New and Struggling

[FeelingDesperate]

Hi,
Feeling incredibly desperate and wanting to feel okay again so decided to see if this will help.
I met a guy online when I was (age removed by moderator) (I am now (age removed by moderator). He became my first ever boyfriend and the first person to be intimate with. (Yes I am a late starter)
The relationship was very fast and he swept me off my feet, he was everything I dreamt of and more. He gave me so many compliments, bought me so many gifts, told me he loved me after (detail removed by moderator) weeks, wanted me to meet his parents after (detail removed by moderator) and pestered me to move in with him pretty soon after that. This being my first ever relationship I felt it was all very fast however I felt like I really liked him and thought that he really really liked me. I wanted to wait for someone that really loved me before having sex with them so thought this was my soulmate, and he always said I was his soulmate.
I was besotted with him, I thought all my dreams had come true, he liked everything I liked, made me feel so happy and wanted to spend every minute with me. He booked a trip to Paris within  (detail removed by moderator) of being together, I thought this was it, I have met my match.
It being my first relationship I felt very nervous that I wasn’t doing things right as it was all new to me, I thought it was going faster than I would have liked it too but I kept telling myself that this is what people do, sometimes it can move fast and I am just not used to it. I voiced my concerns to him, he didn’t really understand.
Early on I noticed that he was quite insecure and needed a lot of reassurance. Being anxious and being insecure in my teens and early twenties I came from an understanding place and tried to support him as he reassured me so much I felt like I had to do the same. He was very jealous of other men and didn’t like that I worked in a all male workplace. I have one male friend and he also didn’t like him. Told me I had to choose between him or my friend.
He thought I was cheating a lot and that is something I would never do. I was aware that he had been cheated on in the past and was worried I was going to do the same. I felt really sorry for him. Whenever I went out without him he asked if I would send him a photo of myself with the person I said I was with. I didn’t like this and tried to tell him I wasn’t happy doing this and that he should trust me.
Once the (detail removed by moderator) month mark happened he started having a few emotional outbursts, saying that I didn’t love him enough and I didn’t want to move in with him. I kept saying that it was too soon for me thats all and I just wanted to get to know him a bit longer before making a big step. He kept telling me that this is what people in relationships do and that I am being too anxious. I do suffer with anxiety and told him this. He was supportive when I had emotional outbursts too.
(Detail removed by moderator) months in I found him very suffercating and told him I needed some space. I wasn’t ready to move in with him as I felt he had issues he had to deal with first. I told him that all the gifts he bought me were making me feel anxious, I am not a materialistic person and felt like he was buying me rather than understanding that what I really needed was a bit of space and less pressure.
I should have walked away at that point. Instead he told me how much he loved me and he would do anything to carry on so we did. At this point my anxiety was sky high. I have had panic attacks before he came along and know it happens. During this time he started to think I had autism/aspergers syndrome rather than anxiety, he put a pretty good case forward and I started to believe it myself. I thought wow he is really understanding me and is looking out for me by researching symptoms and trying to get me some help. I was pretty upset to think I had autism and reading up about it all and how limiting it was I felt like no one would ever love me. He said that people with autism can be ‘undatable’ but he would never leave and and that he would do anything to work through it and make sure we worked. I thought okay so I have autism, no one is ever going to love me now. Here is this man that is saying he will stick by me so need to stay with him.
The next few months were up and down we had good times and then very bad arguements. He kept applying pressure to move in yet deep down in my gut I thought something wasn’t right and told him I couldn’t do it. I had a few emotional outbursts over the last few months of the relationship telling him that I was struggling with it all and wondered if it was better if we ended things. I felt so bad for upsetting him by saying these things. He said I was so selfish and emotional abusive towards him. I found this so hard to hear. We always seemed to resolve the issue by him asking if we could just give it another try. I ended up practically moving him with him to calm his insecurities. He wanted sex all the time and I found it too much. His insecurites I found to become unattractive and didn’t feel like I wanted to be close to him. On a couple of occasions I cried during and after. He would constantly ask me if I loved him and that I would stay.
Although he was loving and caring he was incredibly bitter and resentful of other peoples success and happiness. I found it really hard to deal with and felt like a failure as a girlfriend.
One night he had another bad day at work (he hated his job as a (detail removed by moderator), he thought I had an amazing job and didn’t know how lucky I was) He was told by he boss that he was negative and asked me if he thought he was. I said that I thought he was a little bit and that I understood as I can be quite negative too. He went up like a rocket, grabbed my arms and told me that he hated me. Said that I was making him negative by not being commited to the relationship. He shouted in my face and told me how much of a selfish person I was, that I needed to grow up and not treat people the way I was treating him. Demanded I stopped crying and to get back in to the bedroom. He kept apologising and said that he had a really bad day at work and that he was stressed and didn’t really hate me. I was so upset and scared that I was causing him so much hurt that I ended things the following day. The relationship lasted (detail removed by moderator) months. He tried so hard to continue but I knew the arguments we were having so early on weren’t right. I stuck with it.
It has been (detail removed by moderator) now since the day I left, during the first couple of months he demanded I called him, told me how much of a horrible person I was and that he demanded an apology from me for all the hurt I caused him. I was scared of him at this point and I apologised and told him not to contact me again if I was causing him so much pain. During the months that followed I tried to get over it all but struggling. He has messaged me multiple times saying how sorry he was and that he has changed and has been working on his insecurities. I would respond initially but the past few months I haven’t responded as pretty soon after our relationship ended he was with someone else and has been with her this past year. I got a text from him (detail removed by moderator) saying that he is moving out of the city we live in and asked if I would meet up with him. I told him no and to not contact me again. I then blocked his number. He shouldn’t be messaging me if he is now with someone else. Looking at his social media (I know I shouldn’t) he has moved cities to live with her. He has quit his job the job he told me he couldn’t ever get out of and is now living in a nice place with her.
I feel so low. I really did try and put my all in to the relationship and felt loved and wanted it to work. To see him moving on with someone else makes me feel like everything was my fault. I don’t know where to turn. I feel so worthless and lonely. A (detail removed by moderator) on and he has managed to turn his life around while I am just about trying to stay sane. I am constantly thinking it was me and he wasn’t a bad as I thought. It was just me being naive and never having had a proper relationship before.
Sorry for rambling. A lot to read. Thank you to anyone that will respond.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi feelingdesperate, i dont want to alarm you but I’ve reported your post as there is a few personal details on here that could possibly expose you. The moderator will just remove the stuff that could identify you🙂
You did the right thing in getting out of the relationship, it really did move extremely fast didnt it. Total rollercoaster😏
Please dont think the ‘new’ girl has got any better a deal than you. I hope she sees through him just like you did.
None of what went on was your fault in the slightest. He manipulated you and love bombed you from the off. He mirrored you so you let your defences down, didn’t hear your inner self. You heard her at times, that’s why you didn’t feel right about moving in. That was a huge red flag/boundary for you, which he pushed and pushed you on.
Learn from this moment in time, not all men are such monsters, be strong and assertive and you will find someone.
Keep posting and let yourself heal from this. We aren’t a half person waiting for a man to make us whole. We are a while person in our own right, who would like to lean on someone for support in good times and bad😊😊
Blessings to you

IWMB 💕💕

[Iwantmeback]

Whole not while

[FeelingDesperate]

Thank you all so much for responding. It means so much. It has reassured me somewhat that I am not going crazy.
What I am finding so hard is the fact that he has left his job of (detail removed by moderator), the job that was making him so stressed and bitter. The job that caused so many arguments, etc. The job I was trying to get him to look at changing but kept telling me he was trapped in. He has now managed to leave. Will this now change him, will he be less stressed and less manipulative? Will she be getting a better side to him now? Now he has created a new life for himself with her in the countryside. A dream of his.
Maybe he treated me this way because he was stressed and with that cause gone he will be happier and calmer?
I am trying to not feel bitter now myself. I feel trapped in this black hole.
Thank you for being supportive, it is nice to hear that you can heal from this eventually.
xx

[Flowerchild]

You’ve been incredibly strong, totally clear and your post shines with your integrity.

You have had an escape here – not a lucky one because it was your own doing. You’re no more on the autism spectrum than you are a seagull – good try on his part to convince you he was your only hope of a relationship. Classic abuser.

Don’t blame yourself and don’t feel tainted, please, darling. He brought all the bad stuff to this relationship – every last bit. He’s busy doing the same thing over again now – you weren’t the first or the last. Give yourself time to recover and you’ll learn to be happy and trusting again. You know a whole lot of red flags to watch for now!
Flower x

[FeelingDesperate]

Thank you so much for your message. This whole experience has made me feel like a horrible person and to hear that my message came across okay has made me feel a little better.
During the time he was trying to diagnose me it felt so so real. It is scary think back now. I even went to see a specialist a couple of months ago just to make sure he wasn’t right.
It has made me feel so confused and during that time I believed I was so unlovable and difficult that no wonder I hadn’t had a boyfriend before. I am finding it hard to shake these beliefs off. My self esteem is so low. To see him going off into the sunset with someone else has hurt so much. I have really tried hard to keep it together, I couldn’t even imagine being able to date. When I left he kept saying that I would move on really quickly and that he would be on his own. But the reverse has happened.
I just keep wondering how he is now and if he is happier. Can’t seem to get it out my head.
Thank you for your message I wished I had used this forum sooner x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi FeelingDesperate,

I hope it helps you to know that your story is soooo similar to mine! The only differences were the location of the trip my ex suggested we go on and the mental health condition he convinced me I had (he even got me to see a therapist about it and luckily the therapist rubbished his claims and sent me home). My ex also sent me messages for months after I left him trying to get me to return saying he was heartbroken etc. He had threatened to hurt me because I’d asked a simple question which he hadn’t liked and I suddenly realised he was unhinged and he really scared me. But then he gaslighted me saying I’d imagined him threatening me, that it was ‘all in my head’ and that he ‘just wanted to help me.’ I knew there was something wrong with him/he was gaslighting me by this time as I’d rung the helpline who had explained the whole dynamic of domestic abusers so I kept to no contact and I can’t tell you how happy I am about that.

The truth is we met psychopaths and were love bombed and manipulated by them. They are clever and know how to appear to be what we want, like a mirage in the desert. I know how absolutely desperately shocking, terrible and sickening it feels, it was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.

I hope it helps to know that it gets a lot better. I’ve been free of my ex for over a year now and I feel so much better. I had a huge amount of emotional pain and PTSD symptoms at first but they have greatly reduced in time. My advice would be to ring the helpline and tell them your story as they get it. Read everything you can on the dynamics of domestic abuse, particularly emotional/psychological abuse and you’ll see how his behaviour fits a very well-worn pattern so you’re not alone. Then seek out therapy with an abuse-trained therapist.

Also focus on self care each day and journal too. You went through a nightmare but escaped and are now free 🙂 The new girl will just experience what you did too, and he may even be living off her. These types of people are incapable of having happy, healthy loving relationships so you are not missing out one bit.

Finally, block block and block him on EVERYTHING. They always try to ‘hoover’ us back in. They tend to keep a harem of women around and jump from one to the next, usually multiple women. Don’t be an option for him. Well done for going with your gut and running from him, you picked up the red flags. Most men are not like this but you will know the red flags for when you feel ready to date again in case you meet anyone else with bad intentions. The key is to take things extremely slowly and go with your gut, if something feels off then it usually is.

[FeelingDesperate]

Thank you so much. I really do appreciate your message. To hear that you are feeling better gives me hope xx

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