New, dealing with monster.

[SailorMoon]

Hi. I’m new. I don’t know what to say.
I have problem. Yes I have a problem. He is my problem, because I stuck with him. And I don’t know how to get out.
We have (detail removed by Moderator) years old beautiful son. We are (detail removed by Moderator). when he is shouting on me and swearing he is doing in (detail removed by Moderator) language. Calling names. Few times during our marriage ((detail removed by Moderator) years) he was close to kill me. I had knife on my through. I had thing to cut pizza on my back. My face and body covers bruises sometimes. My jaw because he hold, squeezing and lift me up. He put his hands on my throat and few times I was somewhere else. Punched my face and squeeze my throat.
Treating me that he will smash my face, cut me or kill me. This behaviour got worse when I said about divorce (detail removed by Moderator) ago… I’m so so so so TIRED!
I work full time. At home I’m full time too. Child and house work. In the evening I have to be “nice”, because if not he is treating that he will wake up our child and he will make him cry. So I have to stay calm and quiet. He have better days and worse.He may seems to be normal and than suddenly he may explode. He may switch completely. He have problem with violent and aggressive behaviour. he is selfish and always tired (climes that earn money and work from morning to late evenings- and I’m nothing with no ambition- I work also full time in (detail removed by Moderator) setting so I pick child and take care of everything)
If I’m tired he thinks it’s not normal.
If I’m sick it’s my fault.
Blaming me for everything.
If child is too loud he is shouting on me. There is many examples what he is doing and what he can do. (smashed table or a chair, last time pan fray he want to punch me but he stoped and hit an oven)
I’m very tired and sometimes I’m thinking just to do one step closer (detail removed by Moderator) Only what is stoping me is my child. I don’t know what to do. We live in rent flat. He is not happy. he want to buy a flat and he need me to take mortgage. I don’t want! He is treating me that he will divorce and finish me and take our child from me. I would be fine with divorce, but He just Talk a lot, where he will find another punching bag … I don’t want mortgage. He will never be happy and I don’t want to be abuse the rest of my life in new house or whatever.
It’s easy to say run from him.
To where? My friend said I can stay in her place she have few rooms, but She lives in another side of (detail removed by Moderator). My child is in nursery from there going to work. I live in (detail removed by Moderator).
He gave me time to (detail removed by Moderator) to make a decision (what with house). He is saying to me that I’m homeless with no ambition and this flat is old (detail removed by Moderator) and he hate it and that I live like (detail removed by Moderator). Also that he will punish me for lost his years. I’m bad mother and wife. I’m so tired and finished. Few friends know. I don’t have savings, because we have joined account. I have also different account and I wanted to separate money. I did once but he was so angry and violent so I put back. I don’t have family hire. Just friends and my job which I love.
I don’t know how I’m gonna stay alive longer.
I don’t know what to do and how to do technically. If not child I would get out and never come back! He said he will move out if I will not buy with him. I said than ok. But he just say this! he will never leave me alone. He is feeding himself when abusing me and he enjoy to do it. And he is treating me to take my child away. I’m so so sad and done… I have some records how he abusing me. I’m scared. If someone know us – no one would believe that this is happening. No one would believe me.

[KIP.]

Please talk to the police. This man is very dangerous and harming you is illegal. You can contact your local women’s aid for support in reporting him and ask about a refuge for you and your child. There is a national domestic abuse helpline too and I’d urge you to ring them. You do not have to live like this. None of this is your fault. He chooses to hurt you and your child. Abuse always gets worse and they can be particularly violent when we threaten to leave so don’t tell him anything. Let your GP know what’s going on because that’s good evidence. Keep a secret journal and please confide in someone you trust. Abuse thrives on silence.

[KIP.]

You cannot deal with or negotiate with a monster. He has no empathy and is selfish. Google the cycle of abuse and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

[Chickadee]

Hi there new girl with a monster –

There are different types and levels of abusers! Yours will kill you if he knows your leaving, all the signs are there. So do not tell him that you want a divorce, do not tell him that you are going to leave, plan it all out silently and get out. Make sure your behaviors are not different or it will send off signals to him. When you leave go take him off that joint account, or he will take any money in it, in order to harm and try to control you. Make sure you take any of those records that you stated that you have on the abuse (I’m going with that those are medical) with you.

Keep your full time job, or transfer. Your friend is great, go stay with her, especially if you are positive he does not know where she lives. You also stated that, you, are the person that would need to obtain a mortgage on a flat. You can get your own place all on your own. Now, with all this said, this is a guy that may very well follow you, so make sure he is not, which means watching your back all the time. Think of going and coming from work to a new place, picking up your child, going to anyone’s place, especially if it is someone that may be helping you, like this female friend is offering.

Quite frankly, this is at the level that I would get out of the entire area and relocate. This would mean transferring your job and finding a new school for your son. But it would be the best option for trying to save your lives.

Your son should be a part of the reason to get out, not to stay.

Lastly, you need to connect with people working in abuse and with the police. The people that are good and actually know what they are doing in this field, will believe you. There is a reason that some forms of abuse or abusers are called the Hidden Abuse, because it is, and they are. They hide it, they don’t want to be seen or known, and they are as lethal a predator as the one that is out there that is brazen and known. There is a lot of good resources you can read.

Stay Safe 🙂 Chickadee

[Watersprite]

Hi there you need to get safe and get your child away from him so you are both safe. You are correct he is a monster and neither of you deserve this life. Abusers get worse not better. Please call the police when it is safe to do so they can get you into refuge you and your child and will support you both. Don’t tell him your thoughts or plans. You are at high risk and leaving is a dangerous time. What he is doing is illegal and wrong. Support is available to get safe keep your phone charged and stay safe x You both deserve a life that is safe x

[Anonymous]

Hi sailormoon I just wanted to add that if you do transfer from work please give instructions to the people working there to give no information to anyone where you’ve gone because abusers are extremely manipulative to the extent of pretending to be other people or authority’s and also if you have mobile devices they may try and hack them , emails, phones, computers and also try and put a tracking devise onto a car, if you contact women’s aid they will help you with this, take care and I hope you let us know how you get on 🌸🌼🌸

[SailorMoon]

Yes I know.
“Your son should be a part of the reason to get out, not to stay.”
Sad thing- he really love our son and he say horrible things only to hurt me. To make me angry, sad , flustered. He is different sometimes with our son. I’m say sometimes , because he is swearing and saying things against me to him.
He don’t hurt child physically. But mentally yes. Child is confused and repeated what we are saying to each other..
I know that this may change too. So I’m aware and scared that one day he may send his anger in wrong direction.
My husband father was alcoholic. I found out from his sister also that his dad abused his mum. He say it’s not true. When I met him he did not had good relationships with dad. I never met his dad. He died before I met his family.
nowadays my husband stand up for him a lot – during conversation with his sister- at all time. he is protecting the father side! He claims that he understands his dad and it’s mother’s fault. Every conversation when they are drinking they argue about their father and mother.
Sister is on mother side an he is on fathers.
Before marriage I did not know. It’s horrible really. Now I feel like stupid. How l I didn’t know?! How I could be so naive?
In my house where I grow up no one could swear in front of children! He is swearing at all time. For me this is not normal.
And say to our son stupid things like to hurt me. He is saying to punch me when I’m say to eat dinner not a sweets. He claims that I’m enjoying our child and I’m bad.
Im very tired of this.
Still he is a father of my child. I don’t want my son to not have relationship with dad. Not grow up without him. I know my son love him. it’s his dad. But I’m so tired to try my best.
I do not understand how he can speak like this to the child.
Treating child like a pappy to use against me.
It’s not love? He don’t love his child ? Really. ?

Yes. And after saying about divorce. I stoped. I had to stop.
Because it’s makes worse. I stoped say what I want and what I’m gonna do. What ever i will do. in (detail removed by Moderator). He said it will be a war. And I’m weak and I will be finished. Lost.
Problem is I don’t have a plan. And I think he is right. I m Nothing. I’m so tired every day to deal with it.
that I do not have head to think. To make a plan. Clean good plan to get out. To get him out of our life. Mine. not our child.
My friend. I can’t go it’s too far . I can’t mess up with my child school / nursery
I think I just have to deal with a monster till (detail removed by Moderator) by my own.
I wish he just go away …
across a finger. Miracles happen?
But I’m scared that he may take my child away to hurt me. So I’m not sure.. I’m just not sure.. police? I’m so embarrassed. It’s too much with police.
How I let this to happen? What they will think. He is clever. I’m not.. the best would be separate and live with my son in one house and he can see son when when he want l, but just live separate. At least his hands would not reach me when he would be angry.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, Sailormoon, your abusive partner is teaching your son to abuse you. This is common with abusers. Please contact the police when it is safe, they have specialist DV teams who are really helpful.
What you describe is horrific abuse and he knows exactly what he is doing, how to control and scare you to keep you there. He may be the father but he is abusive and is already working on your child. Please keep posting and ring the DV line, email womans aid or visit your GP as he will get worse, sorry but they always do, they do not get better, they act nicer at times to keep us there and then switch, this is what confuses us as they are capable of being nice (when it suits) as they can control themselves, he knows what he is doing.
I am just months separated from my husband (married a very long time, 2 kids, took me 3 attempts to get him out (he controlled everything, he thinks of me and kids as his possessions), taking all my strength to keep him away) my children are already less anxious at home and that gives me strength.
Keep posting ❤

[SailorMoon]

Possession. That’s how I feel:/ this is the correct word. Yes. He is confusing me at all time. Some days are “better” if I can put in that word. Some days are not and some minutes! I’m so up and down that sometimes I don’t know my name when I’m going to bed. He is so angry sometimes that I’m tired. It’s (detail removed by moderator) and I would like to sleep but I’m not allowed. I have to be awake. Sometimes he want me to be awake and spend time with him sit and watch ty and after sex. He sleep in another room. I sleep with child in the room. He takes what he want and that’s it. I can go. I’m happy than finally I can go sleep. If he is angry I’m scared to sleep. Once he did came to room and woke up our son and hurt me so since than I’m not sleeping till he won’t.. that’s the worst! I’m so sleepy at work sometimes. People think I have to charge my battery and drink coffe. I’m so so sad and angry to lie everyone:/ this is my life
I will post but I’m not sure still what I will do (detail removed by moderator). I need a plan . What I can do ? Pack his clothes and throw him out ? I need a plan but not involved police I do not want this. I don’t want this for my baby boy he deserve for better. And I have to try somehow to do in gently way to do it. I don’t know:/

[diymum@1]

Why don’t you want to call the police darling ? I get that it’s such a thought to do this but they will protect you. Start by getting important documents together xx the police will deal with him – do you have somewhere you can go so he dosent know where you are ? Until things are in place ? What he has done is a serious crime xx please reach out to women’s aid and make sure he dosent find out so call from work perhaps? Sending you strength you can get away safely but you need the police to protect you and your boy xx 😘

[Grey Rock]

Please please make contact with Womens aid or your local domestic abuse agency. I know it might seem that it would be easiest if he just left, but he would always know where you are. And as nasty as these men are while we’re there, they tend to get nastier when we leave.

It’s worth collecting together all your most important documents and small possessions and an emergency bag of clothes and toiletries etc for you and your child to keep somewhere safe. Perhaps at your friends or at work. Start to log any incidents of abuse (verbal and physical) and take photos of any injuries.

You shouldn’t feel shame for his abuse. It is well documented that it is hard to leave and stay away. We get so tired and cognitive dissonance can make us lose all faith in our decision making.

There should be a specific person that you can speak to at the police for domestic violence. As you have a child they should make your case a priority. Women’s aid helped me deal with the police at times.

Take care, and please keep posting. This community really helped me and lots of other ladies to get away and stay away.

GR

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