New & confused

[Milkshake@]

Hi new to the group!
Got beat up for the (detail removed by moderator) time by my bf (detail removed by moderator) ago.
It was a whirlwind romance and I really loved him and thought he felt the same.
He has (detail removed by moderator) children that live with him full time and I have two (detail removed by moderator) who go between me and their dad.

We even bought a house together – it was meant to be forever.

The first time it happened it was a bit of a shock – mostly happens in drink, and I fought back not really thinking anything of it.

Then a (detail removed by moderator) later it happened again.

The (detail removed by moderator)  time happened (detail removed by moderator) and in part of the argument and us both fighting – I always tried to give as good as I got! I ended up on the floor and he (detail removed by moderator) my throat and strangled me (detail removed by moderator).

I still stayed as he made it out that it was just as much my fault as it was his.

We mainly fought over the children – I thought I had a right to respect and that I could instigate boundaries and rules – which they didn’t like as they weren’t used to it – they were used to getting their own way.
So it was like them(detail removed by moderator)  against me all the time.
So deep down I probably knew I was onto a losing battle anyway.

If it was just us two we got on great and had a brilliant time together.

And this is what hurts so bad.
I was totally in love with him & I really thought he felt the same – he’d never settled and bought a house with anyone – not even the kids’ mum who he was with for years.
We talked about marriage etc.
And I really thought my future was with him.

But like I said we couldn’t discuss anything as he didn’t like talking – most of our discussions were in messages!
He was always right & god help you if you had a difference of opinion.

The last incident was probably a build up of everything.
(Detail removed by moderator)  so he punched me – really badly.
Blood gushing I went to a neighbour, calmed down and went back.
To which he followed me upstairs and kicked me (detail removed by moderator) had me trapped (detail removed by moderator).
I managed to get away and (detail removed by moderator).

Called the police and had him arrested.

But I now have him saying I hit his kid when I never.
Threats off their (detail removed by moderator).
And awaiting to see if anything happens (detail removed by moderator).

I also found out as everyone in our small town now knows about it and he’s not welcome anywhere really – that he did the same to his ex gf and also to his kids’ mum.

My emotions are all over the place.

One half is missing what we had – the good times etc.
The other half is saying I did the right thing as I couldn’t live my life like that.

[TiaMaria]

Hey, welcome to the forums, I only joined a few days ago but my abusive relationship was a long time ago.

What you are describing sounds very typical of an abusive relationship: love-bombing, moving very fast, making you feel special and different to the other women he has been with. Unfortunately it’s all part of the manipulation of winning your love and trust and creating a trauma bond.

I would recommend reading this post about trauma bonding: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

I’m glad you are here.

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Milkshake,
Welcome to the forum and well done for posting
I agree with TiaMaria (welcome to you too)
It is a typical pattern of abuse and how you are feeling is totally understandable
It is confusing that it feels so good but then so bad, this is trauma bonding
If you have audible a really good, simply explained book is Trauma Bonding by Lauren Kozlowski … It is only about 1.5 hours long, also a book called Don’t text that man by Rhonda Finding
Focus now on yourself and stay strong and now start to put that love you had for him into you.. this can start with little things like making sure you are eating clean and sleeping well, basic things that we let go of when we get sucked into these relationships
Stay connected on the forum and keep posting
Your journey to find you has begun and although it wont be easy… it will eventually be well worth it.. start to get excited about your new life and the new you
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Milkshake@]

Thank you both for your help.

I just feel so stupid for falling for him and his stories.

And it hurts to know that he’s back messaging women – even though he was meant to ‘love’ me.

Really want justice to happen.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Abusers are really good at getting us to feel stupid & wrong & bad when they are the ones who should feel that way. You have nothing to feel stupid about and you were taken advantage of by a highly manipulative & highly abusive man. Abusers are really good at fooling everyone, including themselves, into thinking they are good people. I’m glad you are here & keep posting.

[Bee1]

Hello Milkshake, wonderful comments from the above special ladies 🤗
Please don’t feel stupid, please remember,
your feelings are the work of a seasoned led craftsman, who knows the tactics inside out on how to make you feel just like this.
It’s not who you are, it’s the effects of their treatment. They aren’t well people.
It took me quite a long time to realise this too, huge disbelief of the level he would stoop to…
I wrote a very long list of his events, made me see more clearly I can tell you.

Time can’t be rushed to heal ourselves, be patient with you. Be really good to you. Test Be your own bezzie mate 🙂
Now I’ve had some time out of it all, I am slowly rebuilding, in my own time, and protecting my inner Peace. 💓

[Milkshake@]

Had a bad few days – crying and a bit down.

Keep thinking that if we hadn’t argued that night everything would be back to normal and we would be living our more or less happy life and still have a future.

But I think In my subconscious it wouldn’t have worked.

It’s just soo hard to move on.

[Eyesopening]

Hey Milkshake, it definitely takes time for the fog to lift. In time you will be thankful for what happened. Remember that you can’t trust your emotions right now as it’s the trauma bond that’s keeping you attached. Remember your truth, keep getting validation as much as possible and practicing self care.
It’s really hard I know, I recently have left. Time does heal. Distractions are helpful, get back into things you love to do, do any sort of art, crotchet, knitting, something to use your hands, something that takes your mind of him if needed. Also yoga & meditation are great. It will get easier xx

[Milkshake@]

Thank you.

I just find it a bit like grief – everything I do, everything I see and everything I do reminds me of him in some way.

I’m trying to focus on my kids and a new future but it’s just hard.

I have a lot of support and I know I’ll get there – but it’s difficult.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi Milkshake. It is really really hard & so many different emotions will surface. But I wanted to let you know that it does get better. I saw this quote that said something along the lines of “at first pain feels like the whole sky, but then eventually it becomes just a cloud.” That really helped me so much. At first the pain felt completely overwhelming & I didn’t see how I would even survive it. The anxiety and fear was so intense! But then minutes turned to hours, hours turned to days, days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, etc etc & before I knew it I had survived & was feeling better. The pain is still there but it is not all consuming anymore. You will get there too. ❤️

[Twisted Sister]

You’re right, it is grief. Thats exactly what it is, and grief is healthy at this point. You have lost what you thought you had. Its a huge blow to realise whats been going on, when your eyes open to the harm he has rained down upon you. Its a shock and when your mind decides enough is enough you naturally go through the grief of losing it. Its the loss of your beliefs about the relationship and him now that you have discovered who he is, and its very tough so its time to be really gentle on yourself, be patient with yourself and put yourself first. First for rest, first for good food, and first for taking care of yourself generally.

As hard as it is right now, grief is a process and will pass, you just need to help yourself through it as best you can, even if its just counting down the days.

warmest wishes ts

[Eyesopening]

Hi Milkshake, you’ve had some great replies that have been helpful to me also, I’m glad you started this thread. It’s comforting to know we are not alone and others have walked in our paths before and can offer us their wisdom.
About everything reminding you of him, I had that so badly at first, literally just every little thing was a reminder of my ex. But it fades with time, they make our world all about them, that takes time to go away. When things remind me of him, i try to think what other memory do I have connected with this thing that doesn’t include him? Because there will be other memories, especially memories that you made before meeting him, i found these completely suppressed. Like life didn’t exist before i met him. Its time to open our worlds again to our friends and family, to remember other memories before we met them.
Hope that makes sense. It really does get better with time, i know its a bit frustrating to hear sometimes. But i have found it so true.
I also found journalling very powerful, write things down then destroy it, particularly before bedtime, i just kept dreaming about him everynight, so i tried journaling before bed last night and i left the journal in another room afterwards, i slept and it was the first night i didn’t dream of him!
Sending strength x*x

[Milkshake@]

Thank you.

They are just so annoying that they make out it’s you who’s the n********t – that you’re to blame. That was controlling & manipulative!
I hope people see through him?

He’s posting quotes and pictures of him and his ex all over (detail removed by Moderator) (who I believe also got beaten by him) – all to wind me up I think?

Says he was the one that left!
Putting his kids first.
His kids saw me beaten up and said I deserved it!

I just hope he gets some justice.

[Eyesopening]

I have deleted all social media and blocked all mutual friends. They will never see my side and I have accepted that. I want to move on and not be exposed to anything remotely to do with my old life
Thats why zero contact is important.
And seeing things on social media isn’t quite zero contact? Xx

[Milkshake@]

Think I’m just paranoid of what rubbish him and his kids are spreading about me.

Although the small town we live in are mostly on my side and I have a lot of support.

I’m also scared that the (detail removed by Moderator) won’t see it from my side and will see it from his he’s so manipulative.

[Eyesopening]

Hey Milkshake, this is a time for real self care.
This is just my opinion, but for me, the best way to protect myself, is to avoid all forms of contact.
It’s completely out of our control either way…
They are such skilled manipulators and we can’t do anything about the people they carry on manipulating, just to be cautious and keep distance. I do not know much about the legal side, but it sounds like you have the proof on your side x*x

[Milkshake@]

He’s also kind of threatening my family –
By saying(detail removed by moderator) – things I’ve told him in confidence.

So now my mum has got in a mood with me!

Feel like everything is falling apart!

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