New- feeling so s**t and hopeless.

[Anon24062602]

Hello,

(Detail removed by moderator) and I’m currently working toward making plans to get out. Hes not physically abusive but has royally messed with my head. I’ve drained all my savings to keep him and his son happy over the almost (detail removed by moderator) years together. Since I got pregnant he’s pulled away from me massively. Our daughter is now (detail removed by moderator)old. We’ve tried to work things out several times but the issues were always put to be my fault and I’d make a big push in effort to try work things out and he’d barely bother so depression would kick in and I’d start to slack. He doesn’t help with our daughters needs . Will only play with her, he never helps with “our” dog at all. I can’t keep up with all the house work and looking after the dog and looking after the baby all day and helping look after his kid and trying to keep ontop of self care. But he calls me lazy. I try talk to him and he dismisses my feelings. (Detail removed by moderator). he also goes on twitter atleast every night liking pictures of naked girls but even when I’ve made an effort doesn’t look twice at me. I’ve grown to hate him and his s****y attitude to me which he’s passed on to his son who constantly gives me attitude and disrespects me. I’m terrified to leave. I own 80% of the furniture in this house. He’s going to guilt trip me to s**t about splitting up his kids and call me selfish but I’m Miserable. If it wasn’t for my daughter I don’t think I’d be alive anymore living like this. She’s my whole world and I’d do anything for her. I’ve tried to stay to work things out for her but o can’t take much more of this. I slipped up early in our relationship and spoke to another man and said some things I shouldn’t have. He found out about this year’s later when I was pregnant with our daughter and has guilt tripped me for it ever since even though Ive 100% dedicated myself tomgom.and this family since. (Detail removed by moderator). He lies through his teeth whenever I’ve tried to talk to him about a few things so I’ve kept alot of this to myself as evidence. He will freak knowing I went through his stuff to find this out but how else am I supposed to know?! I have no money and I’m (detail removed by moderator)  miles from home. 😔 Please tell me I can be happy and not feel worthless again?

[Bananaboat]

Welcome and yes, you can be happy again. It’s a journey with many ups and downs so strap in, but it’s better than life now. I could’ve written your post almost word for word, the stepchild is a huge issue in my house. Like you I did it all, but it was never enough.

Tips – read and post on this forum it makes you realise you’re not alone and there is help. Learn about abuse, I started with Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ and boy was it an eye opener (free pdf’s on Google, or you can buy it). Contact womansaid or one of the other support groups, they help. You don’t say if you’re married, own/rent etc but ppl on here can help with all scenarios.

Well done for reaching out and recognising you deserve more, it’s a big step x

[Wants To Help]

(Detail removed by moderator)

Welcome to the forum and I hope it helps you to understand and make sense of what is happening here.

It sounds very much to me that this man has come in to your life with very little to offer but a lot to gain. You are paying for and providing for virtually everything, you are looking after his son so that he has to put very little effort in to that (but will probably tell everyone he’s a ‘hands on dad’ as he has his son from a past relationship regularly!). By you two having your own child he believes he has cemented his way in to your life because you now have something together forever. (Detail removed by moderator).  So he’s taking and taking from you, seeing other women and initiating contact with other women and giving you nothing but grief and unhappiness in return.

If you have support from your family to get away from this then please take it. There is nothing to be ashamed of about getting out of a failed/failing relationship, it’s an incredibly brave and strong decision to make and acknowledge, not a weak one at all.

As long as the distance you are moving back to your family does not mean a change of countries (even within the UK) then you can leave and take your baby with you. If he does wish to see her on a regular basis and applies for contact then you will probably have to meet half way in order for a ‘hand over’ but do you think he’ll really bother to do that? He may well start off the process in order to distress you and as a ‘punishment’ for leaving him, but if he got a contact order would he really commit to it every other weekend and travel that distance to pick her up and then travel that distance to bring her back to you? If he can’t really be bothered with his son and leaves all the work of being with a child with you could he really manage with a toddler and a baby by himself? He may do so if he ropes his parents in to help with the childcare, and again, that is perfectly acceptable if they are good people and she would be safe with them, but it does sound as if he’d rather be out meeting other women than being a responsible dad.

You need to act firstly on what is a better life for you and your baby, and if it is to get away from him and have the love and support of your family then that sounds like a good start to me. Don’t let this man drain you of your future financial security, and certainly don’t marry him because he may well have a claim on that in the future as part of a divorce settlement.

xx

[Anon24062602]

He is the sole earner while I’m on maternity and boy does he never get tired of saying that after I’ve poured thousands of pounds into our life. My dad’s had to help us out with bills a fair few times and I always feel terrible asking him. His son is (detail removed by moderator) years old and he got full custody of him (detail removed by moderator). I’m starting to think he wasn’t so innocent in that relationship either and played the same mind games with her. I have a good relationship with his mother and one of his brothers and brothers wife and I’ll always be happy to let them have contact with her. I do think he’ll say he will struggle to be able to have the time and to afford to meet me half way to have contact. I’ve been pissy for the past few days because I’ve reached the point I’m fed up with his s**t and being treated this way. (Detail removed by moderator). From what I’ve heard he wasn’t very hands on with his son until he was pretty much out of nappies. He’s a bare minimum dad. Now the most he’ll do to spend time with his son is them play video games. We used to go out on walks and go places. He’ll refuse to do anything. Mostly has big naps during the day because he’s up all night on twitter looking at F***y’s and boobies. I’m trying to have a proper plan in place before I leave so I feel comfortable to do so but it’s getting so hard to put up with him now that the rose tinted glasses are off. I don’t know if he’s definitely met any women and I don’t know if he’s intimately still talking to any. My friends think he’s a narccist.

[Anon24062602]

update – I know this is stupid but as painful as its been it’s also given me the final push to leave as i was second guessing. (Detail removed by moderator).

This hurts but I needed the closure to know i wasnt crazy, he is trying to hook up with girls. I wasnt just paranoid, he lied through his teeth and manipulated my thoughts every time i was close to seeing his true colours. I’ll be informing my family in the morning whats going on and speed up the progress to get out so my child and i can try and move on and have a healthy life. He cant guilt trip me about them anymore because he hid their very existence. I’m utterly devistated.

I can’t wait for it to get better and to try and actually be happy and maybe eventually find someone who will actually treat me how i deserve to show my child what a healthy relationship can be. luckily they’re currently too young to remember all this.

i could really use a hug.

[Author]

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