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Hi, I have followed all the advice, but still cant get support from my local DA service who must think I am a time waster. I no longer know what to think. I am low and in such a mess.I am really sorry this post will be long.
My (ex) partner has to have his way, no compromise/negotiation. He dictates what we do and where go. I have no local friends, his rules keep me isolated. He controls what we eat, how it is cooked (I always do it wrong), what food I buy with my own money (he inspects food, cupboards/fridges and receipts), dictates how I spend my own money, tells me what to wear, and what tv to watch. He does nothing around the house and hates me doing chores so I have to fit domestic jobs in when I can. He tries to prevent me going away with my children as I might meet men in bars. He will say I flaunt myself if I speak to a man. Everything I do/say is criticised and belittled. He sets times on activities and starts to count down. If I go 1 second over, he erupts. It is hard to keep to times when I have children to organise. If he gives me a choice, I have to choose the option he would want or he erupts. I can not have a contrary opinion to him in anything.I walk on eggshells trying to keep peace.
He will erupt at anything and has no control. I am then absolutely terrified of him, tremble, stutter and go brain fog except talking to calm him down. He has thrown heavy items across a room smashing into doors, he uses his size to intimidate, screams, shouts and swears and has advanced on me poking his fingers a couple of inches from my eyes whilst I retreat backwards into a wall, he publicly erupts screaming abuse and swearing in the street and shops. He has drawn crowds with people hanging out of windows. He has had me pinned against a vehicle with his fists a couple of inches from my throat. He has burst into shops screaming and swearing at me because I have been there too long.(detail removed by moderator) He hates doctors so I have to secretly see one. When I was very ill, he forced me to cancel a doctor. He was furious when I was taken to hospital and said he was delighted I was suffering. When I get in his car I am terrified, I expect to die every time he loses his temper as he screams, keeps punching wheel and drives incredible fast. He will get worse if I show signs of fear so I have to keep incredibly calm and distract him. He reinvents history and gives a completely different view of events that have happened to say I am mad. Everything is always my fault. He has never apologised. There are far more incidents. I typed up 22 pages of them.
I thought he was getting worse so recently finally stood up to him over a minor matter (I won’t say what but about as minor as watching a dvd). He erupted and stormed out but has returned multiple times to tell me to comply, say if I loved him I would comply or telling me my life will fall apart if I don’t comply. I stuck to my guns but at huge cost. My moods swing between terrible agitation, with flashbacks and depression just standing looking at a wall or crying all round the supermarket. I cannot sleep properly with constant nightmares. I came on this site and was advised to go to my local DA Service for a support worker. I went to my GP who said the same. I rang my local service they said as he was out of the house then I should lock my door and not let him in even if he turned up with (removed by moderator). They said they were not a counselling service and couldn’t help me. I spoke to Talking Therapies who were appalled. They told me to make a complaint but I couldn’t face it. They have offered me psychological counselling but it doesn’t start for 6 months. They then did a professional referral to my local DA Service from their safeguarding team. That was over a month ago, I have heard nothing. They are obviously just not interested.
In meantime he changed tack and started asking to talk. He came round over Christmas for a few hours and was lovely. Then I started missing him. My children are sad as he was always wonderful to them and gave them things/experiences I could never do on my own. My (removed by moderator)said to me that splitting up was the right thing for me as he was awful to me, but very bad for them as they have lost such a lot. Another child asked me to contact him so that child could attend activities which I have had to cancel. That has broken my heart as it is true and my children are my world. I am so confused. I feel so guilty writing this. -
Hi M, sounds odd, just because he’s out doesnt mean you are risk free, there’s still a level of risk isn’t there? And you need support and advice here – this is what my local WA charity give me and I’m years out – still dealing with him to a degree as we have a child.
Could you drop him a message saying ‘please do not contact me again or I will need to call the police’? Then if he tries to contact you again call them so they can deal with him for you. Show them you have told him not to contact you and he is ignoring you and you feel frightened. They should send someone round ‘to have a word’; then if he does it again, call again and they will be annoyed as he’s been ‘politey warned’. If he still carries on then they could charge him for harrassment.
No contact really is the only way forward with these men; if you need to correspond over finances or children a third party is needed. Get your locks changed as well if you havent already and call Victim Support, talk it through with them and see what they suggest x
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Hi Marmot,
It sounds like you have gone through hell.
It takes a long time to recover from this type of abuse and when they turn on the charm it messes with your head even more.
I know you feel guilty regarding your children but no amount of money is worth exchanging for a safe, loving environment.
Keep trying to reach out – I completely understand what you are saying about the lack of support but sometimes you find it in the strangest of places. And the Samaritans are wonderful, I phoned them during my darkest moments and I am very grateful for that compassionate person on the other end.
Sending you hugs xx
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You have been through hell. Hang on to the fact that you are not with him. The lack of services does not mean no one cares, it means they are all struggling with lack of resources to meet the needs of so many women like yourself who desperately need help. If you feel guilty now.. I can guarantee that in months and maybe years to come you will end up feeling hugely more guilty if you take him back. His behaviour to you seems dangerous and it will return and escalate. Hang on I there and keep posting. Understand that your brain has experienced extreme trauma and be kind to yourself. Do not be sucked in by his charm, or guilt trips about the children. You are just as important and you must be as kind to you as to the children. If you were your future self, what advise would you come back and give yourself today? If a friend was in this position, what would you say to her? Keep reaching out, and posting, and give yourself time and kindness, I hope you hear from the services soon.❤️
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Ladies, thank you so much for your replies. I feel quite overwhelmed. I was keen for support not only because I have been in such a state, but because I don’t trust myself. I have had years of absolute control and it is so hard to break. Non/late compliance with his wishes has always resulted in his rages or cruelty. My first post was moderated as too specific, so in more general terms he is cruel as punishes. I have received messages saying obey or a list of consequences. He has prevented me having food, he has forced me to eat food which he knows will make me ill, he has abandoned me in isolated spots and he has fined me hundreds of pounds. It has been incredibly hard to stand up to him. Ironically I feel more at risk now of letting him back in when he is nice, than when he threatens.
He now has no key to the house, but I cannot cut off all contact as we are linked by something for the next few months. Talking Therapies did a checklist with me and said I was at risk. They said they were asking for support within days. I suspect my local DA service is overstretched.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. I so hope everything is improving for you all.
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