14th May 2016 at 8:25 pm #17291
Hello, I am new to this forum. I have been abused for many years (emotionally, psychologically, physically and sexually) and when it started on my children I escaped for the 4th and final time a few months ago. After severe postnatal depressions and time in counselling I came to realise how badly I was being abused.
But I am not free, and I realise I can’t give details here but just to say I have to see my abuser every 2 weeks to supervise his contact with our young children…. I do this to keep him happy (and so I can squirrel money etc) until I have finished my plans on getting us somewhere safe for our new life.
These plans will finalise in the next few weeks, and I am scared, and I need support please.
Once I move us to our new life I don’t want to have to supervise this contact, I never want to see this man again. Can I do that? And how? I don’t want to deny him his kids, but I cannot supervise anymore. He has abused my children and referrals have gone to children’s services, they (MASH team) have told me no further action as I am safeguarding the kids by ensuring they’re not left alone with their dad…. but I can’t do this forever surely? He still abuses us.
How on earth am I meant to enable safe, supervised contact without doing it myself? No friends or family are wiling to be with him. My kids won’t go off with him alone and it’s not safe for them to either.
I’m scared about the future and know nothing about the court process or what’s inshore ahead. I have quite a bit of evidence should I need it for court or prosecution etc down the line…
Please, can anyone give me some pointers here? As I get closer to my freedom I am getting closer to the point where I just know that I cannot bear to be the supervise for much longer, thank you.
14th May 2016 at 9:05 pm #17295KIP.Participant
Hi there. I’m sorry I don’t have any experience for you but most solicitors will give you the first half hour free so I would start by visiting a few local family solicitors. I know there are contact centres where children are supervised but from what I read between the lines, you may be able to refuse contact with their father their abuser. The helpline number on here can offer other agencies that may be able to help. It’s a horrible position to be in and I wonder if he is using the children so that you have to be there too? Why do you want him to have contact with his children if he has abused them? Are you in contact with your local women’s aid? They were fantastic with me x
14th May 2016 at 9:27 pm #17299
Yes, I have a solicitor on board and a support worker from Women’s Aid but I can’t seem to get answers to these questions from them? And ideally I don’t want my kids to ever see him ever again, but I know that no court will ever grant that (despite him threatened to kill one of them) and so I’m trying to manage a middle ground but manage it all alone
14th May 2016 at 10:45 pm #17310AyannaParticipant
Call Rights of Women and also find out who the head for safeguarding children is in your borough.
Are delay tactics possible? I know in European countries women can refuse to turn up to these appointments by saying the children are sick and they come next time and so on. It works there. They just say the children have headache or fever or high blood pressure and that’s it.
Could this work for you? Ask your lawyer. This way you can estrange the children from him. After a while of no contact you can say that the contact is senseless because the children have no relationship to him. It works in Europe.
You can say that they are afraid of him and every time they see him they are unwell…. I know this from European countries how women get rid of the abusive men there.
How do you plan to get out of this? Moving within the country? For reasons of employment you can always move. If it is a necessity to earn money, pay bills and you have a better job far away, at the other end of the country, that should be plausible for the court.
You cannot enable safe supervised contact with someone who has abused you physically. This means he is stronger than you and can anytime overwhelm you and abuse the children. I would call the police every time for protection. Or social services has to employ a security company to protect you.
15th May 2016 at 8:07 am #17321Peaceful PigParticipant
I’m a little puzzled. Did social services make the decision that contact must be supervised? If they did then they have a duty to provide it from a contact centre and should not be expected you to do it. I suspect they will just let you get on with it if you don’t refuse as they often have limited understanding of DV.
If this is your decision then you are within your rights to stop the contact and let him take it to court. It is not in anyone’s best interests for you to continue seeing him. You can never heal this way, you need the option of no contact. Court is a long, difficult process and there are no guarantees. Maybe moving a long disfance away is a good idea, anything to make it harder for him. This is so stressful for you. Good luck xx
15th May 2016 at 7:50 pm #17358
It is puzzling and I feel like I don’t know how to get out of this, you are right that having contact is harming me. The kids were referred to children’s services and I was told that unless I supervised the contact myself, then I would be failing to safeguard my children, and then they’d investigate me and my ability to look after them.
And yet they won’t offer me a solution? Apparently I cannot use a contact centre unless I go to court, but that seems like such an act of war.
So I feel that I have no choice? And I am scared of just stopping contact and letting it go to court because he will really kick off, and I don’t want to intentionally estrange my kids from their father but I need to know the are emotionally and physically safe when they’re with him. Does that make sense?
15th May 2016 at 8:55 pm #17375AyannaParticipant
Not to me. Let him kick off at court. That is his problem. You said it is not safe for your kids to be with him. What more do you need. He is a danger for the kids.
There seem to be severe safeguarding issues and you seem to be bullied by social services. You need good legal advice.
Call Rights of Women tomorrow. x*x
15th May 2016 at 9:52 pm #17381Peaceful PigParticipant
That is a ridiculous decision by social services. If they believe the children are at risk they must take responsibility. Sadly we cannot rely on these agencies to help us. I really think court is the only option, but I agree it feels aggressive. I felt just as you do and was terrified of his reaction. I think I found it harder than leaving him in the first place, but actually the court order was a good thing in the end. Even then the social worker kept saying things like “shall we just leave that loose?” I kept having to explain that absolutely any opportunity to gaslight and abuse me would be taken full advantage of. My solicitor was great and every minute detail is decided in advance so I can have no contact with him. I can’t express to you the difference this has made. The family rights group may be able to advise you also regarding social services xx
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