support service. If you go to the very bottom of the main Women’s Aid homepage in the pink box there is a link ‘Find your local service’ where you can search for details of this. Alternatively you can always contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 and speak to a worker about your options.

I can hear you need to stay in the property because of work, and you are right he probably won’t agree to move out. You may want to start keeping a secret diary logging his abusive behaviour and seek some legal advice to ask about the option of applying for an Occupation Order, which could be the only way to legally remove him from the property.

It can feel overwhelming to know where to begin, but the ladies on here are great for offering both practical suggestions and emotional support.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Bettybird]

hello and welcome… My little bit of advice if you choose to take it…. save a penny or two for a rainy day that he doesnt know about.You work from home and say youre financially independent. Thats now. The reason i say that is i have countless friends who have left with nothing and ended up on benefits ( me included). i had my own practice at one time and ended up with children, a few carrier bags and i had to leave the home as he wouldnt. I didnt have the strength to carry on working for myself as i had to sort benefits, settle the children and all of the emotional stuff that comes with taking the children… anyway your journey might be totally different but i wish someone had told me to save a penny, just in case. life would have been much easier. I wonder . can you work from a new home if you decided to leave? My council loaned me the deposit on a lovely little cottage and they gave me a cooker & fridge. Everything else I got myself from charityshops etc. I made a lovely home with a few bits and a lick of paint. You will be surprised of the possibilities thats out there.. I hope you find your way and keep posting x

[lonelyandconfused]

Thank you both for your replies. I have considered an occupation order, or whether i vould work elsewhere. I could,but it would mean having a conversation with my clients and them being understanding.

I have started a diary going back as far as i xacan remember, which i keep securely online. I have also considered a bank account but assume this involves paperwork coming through the door.

I do need to speak to someone. I tried RightsofWomen today for some legal advice but line engaged.

I will keep going. I feel a whole mess coming my way to deal with, plus keeping some semblance of normality for our child. It’s all so so hard to do on my own but i will.

[Lyng]

I totally understand where you are coming from, as I run a business in my home as well. In my case a particularly nasty incident prompted a call to police (he threatened to kill himself – holding my hand to the knife at his throat saying the police would blame it on me)- he didn’t legally have to go but was persuaded by police. He was very angry and damaged the house etc. One thing I do have to say though, is if you have a personal business at all, your clients will understand. They already know, and will be relieved you are getting out. That’s how it was for me. There are ways to argue via legal means you should stay in the home. Get advice from a lawyer and women’s aid.

[lonelyandconfused]

Thanks Lyng for your advice, sorry to hear it got so nasty. I think my clients would understand due to the nature of their work, but I don’t really want to have the conversation with them, I’ve always kept business and personal quite separate. Nor do I want to unsettle our child by moving if I don’t have to.

An occupation order is, I think, based on the evidence of violence or the threat of it. He hasn’t ever been, just a bit rough with our child once about (detail removed by Moderator) ago, so I can’t see how that is an option for me. I can’t see how I would ever need to call the police as he isn’t violent, as far as I have experienced.

I feel guilty – we get along and have similar interests and on the surface it’s fine provided I don’t rock the boat. I think I am so isolated and used to how things are that I have accepted it as normal or as how things will be. But I know it isn’t normal, or how things should be.

I realised recently that by staying, I am depriving our child of knowing my side of the family that they don’t know exists. That doesn’t sit right with me at all. I need to do this for our child if not for me.

The Rights of Women phone line time that I can call is only once a week, so I will try again next time. I’ll try Women’s Aid too.

Thanks for listening, it mean a lot that someone can offer support and advice x

[Author]

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