• This topic has 5 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks ago by KIP..
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    • #120876
      Yearslater
      Participant

      Hi, I’m new to this. I wasn’t sure this was the right place, but with lockdown and everything I don’t know where else to go. I was in a relationship when I was relatively young, my first proper one and whom took my virginity. It started off just a few slaps and grabs and it got worse & the bruises got harder to hide. He made me hate my body, and I still do, I feel like I’m a burden to everybody and I’m so scared that I’ll never get my confidence back. After 2 ish years, I got out when it threatened to ruin my relationships with my family. It’s been (detail removed by moderator) and I’m in a new, amazing relationship but I struggle everyday. The nightmares are awful, the flashbacks often leave me with suicidal thoughts and I’m going through this alone. My family knew little about it, my mum only found out when I got drunk one night. When I was a child it was always easier to get help, but being an adult now I feel as though I have to keep it together. I can’t sleep most nights, I have nobody to talk to and I never got to share my story. I’m angry at the those who let knew about it but did not help me and I know I have no right to be. I’m angry that he got to move on with his life and I’m still stuck here thinking about it nearly everyday. I’m so happy in my relationship but the memories are killing me. How do I get rid of the nightmares and actually have a decent night sleep? How do I move on, even though it’s been (detail removed by moderator) years!

    • #120888
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi there, please speak to your GP about therapy. It’s sounds like Post Traumatic Stress which can continue for a long time after until treated by a therapist. The Body Keeps The Score is a good book about trauma and how we retain it. You can move in from this but it takes time and patience and being kind to yourself. Keeping a secret like abuse destroys us internally. Being with an abuser destroys our self esteem and confidence. It’s never too late to report his abuse to the police when you feel stronger. It empowered me to do so and they are now on his radar because these men simply go on to abuse other victims and he’s probably done the same to others before you. Well done for finding this site. We are all in a club we would rather not be in, but we can all help other women with our experiences which sadly are all too similar. So welcome and well done. Meantime mindfulness, meditation, walking, finding a good therapist are the things I’d concentrate on. Take a look too at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and google the power and control wheel, the cycle of abuse. See if you see anything familiar. It makes us feel less alone when we know we are not the only one x

      • #121177
        Yearslater
        Participant

        I will definitely look at that. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to open up. Talking about it on here was hard enough

    • #120918
      Starchart
      Participant

      Hi, I am new too. I was just about to post, but then I read yours and wanted to share how closely I relate to your experience. My first boyfriend was violent, and it got worse and worse over the years we were together. I too am now in an amazing relationship, but every day is a struggle recently. The flashbacks have taken over my life, and every night I lie awake trying to convince myself he’s not in the house. I have been seeing a therapist, and it has helped. I have learned a lot of strategies to help manage the flashbacks and panic attacks. It takes time, and some days are better than others. I would definitely echo what KIP says and find some professional help. It has changed my outlook so much. Even on bad days I feel like I have a future, and there were years where I planned the best way to end my life every day. It feels very lonely sometimes, but I have been reading this forum and have now finally worked up the courage to write. Hopefully it will help, and it really does make a difference to know I’m not alone.

      • #121176
        Yearslater
        Participant

        I thought about getting help, but my boyfriend knows little about what happened and nobody knows the extent and I’m not ready to talk to them about it, if I go to see someone chances are people in my life will start to realise and ask questions. I’m so afraid of having to open up about it to people I care about, what if they just don’t understand

    • #121184
      KIP.
      Participant

      Just take baby steps and go at your own pace. Get a good understanding of abusive relationships first so you have the language to explain. Reading other posts can help validate your experiences. Slowly opening up when you’re ready. There’s a national domestic abuse helpline too which you can ring anonymously just for a chat. Your local women’s aid are also a great support when you’re ready x there are books you can show your friends and family if they don’t understand or websites x or even get them to ring the national domestic abuse helpline x imagine a family member coming to you with your story. You would be compassionate and understanding and supportive and so will they x

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