New and need help!!!!

[Wishbone]

Hi everyone i’ve just ended my toxic abusive marriage again after several attempts of taking him back and doing everything I could to make it work but I’m a nervous wreck and feel so lost. I have my kids and no one else I have no friends due to him and I feel completely alone. I think that’s maybe why he always ends up back but I’ve got to get away from this man he’s not violent but he’s very verbally abusive he is also a drinker and blames his behaviour on drink (why drink then) he has me in tears most days I literally feel so ill and such a wreck because of him and I feel so pathetic but I really am struggling and don’t know what to do.

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Wishbone
Welcome, I’m glad to hear that you are out of this.

You have done the right thing, his behaviour is not acceptable and you and your children deserve so much better.

It can be such a shock when you do put an end to it, please don’t underestimate this. If you haven’t already, it may be well worthwhile seeking out a sympathetic GP to talk to and visit regularly until you are more settled.

You are not alone, you’re part of a community here and we get it and we’ve got your back, so pop on here anytime and just share- good times and bad, let us know what’s happening for you.

I’m not sure what your circumstances are, or your commitments but just now it is important to take it steady if you can and be kind to yourself. Not easy with children but try things that are going to help you to reconnect, family movie, family walks etc. Not easy to suggest ideas as don’t know specifics but do your family things- whatever they are and do them guilt free and give yourself permission to enjoy them and relax.

If you haven’t already got support in place, I would consider contacting your local domestic abuse service to access support with your next steps. They can help you to explore what’s out there for you opportunity wise and refer you into other appropriate services. First of all, they will make sure that you are safe and help get you any support around that if needed.

Hang in there Wishbone, it will get better-you’re going to be ok.

Soulsearcher18

[Wishbone]

Hi I am really struggling cause I feel so alone my kids are growing up and have there own lives. I’ve just woke up sweats dripping off me and I’m sat shaking questioning everything. Some times I think it’s my doing then I think get a grip this man has messed my head up playing mind games he does what ever he wants yet I’m not allowed to do anything. Why do I love this man and why do I hurt so much over a guy that treats me this way. I literally feel like I can’t function. I don’t even know what I think any more all I know is how I have to not go back this time. He comes and goes in and out of my life week in week out and I constantly take him back believe all the words that I want to hear and somehow back to how bad I am. I really do feel so messed up. This has been my life for so long. I’m scared to be without him but I’m suffering with him. Even typing this message I can’t get the right words out sorry if im not making sense.

[Soulsearcher18]

You’re making sense Wishbone.
Yes, how you are feeling is as a result of his actions.
It is not your fault, you are not responsible for his actions.
You deserve better for yourself.
Can you reach out on here to Women’s Aid to get some professional advice on your next steps and some professional reassurance too, that how you are feeling is ‘normal’ and that it will pass.
The links for the different ways to access support are in link below:

I need help – information and support on domestic abuse

There are also a few links on here, there’s a booklist of useful books- Pat Craven’s Living With the Dominator is highly recommended. There’s also links on forum (if you look under topics and scroll down- I’m sorry I don’t remember exactly where they are) to the trauma cycle and info on this is my abuser which may help you to see things more clearly. Ultimately for you to see that you are not alone,

It would be useful for you to reach out to local services in your area. I would encourage you to find everything and everything that you can support wise and try everything and see what works for you. The link to find local sservices is below:

Domestic Abuse Directory

Listening to how you feel, I would also suggest visiting your GP and if you can find one you relate to booking in to see them regularly for a while. Please don’t underestimate the impact that he has had on you, this will improve but it will take time and it will be easier to navigate with support. Your GP can also let you know and refer you to other useful services- if they know their stuff and go the extra mile. If nothing else- they may just offer medication and if this is an option for you, try not to be too afraid of this but just book in regularly to review progress.

I’m being really directive in my post here and I don’t mean to be, we are here just to listen if all you just need to talk but I know how I was when I left, like jelly and couldn’t think and so I’m just trying to give you what I hope is sensible advice and steps that you can take and how you can take those steps so that you don’t have to think too much. These steps are based on things that have actually helped me in my recovery.

Take care

Soulsearcher18

[Wiseafter]

Hi Wishbone, really sound advice from Soulsearcher18 there. I have just left and I am also finding it very hard. We will be OK but it will take time to heal, time to build up resilience and if, like me, you don’t have much support you have to be militant about seeking it from professionals and keep sharing on this forum. Take baby steps towards your personal recovery. You have been attacked in your very soul in your home by the person who was supposed to have your best interests at heart. You know you deserve better, now you have to take back the power for your kids, build new foundations and strong walls. You are damaged right now but you will be OK. We are all on the same journey and you are not alone.

[Wishbone]

Hi wise after. Yes great advice from soulsearcher18 and as much as I know your both right I’m stuck in this self pity and hurt like mad. I’m really struggling with all these emotions right now. Why am I suffering while he’s drinking away and laughing with others and just carries on like normal. Frustration anger and hurt it’s all there I feel sick constantly and so tired of it all. Just waiting for the day I wake up and the light bulb switches on. Hope your ok too.

[dustypink]

Hi Wishbone,

You are not alone in your situation! There wouldn’t be so much abuse if it wouldn’t be like that.

Reading and educating yourself helps a lot. I’ve stopped being emotionally dependant on him after I understood the reasons I had all these feelings (same as yours), and this was all about me really.
It’s about not loving yourself and having empty hole inside which you are trying to fill with these emotions.

And it’s not love. Addiction, emotions, fear … anything, but not love. Love is different, love doesn’t make us feel bad, it makes us feel good and loved and appreciated. But the main point is that you need to fill this hole inside with your own love first. To make yourself full again.

You have a great chance to build your own life now. You can create it from scratch and fill with the people you like seeing, with the things you like doing, hobbies, work, films, walks, sports, books, travel.. there are so many exciting things around you probably stopped noticing while being concentrating on him, not on yourself!

Ask yourself a question. What would make you happy? What dream you’ve had and what did you like to do when you’ve been young? Playing guitar? Having a dog? Or something you would never allow yourself to have while being with him?

It’s all about you now, this chapter is finally about you. Your own life and happiness. Please take responsibility, switch to the drivers seat and make yourself happy, no one else can do it!

xx

[Hazydayz]

Hi. Loved what you said! So true!

[Wishbone]

Thanks dustypink. I believe your right and today has actually been a good day. I spoke to a very old friend today who I haven’t seen for a long time and made plans to meet up. Firstly I thought I was doing something so wrong and then I realised I would never have been able to do that with him. I started to feel ok then boom he appears to ask me if we are totally over for about 30 seconds I melted then he went straight into how bad I am and how I have made him think he’s not good enough for me and how I have done basically everything so bad to him and I just said your in denial you have to blame anyone except your self and I just said yes I am too good for you (inside I was shaking) I walked away burst into tears as it hurts so much but I am going to get through this. He’s not putting me down, degrading me and mentally abusing me. I am worth more than that. Hopefully I wake up tomorrow and feel the same and don’t have another melt down. Just need the waves of every emotion going to calm down. Maybe il wake up in tears I don’t know what tomorrow will bring buy hey I got through another day.

[Soulsearcher18]

YES Wishbone, Nice One!
I like this.
That was brilliant of you.
Zero contact would be best moving forward, is there anyway you could get him legally not allowed into your space?
I’m just thinking of your safety too as don’t know too much about your situation, you did great but he doesn’t have the right to do this to you.
That is great about connecting with an old friend.
It is likely going to be an up and down time, that’s natural but step at a time and it will come quietly for you. Then you’ll look back and think – wow!
Great news!

Soulsearcher18

[Wishbone]

Hope your right soulsearcher18. Woke up this morning sweat dripping off me again I suffer from anxiety and get panic attacks so feel down again this morning. (was all so brave yesterday) I’m sure this feeling will pass. I’m up and down and had enough of this rollercoaster. Thanks again all the support here is great. I hope I can help others very soon.

[Author]

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