New child

[MeOnScreen]

Hi all

Haven’t been on here for some time. This forum helped me realise that my ex emotionally, psychologically and physically abused me and I want to thank you all for that.
Sorry all this is a long one.
I’ve been doing really well. My ex has been seeing someone else, as have I. When I first found out he was dating I was devastated even though he kept asking to get back with me and I said no. that’s what brought me here originally and helped me understand my feelings.

He ex has a child that I get on with incredibly well and have actually managed to maintain that relationship firstly through him and now through the child’s mother (my ex’s ex). Beginning of (detail removed by moderator) me and my ex were getting on really civil and it was nice.
Recently I caught up with the child’s mother on a call and she told me that my ex’s new girlfriend was pregnant. She said her child had called up her dad (my ex) and asked if they could tell as this was going to be her sibling and she didn’t want to hide it and plus it was all over his social media (which he made private recently). My ex responded along the lines of don’t you dare, it’s my business no one else’s.

I don’t know why but this really hit me. Mostly for two reasons 1/ that he’s happy and so easily moved on when I’m still living with how he treated me and 2/ I can’t understand why he’s responded to me being told the way he has. We haven’t had an argument and we were actually getting on really friendly even though we are both in other relationships.
To be honest I can’t stop crying about it and I just want to understand why. My new partner I have been with for a few years now and he is so lovely and kind and I’m so lucky to have him, so hate that my ex still has this effect on me.
My ex’s ex has told me that everytime she would tell me ex that she had bumped into me he would tell her not to tell me anything. I just think it’s so so strange.

[KIP.]

Your ex will always have this effect on you. That’s why zero contact is so very important. When you say you both has been getting on well recently. That’s because he has you hooked in to his games. It gives you a feeling of false security. Just like the cycle when you were with him. So now he pulls the rug from under you. Making you out to be the one who needs watched isn’t worthy of being in his life. When you say he’s moved on. All he’s done is moved on to his next victim. Got her pregnant so it will be so much more difficult for her to get him out her life. Typical abuser behaviour. Just like you, just like the woman before you. 3 different women pregnant isn’t moving on, it’s trapping another victim. You need to cut him completely out your life. If you still want to see his child to another woman then that’s up to the mother now but you need to tell her you don’t want to know anything about him. At the end of the day he may well put pressure on her to stop you seeing this child. As for telling your child they have another half sibling. That’s absolutely your decision not his.

[KIP.]

Remember he’s still the same toxic abuser he was when with you. He needs to be top dog and you need to be kept in your place. Abuse doesn’t stop just because you split up. He’s still that same nasty toxic person who abused you. Work on absolutely zero contact. And remember going zero contact is devastating for an abuser. Losing that power is the worst possible thing you can do to their ego. It’s your way of having the last word. Of closing the door in his face. Of showing him you know who he is, his mask has slipped and you know his game and will not tolerate it. There is probably lots of trauma too that hasn’t been resolved and this will surface, the confidence he drained from you, that you worked so hard to rebuild, he can drag you back down to those feelings of despair. It’s not him, it’s the trauma and damage he can still do mentally. Zero contact. Use a third party for anything to do with the child you share.

[MeOnScreen]

Hi @kip

Thanks for the advice above. Sorry I don’t think I was clear, I don’t have a child with him (thankfully). However the child he has when I was with him I am incredibly close to, I’ve known her since she was a very young baby and my ex had shared custody so she lived with us half the time ( it ended up being mostly me and her because my ex would work on weekends).
The reason his daughter had asked if she can tell me is because we still see each other often and she doesn’t want to have to hide it from me.
Just think it’s so weird that he would make his child feel awkward just to not tell me, we haven’t even spoken in over (detail removed by moderator).

[KIP.]

Ahhhh. Sorry I picked you up wrong. He doesn’t care about making his child feel awkward. He doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings but his. She’s just a pawn in his game too. It’s manipulation and control over her too. My ex did this with our son. It’s like some test of loyalty that he knows she’s going to fail. Pathetic individual. And also a way to make you feel cut out of the loop. Even though you don’t want to be in his loop it’s mind games. It’s good that you keep in touch with his child because she’s going to need all the help she can get having a selfish abuser as a father but remember he can still use this against you and prevent you from seeing her if he really wants to. Just now it suits for whatever reason, probably so he has a hook in you too but but still gives him the power to hurt you x no wonder your feelings are all over the place. Don’t know how long you’ve been separated but it’s got to stir up emotions. You probably planned a future and possibly a family with him. I’d still definitely work on zero contact and don’t listen to gossip about him. If his daughter brings it up then say that’s nice and move the conversation on. Also, blood will always be thicker than water and my ex poisoned my step daughter against me which was even more painful x

[MeOnScreen]

Thanks Kip.
I’m hoping he never turns his daughter against me. He’s always been really good about it until recently when his daughters mother tells me that everytime she mentions me that he pulls a face. Not sure why he does this. Just can’t believe that he’s having a baby with someone else, seems unfair that he is fine to have a baby whereas I feel like I’m in no mental state to even think about having kids

[KIP.]

These men don’t bond with anyone or anything. His face turns up because he’s being reminded of you. You’re the victim and he knows you can report him. He knows you know he’s a pathetic cowardly abuser and can expose him so he will discredit you at every opportunity.

[ISOPeace]

An abuser’s primary goal is to be in control. You stopped that by refusing to get back together so he found a new and more compliant victim. I know that sounds really awful, but that is what happened. His moving on is nothing like it might be in a non abusive relationship. He didn’t move on because you’re not special, he moved on because being on control is the most important thing to him.

His behaviour now is more control and manipulation. It’s all about him. I know it still hurts. Maybe it’s some left over trauma bond or maybe it really hurts that he’s still able to find a way to get to you. Allow yourself to feel how you feel. Abuse and the after effects are complex. You left for a good reason – he is a toxic person who is expert at sucking people into his misery. How you’re feeling now is a reminder to stay well clear. Xxxx

[MeOnScreen]

Thanks IOSpeace.

It does make sense, he was asking me to get back with him even after he started dating this new girl (even though he would Deny it). But apparently everytime he talks to his child’s mum and she says she saw me he tells them (detail removed by moderator). It’s so confusing to me because I don’t go snooping for his info, I’d rather not know and we haven’t even spoken for (detail removed by moderator) and that was because he text me trying to get one up on me other something. I told him to stop texting me and that was the last I heard from him.
Apparently his new girlfriend is a “yes man” and very very quiet, unlike me and his ex before him. Also his ex before me has confirmed he treated her similar me although it seems he treated me worse with the physical side.

I just think I find it unfair that I’m still a bit of an emotional mess upset other this when he’s the one that doesn’t deserve this happiness. I know that’s a petty way of looking at it but I can’t help it!

[Empoweredhealing]

I heard a therapist said recently that it only takes ONE person to be in a relationship. Essentially, even if a relationship has ended, it’s common for one person to stay emotionally attached. In that way, the relationship is still on going.
I think you are upset about his “moving on” the way many of us probably are when our exes move on. We are still bonded with them even after the ending. A concept called “continuous attachment”. It’s really tempting to keep your focus on him (what he’s doing, who he’s with, what he’s saying). These are all signs of a ongoing attachment. If you are working with a therapist or even just doing consistent journaling, it would help to turn the focus inward. Start unpacking the wounds of why you are still attached and hopefully with time, the emotional bond will be broken too.

[Author]

Posts