New and so very confused

[Confusedmidlife]

Hi, I have pondered long enough to post something on here. I am so very lost, I have been with my partner now for nearly (detail removed by moderator) years, and to be honest looking back I’m not sure why that long! He has anger issues and over those years has blown up so bad calling me vile names, telling me my family think the same of me, and my kids hate me (they all older) I’m sure I don’t need to go into great detail you’ll get the gist. These rages are normally over him feeling unjust, not enough sex, spending more money than I have, me talking to someone for to long, (opposite sex) one of his friends, or anyone. When he goes he goes, has even left for an entire weekend announcing he was away to shag a prostitute, when he arrived back with some (detail removed by moderator) and flowers all I had to do was forgive and forget, I didn’t obviously and moved his stuff into the spare room, then I was the one in the wrong as I hadn’t even messaged him to make sure he was alright! I have forgiven and stayed, but now I find myself at the stage of why? And I’m not sure I have forgiven because every time there’s another out burst I will bring up the last, I am no shrinking violet when it comes to sticking up for myself, In fact i have shoved him out of my way when screaming in my face. The confusion I have now is before we got locked down I had made up my mind and voiced this to him that things were over! We are still in the same house, separate rooms. I am working from Home, he’s off and moping around stay in pj’s smoke pot, cry’s, and complains that I hate him. Which I have never said. I am trying to be amicable, and that’s becoming increasingly difficult because it’s like he’s hanging on a hope for me to change my mind. Now if what I have been living is verbal abuse why is he like that. He says I moan, yes I do (when you don’t clean up after yourself, or pee on the bathroom floor, or that I have cooked every night come Friday) normal things I think! Arrrrgh I’m sorry I can’t get this all out properly. I have sat and talked about the things that need to change going forward at the time of the first outburst, then the next and next. He has been to counselling for anger but put nothing into it, leaving a task she gave him to do before their next session which he left till the night of that next session. It seemed pointless really as he never spoke about it after, so nothing as a couple was gained. He is now making me feel like I am the abuser, I am fed up in my own head, I think I’m a nice person, I would do anything for anyone, but I am currently going over and over everything again and again and driving myself insane. I don’t want to end up giving in, and a few more months down the line hate myself for being weak and letting him manipulate me again with he can change. But I am also lonely. I hope someone can help because I am feeling like a lost cause!

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome, what you describe is a typical abuser.have you read living with the Dominator by PatCraven? It opened my eyes. You should also contact your local women’s aid and ring the national domestic abuse helpline. There’s no point in discussing anything with an abuser. Make your own exit plan with the help of women’s aid and don’t tell him your plans. Abuse beComes our normal, we minimise it. We are so busy feeling confused that we can’t work out why. Abusers are liars and cheats. They have zero empathy. Google some key phrases like trauma bonding. Cognitive dissonance. Gaslighting. The cycle of abuse. N**********c abuse syndrome. Educate yourself on the effects of abuse. Read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That. Knowledge Is Power KIP.
KNow your enemy x

[Confusedmidlife]

Wow, that’s a new emotion on me, I have been so scared but desperate to reach out, but afraid no one would reply. Whilst also thinking I’m over reacting. I have been reading so much I’ve just confused my now behaviour (intolerance) as being wrong. When someone is visibly crying and upset in front of you and I have this hard face but crumbling interior. It’s making me feel terrible. His periods of nastiness are taking longer to surface, where he plays victim for so long, then shows his true colours with a nasty comment or two so I blow up. Which I’ve done more of lately. This Coronavirus is affecting everyone’s mental health and it’s not helping that he is always talking about dying, and crying when watching the news. I have just given up smoking because of fear, I should have done it last may when diagnosed with asthma, I have had two really bad chest infections which have left me wheezy and now I even question if his comments are to scare me further, so I will reach out in this very lonely time, Or if he is genuinely scared and I’m not helping, for which I am starting to hate myself because I pride myself in being helpful. I have been looking at properties to rent and missed out on a couple before lock down, but if honest with myself I could have done more, what is wrong with me? Why prolong. I hate the person I have become, I resent doing things that he benefits from like cooking, cleaning etc. Because other than putting the hoover around and occasionally cleaning the kitchen oh and doing his own washing now because he’d bring a weeks worth done On a Saturday (so I refused to do it) I do everything. It is like he wants a mother if Im honest. One that will have sex when he wants! He always assumes it was his Saturday morning right, with me sometimes just agreeing so stop his strops. If I’ve refused at nighttime he has lay beside me and sorted himself out. I just feel that’s wrong on so many levels, sorry discussing this, but does that make me the prude or him just rude?
He claims that the things he says in his nasty outbursts are just words.. and can get quite upset at the injustice of me sticking to my ground in saying they are not. I’m silly for letting them have an affect on me because calling me a fat s@@g is clearly not true because I’m slim! Is that a normal brain? This possibly makes no sense as things just kept coming to my mind. It’s very difficult to reach out when he is about so much, taking advantage of him being out. Thank you for responding to my post I really appreciate it. X

[lover of no contact]

I remember being where you are and when you’re living with it you just can’t see the wood for the trees. I can also relate to the overwork for us and them taking life easy. If we didn’t do certain things around the house they just wouldn’t get done. My abuser ex had a high tolerance for living in chaos, clutter and disorder. I felt I was continually trying to stop this disorder and have order and it’s exhausting as well as raise the kids and give them sex on demand. My giving nature didn’t help. Or it’s more that he took advantage of my giving and energetic nature. I didn’t see he was lazy and a parasite; I thought he had the same mind-set as me but he had a completely different mind-set. Keep posting for awareness and support. Living with what you describe is exhausting and too much for any of us.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and welcome. Everything you’ve written is something or all we have been through at some point and sadly still going through. Once I woke up to him, really woke up that was when I dared to believe I didn’t have to live like that. Once I started to reach out, spoke to my doctor, plucked up the courage to contact my local womens aid team I glimpsed more of the light at the end of the tunnel. This is a safe place to talk, to rant even.all the while growing in confidence and knowledge. Its not a road any of us envisaged, would consciously choose, but we are strong,stronger than we realise. Just look at how long you’ve lived with your oh, tried to make it work. I use oh as I no longer can bear to use the word husband. He lost the right to be called that a long time ago, it jyst took me a while to see it.
IWMB 💞💞
Oh and another thing, I got out, many of us on here have done so, in the past week I think 3 maybe 4 ladies have also left their relationships. It can be done, but it’s your journey, noone here will ever judge you. You do what’s right for you, you are in control you’ve always had control it just got lost for a while 💞💞

[Confusedmidlife]

Thank you all, I feel grateful to you all for sharing your stories with me because I feel like I am going out of my mind. I have spoken to a colleague at work which in turn led me to talk to my boss, which has certainly helped especially now with the added pressure of working at home an anxious time in uncharted territory. I do feel exhausted, just now I have had to ask him a question and the response is loaded with x*x and I just feel myself draining away into here we go, what’s coming next. It’s been good to take the steps to talk to people in or being in similar situations.
Thank you again ❤️

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