New aswell. Need advice

[Blueskies123]

Hi all
This is my first post and feeling nervous as finally admitting I’m in an abusing relationship. It’s not physical but verbal and emotional and sometimes controlling. Think that’s why it took me so long to admit where we are. Yes we have the good times too but because of reading posts here I realise it’s part of the cycle. I’m struggling with finding a way to tell someone and get help. I need to leave but I have (detail removed by moderator) kids and my family live in a different country. So don’t know what to do next. Controlling and verbal abuse is getting worse. Also he’s a functioning alcoholic. Never aggressive but is only happy when drinking. He works (not st the mo with all that’s going on) but he will drink every evening and now earlier as he’s not at work. Don’t know how to get out. The posts here help a lot!

[Lottieblue]

Hello BlueSkies
I was the same as you and I think you will find that you gain a lot of strength from having taken this first step. I know I did.
I know that you will not only get sympathy and empathy on here, but some really really good advice. The people who have a lot of knowledge and experience will be along soon, I promise you, and then you will gradually be able to start seeing a way out.
I just wanted to send you hugs and tell you you’ve come to the right place. X

[Blueskies123]

Thank you lottieblue.
That means so much. He’s being difficult again today (which is everyday now). All because he bought (detail removed by moderator) yesterday and I gave the kids one before our walk in the afternoon. They weren’t mine to give out and the f**k offs started at 9am. A member of his family lives with us and she watches all the time but never says anything which I know she can’t do really. I over heard her badmouthing my (detail removed by moderator) the other day to someone on the phone. She’s normally nice to me so now I can’t trust her either. I need to park those feelings as it’s my partner that’s the anusuve one so thanks for listening x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Yes Lottieblue is right, you’ve taken a very important first step coming on here, writing it out forces you to realise this is really happening, unfortunately. So warm welcome Blueskies123.
Now you don’t have to rush into anything, you take your time by gathering informations, about your legal rights, contact Women’s Aid via chat to discuss your situation they are the experts, can validate you’re experiencing abuse, can tell you of your options if you ask them.
– So gather informations, rights etc, to get you started read the safety measures practices posted on this homepage.
– Start telling people you fully trust about your situation so you’re not carrying this burden on your own. Also let your GP know so your situation is recorded.
– carry on as normal at home, don’t let him suspect any changes, nor discuss any plans with him. Keep your routine as is, disengage slowly but surely using grey rock technic.

Here you go that’s already plenty to work on for now.
Keep strong, go step by step & keep posting

[Blueskies123]

Thank you guys. That’s so helpful.It’s good to get support! X

[Lottieblue]

Ah yes, HLJ’s post has reminded me of the advice I got when I very first came in here.
Keeping notes is really important and I have opened up a new (secret) email account to myself. It doesn’t drop into my inbox, it’s just web based. I email myself on it, so it goes to and from the same, secret account. Start keeping notes of everything that happens and how you feel about it. Like the (detail removed by moderator) incident. Lock yourself in the loo to do it if you have to. And be sure to go into private mode on your browser. It’s a huge step, and even if you never need it as evidence for the police or the courts, you can use it to remind yourself during those moments where you’re wondering “is it me?”.

Also make sure you have a source of funds that he can’t access. An account that he preferably doesn’t know about.

And think of anything else that you see as problematic and deal with it, step by step. When you are able to, see a lawyer. It feels like a big step but it needn’t be. Get advice from your local WA as to good DA lawyers – it’s important as they need to know the type of person they are dealing with. You will pay a one-off fee and they will tell you how it works, what your rights are. This helps a lot. It helped me a lot.

Another step I had to take was having a phone that he doesn’t know about. I have emailed the number to myself and made sure that I have copied important details over. It has a pay-as-you-go SIM in it, so I’m not paying a penny while I don’t use it, but it is absolutely ready to go when I do.

I’m really only telling you all of this by way of example if the things I have managed to do since coming on here for the first time. I can’t envisage the circumstances in which I will leave, yet, but I know that if/when things come to a real head again, I can, literally, walk out of the door, because I have taken these measures. There have been several occasions where I have been absolutely fired up and absolutely at the end of my tolerance but there have been details that have meant I was unable to go… safely. Those details have now been taken care of and if it came to it, I could leave today.

I have only told one friend about this and that was a huge step too. A really important one. I can’t imagine telling family members. But for some strange reason, laying it out to my friend made me feel really, really strong.

Keep coming back, and stay strong x

[Blueskies123]

Oh thank you so much. That’s just so helpful. Coming on here has really helped me realise I’m doing the right thing by preparing for that day and really admitting to myself what’s going on. I was looking for coping mechanisms and am I glad I’ve got this. Helps to know I’m not alone and have people to talk to until I’m ready to tell family and friends. Although I’ve been told already by friends he’s controlling. Thank you again x

[mysunflower]

Hi, blueskies123, i to am new to this and feel our situations are similar, he left (detail removed by moderator) ago (detail removed by moderator), and honestly i feel so much better, although i keep having thoughts of ‘would it just be easier to let him back’, but then i just keep pushing forward, you will get there eventually, take is slow and steady, you wont regret it once you do.
stay strong
X

[hop]

Well done for taking the first step. It’s hard to start really admitting to yourself the person you love is not who he pretends to be. Can you confide fully in your friends who think he’s abusive already? Having allies on the outside is so important. Stay safe and try doing what the others have said. Be proud 💖

[Blueskies123]

Thank you. I’m starting to feel a bit stronger now and accepting it’s never going to change so I do think I’ll be able to start telling a few friends and hopefully family too x

[Eggshells]

Hi Blueskies and welcome.

Well done for taking this step.

Am I right in thinking hat you’ve already decided that you need to go? It may seem like there are a lot of hurdles to jump atm but take them one at a time.

I remember someone on here advising me to start stock piling. It seemed trivial in comparison to having to find somewhere to live but actually, as my future became more and more uncertain, it gave me hope. By the time I left, I had a toaster, a kettle, towels and t-towels, cosmetics, a bed a sofa bed and a dining table. I even had non-perishable food, cleaning products, saucepans, frying pans, cooking untensils and ofcourse the essential loo roll. All stored between friends and family.

When I left, I had help. I knew his routine and moved out when he was out. I even took some of the furniture with me.

The same friends who stored my stuff helped me. They dug out stuff for me that they had abandoned because it was abit scruffy or because they’d bought it and changed their minds. They checked online sites such as freecycle etc and asked friends what they had kicking around that they no longer wanted.

By the time I finally moved in to my new place, it was pretty much fully equipped from all the gathered bits and bobs.

If you have time to plan, don’t forget your treasures. Photo albums of the kids, their old paintings etc. The more you plan, the more of your precious life you get to keep. It also gives you hope when all else seems lost.

[Iwantmeback]

Totally agree with eggshells, the more time you’ve got b4 you go, use that to tidy up as many loose ends as you can. I practically spring cleaned the house b4 I left too. Filled the fridge, hoovered, washed floors, I know sounds crazy now but it was just me being me. Also save save save. I stopped buying everything, if I fancied a bottle of wine I’d think twice, once because he hated me drinking and the other that that money could go to my leaving fund. Shred any unnecessary paperwork, make copies of joint debts, hire purchase agreements, have your birth certificate, children’s (if any)passport
💞💞

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