New – hello

[FreeAgain]

Hello – I’m new to the forum and have left my husband of many years to live on my own.
I spent years living with coercive behaviour (not realising I was until the last couple of years tbh). He is now stalking me after trying to strangle me (detail removed by moderator).
The police have been amazing and I have had brilliant support all round. However, I still feel the guilt of leaving him alone with limited support network and I also have both our dogs, which was his choice, I was happy just to have my (detail removed by moderator) with me.
He can only contact me via email as we still have the marital home in both our names and he also wants to see his dog regularly.
I’m in turmoil as to what the right thing is to do. I have agreed to meet him in a public car park to hand over the dog for the day so he can take him out but it’s seems so ridiculous and am I still pandering to his controlling behaviour? He says he’s not wanting to see (detail removed by moderator) just ot see me, but I’m unsure.I don’t want to separate him and his beloved dog, who I love dearly btw. However, he was seen loitering in the car park (detail removed by moderator) watching us (detail removed by moderator). He didn’t approach us. I have asked him why and he said (detail removed by moderator) not to scare me – but it feels like stalking behaviour and I have told him this in an email.
I’ve reported it as another incident to 101 and I should get a visit from an officer today.

I’m getting awful anxiety over this and it makes me feel like I can’t go out and live my life 🙁

[gladtobefree]

Hi and welcome to the group.
I’m sorry to hear what you have and are still going through. All I can say is that any form of contact just feeds them even if it’s negative. I have a baby with my ex so I know it’s not always as simple as that. Abuser just use people, pets, finances and all things just to be able to carry on the control. My ex try to ignore me in regards to our baby and then as soon as I realised he was just using her to play a game I made a stand and told him I don’t want him to contact me directly anymore and to take the matter the court as mediation advised. It is also the peace of mind and the head space. Without contact things do still play on my mind but it is much less than before.I would become extremely anxious and unhappy when I knew I was meeting him or even when talking over text xx

[FreeAgain]

Hi gladtobefree
Thank you for your reply. It’s so hard isn’t it? I feel like I should cut all contact but I need to get the divorce/house etc sorted and it does help if he has the dog part time.
I know he may be using it as an excuse to control me still and I got the tears and crying when I told him about me filing for divorce. Pulls on the old heart strings as normal!
I know what you mean about the anxiety when talking to him, makes me realise just how unhappy I was living with him
Take care xx

[FreeAgain]

PS I am also really worried he may do something to harm himself, even suicide – so awful 🙁

[gladtobefree]

Hey
Sorry for the late reply.
When I was first with my ex and wanted to end the relationship, he did the guilt trip and sobbing but as soon as I became pregnant and even more when I had the baby. He was arrogant and acted like he was the one who wanted to leave. In a matter of hours he would go from upset when I wouldn’t react to cold when I got upset. He literally enjoyed me being hurt. I on purposely didn’t text when he stormed out and sure enough for a text but when I would ask him not to go he would revel in it and be more adamant he was leaving. It was so obvious to see that it was all ego boosting for him so all the feelings I previously had of guilt were not there anymore. I see his game very clearly. He acted the doting Dad to his friends and family and when he thought it would get him attention yet he has no real interest. The reason I’m saying this is because he probably wouldn’t care less if he see your dog or not but it makes him look caring and at the same time is control. They love to have an attachment as an excuse to keep playing games. What a boring life they lead. I really hope things are improving for you xx

[KIP.]

Please ring the helpline and find your local women’s aid. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. This is the most dangerous time for you when trying to end things. You need to have zero contact and use a solicitor for the legal side of things. Any contact is toxic and abusers are Oscar winning actors. I caught mine smirking seconds after crying and threatening suicide when I said I wouldn’t leave him. No one can change moods that quickly. He is not your responsibility and threats of suicide is a very common tactic with abusers.

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