7th May 2016 at 10:52 am #16606BluebellParticipant
Difficult to know where to start!
I was engaged to be married to a compulsive liar. All of his lies came to light after the engagement e.g money, job, friends, his illness and time/place of where he was. It got to the point where i was mentally knackered and lost hope affecting my absence at work. It was very confusing (still is) as i thought he was a best friend but he was actually full of betrayal. I found out later that he was signed on dating and affair websites and falsely lead me on about our future.
He promised that he would stop lying and that he isn’t lying anymore and would get help. All along he was only saying what i wanted to hear. He can be controlling eg washing clothes had to be done in certain way and would change it around when i wasn’t looking. He would accuse me of looking at other men or engaging to anything inappropriate with them and constantly bring up about my ex. He was insecure and needed me to tell him how good he looks and got upset and accuses me of not caring when i failed to recognise that he had a haircut.
When we argue he would pin me down to shut me up and i ended up hurt (bruises on my arms from restraining) and he actually smashed up my TV and other phone (which he used to pretend being somebody else texting me.) Im not completely innocent on my part, when he doesn’t listen or empathise with how im feeling i would hit him. Im so deeply ashamed of this and feel that i’m to blame and if i wasn’t so hard on him he wouldn’t be lying or felt the need to cover up his acts.
I’ve left him and trying to come to terms with what is normal and what isn’t. I’m left in debt after finding out he failed to pay a lot of things and had baliffs coming after me as im equally liable even though i have had paid my half. Also another thing I’ve remembered- i sometimes would have money taken out of my account without my permission when he has my card and he would say it cos i owned him for something. Some money were also missing from my money tin too..
Some people say it was an emotional and financial abuse but im not so sure. I’ve left him and trying to come to terms with what is normal and what isn’t. Im staying at my family’s and they are supportive.
Your help would be appreciated.
7th May 2016 at 11:31 am #16608BluebellParticipant
And the other thing that was so confusing is that he can be so nice. Sometimes he made me lunch for me to take to work or cook me a fry up breakfast or take me to shopping or a weekend away saying “my treat”. So confused.. 🙁
7th May 2016 at 12:50 pm #16621HealthyarchiveBlocked
I’m sorry to hear this. I have not long come out of a mentally abusive relationship and I am recovering after (removed by moderator) months of awful and severe yearning, desperatly missing him, writing love letters & tearing them up etc. I have had such deep emotional pain due to our break (that I initiated) I have never known anything like it. I found these books really helpful, they gave me so much understanding of what I was dealing with. 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control In Personal Relationships
All books by HG Tudor
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/ (this is good, have a look at trauma bonding)
The first books are immediatly available & free to read on Amazon.
7th May 2016 at 6:25 pm #16644LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum and thanks for your post. I’m sorry to read what you have been through. You are explaining an abusive relationship. You explain physical abuse when he has restrained you and financial abuse by him taking money from you and causing your debt. You also explain psychological abuse and control, which can be very difficult to recognise, but has a devastating effect. Being in a relationship with an abuser can be extremely confusing, as you say he was nice some of the time; but that is part of the cycle of abuse. All abusers are ‘nice’ some of the time, that is why the cycle can continue.
I think being on this forum will help you to understand more about your relationship; a process which can be very painful, but also very empowering. You have been so strong by recognising that the relationship was unhealthy and by getting out of it. It’s normal to feel a range of mixed emotions, talking about them can really help, so keep posting and do call the helpline if you would like to talk to a female support worker in confidence.
You could also contact your local domestic abuse service and enquire about any courses they run, such as the Freedom Programme, or if you can access some counselling, both of which could help with your recovery from this relationship.
14th May 2016 at 6:04 am #17241SerenityParticipant
I am sorry for all you’ve gone through.
I think what makes us stay with abusers is that they gaslight- tell us things didn’t happen as they did- or so convincingly lay the blame at someone else’s feet.
These convincing liars so mess with our heads and confuse us so much.
Not everyone on this earth is like them. There are decent people out there whose consciences guide them.
Living with someone as volatile and aggressive as that is a dreadful experience. It will take you time to work through the trauma, but you will do it, the longer you are away from them.
Keep on talking; ask your local DV outreach if they have any support groups around or are running any Freedom courses which will help you feel supported and will help you realise that these abusers act according to patterns. You will also be given the knowledge and understanding to deal with perpetrators in the future.
14th May 2016 at 11:24 am #17252MillionpiecesParticipant
You’ve done the right thing to leave him. This forum will make you stronger and you are lucky to realise it sooner. The abuser seems to know how to “control” they victims. The books the ladies has recommended you is very useful please look into it. You will come to understanding his behaviour.
Hugs and supports
15th May 2016 at 12:58 pm #17336tobehappyParticipant
Well done for leaving. Things will become clearer now you have space and time to think and recover. Something that has helped me to understand things…. My ex is claiming that he left an emotionally abusive relationship and that there were time I hit, kicked him (not sure when though!). This really played on my mind as it was horrible to think he was telling everyone lies about me.
I understand how you are feeling responsible. The thing with abuse however is that is a a pattern of behaviour. I thought OMG maybe it was me? Did I do these things? He claims there were a certain number of times I physically attacked him. (I never did and these incidents would be when I was defending myself but as with every abuser he turns the blame back on to you).
When I thought rationally about his claims…he is stating that there were a certain number of events. The key thing about abuse is that is it a pattern of behaviour occurring over a long time. It may begin with a couple of isolated incidents but this is part of a pattern of behaviour.
If you look back over time you will start to notice things, you will spot a cycle, he was nice for a while and then horrible for a while. You will notice a build up to the abuse (verbal or physical), the event and then the time when they are sorry afterwards trying to make up for what they have done.
As others have said get support, call the help line, I can recommend the freedom programme it is a real eye opener but helps you to understand things that have happened and to stop blaming yourself.
I hope I have been able to help. Good to know you have people to rely on. They are worth their weight in gold. x
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