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Hello, i am new here. I did join a few years back but only posted once or twice and the site was different. Well, i have been married for a number of years and hubby has been abusive on and off for a long time now. At first i put it down to being a bit bad tempered and he can go months of being ‘normal’. But, when he flips he can be verbally extremely nasty and has been aggressive in terms of slapping me on the arm. The worst has been a punch to my face and my nose bled and i was too frightened to do anything and amazingly it didn’t bruise. I can go for days feeling very hurt emotionally and quiet and then hubby starts talking normally as if nothing has happened and no sorry. He will even joke that women need to be kept in line. One time he was angry and i was on the bed watching tv and he went into a rage and slapped me across my legs. The next day i thought i couldn’t take it and drove to the police station and told them about it and they had a camera thing on their shoulder. They went and arrest him and gave him a caution for assault. I hoped that would be enough to shock him into stopping it.
Well, not many months later hubby has lost his temper with a neighbour and completely lost it and it nearly ended up in a punch up and the guy recorded it on his mobile phone. I was in and heard it but stayed quiet and knew to say nothing. Once he came in he was in a rage about it was neighbours fault. He went to the guys door and was hammering his door. He was saying this guy needs to be taught a lesson. The police have called hubby and said they have him on camera and he has to go to the station to speak with them and it looks like assault. Hubby has been angry going on about it and he really should teach this guy a lesson. This morning hubby was on the sofa with his arms crossed. I am nervous that things might escalate but i know to keep calm and quiet and just nod to what he says and keep my head down. The police said before they have the address on their system and even i can call and not speak and they will come straight away.
I have starting living like we are together but in my head i have frozen myself from him and have no hope of any loving relationship with him now because somehow it seems i am just used and he is the boss of his domain and no matter what i do i will never be good enough in terms of looks or what o do or how much i earn or how much i clean the house. He does not reciprocate love anymore and over the years it have eroded away from me and it’s only when he wants you know what. I have written incidents in diaries and it makes me feel sick and i have kind of put my head into it’s not real and trying to block it out of my head and quickly forget until the next time. He has been verbally threatening to my brother in the past and my family members. I think it is verbal intimidation to me and to keep me frozen and frightened. He also doesn’t like me having any friends or talking to neighbours. I know this isn’t a normal marriage anymore…. -
Hi Meadowflower,
Welcome (back) to the forum, I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been experiencing. Your husband sounds very abusive, aggressive and frightening. Do you have any friends that he hasn’t pushed away who you can talk to, or colleagues? Please ring the helpline if you haven’t already, and your local domestic abuse team. I rang them both and they were wonderful, they will support and advise you in how to stay safe and how to leave if this is your decision.
You might have seen it already but if you google the Power and Control wheel and Cycle of Abuse in google it should help make things clearer. Also have a look at the resources by Pat Craven, she has resources and videos online and there is a book on amazon called ‘Living with the dominator.’ There’s also an excellent book called ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. You will just need to make sure that your husband doesn’t see these books or resources to protect yourself.
It’s good that the police know what is happening and can protect you. If you can keep a journal of all incidents with details and times and any photographs of physical abuse towards yourself, others or in the house. It will really help in future if you need it as evidence.
Sorry that you are having to live this way, please stay safe and keep posting.
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Hello,
Many thanks- i will have a look at the info when i get the chance. Hubby was asked to go to police station regarding an incident with a downstairs neighbour which the neighbour filmed on his phone. He attended there [detail removed by moderator]. When i returned from work hubby was v quiet and went to work. He had earlier sent a text saying maybe he should consider going to another country before he beats the s**t out of someone and ends up with a criminal record. I text back that maybe he should consider it and give it a try. I didn’t call or text or cry or anything. Even better if he did go. Hubby was at work and came back and i thought i should softly ask what happened as i still had no idea. Apparently it was one officer and he had cd’s and it was filmed with a camera. Hubby said that the officer wanted to know what happended. I have to go he’s come in. -
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Just wanted to say it sounds like a dangerous time for you. When things were going badly in my ex life, he took it out on me. It took me years to work this out. Also, at time when i found a little happiness, he would sense this and rage and pull the rug from under me. Ring the helpline x sounds like hes looking for a fight with you by mentioning leaving the country. Theres no right answer to this. If you agree then youre selfish and dont love him. If you disagree youre selfish and dont love him. Ive been where you are. Walking on eggshells all the time is exhausting……
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Hello, all ok. Yes, as i was saying, all i know is that he came back after the telling the police what happened and then came home. I am not going to ask any more about it. The thing that i wanted to say is that there has never been any ‘outside’ involvement before ie. the police until i felt enough was enough and he got the caution. The police called me after and said that he admitted the punched nose and the nose bleed and it’s on camera. I have a number of diaries hidden which i have detailed incidents. Because he can have months of being what seems like ‘normal’ I have thought i could handle these ‘blips’. It has been a fairly short amount of time this this incident with someone outside the home and part of me thinks he erupted because he felt he couldn’t erupt at me. He can be extremely charming and a family member said he’s very good at telling people what he thinks they want to hear. His temper has come out into the open rather than kept behind closed doors and on the one hand i think this could be leading to my freedom but part of me thinks this now could escalate. He also can say i don’t want you doing xyz and then later on say you can do xyz, eg. i don’t like you drinking alcohol and then ringing and asking if i want a bottle of wine on the way home. Sometimes he has a smirk on his face also and so i do worry perhaps he might have a mental health problem. Once or twice he has also been aroused after a temper and wanted sex. So clearly, not exactly a life for me. Everything is him, him, i want, i want, you do this, i want that. But he is not taking responsibility for himself and his duty to care and support me, let me make mistakes if i make them, give me space, let me enjoy time with him without being alert to his moods, i am no angel but i at least afford him that but it is all withering away. I know this freezing my mind and numbing that it’s not happening has been a way to keep living like this.
I have cards to ring that the police gave me. I joined back to this forum. I also managed to get him to sign off our joint account back to my name only (when he was in a good mood). I didn’t respond to the text about leaving because I knew that’s what he wanted, he wanted me to cry saying please don’t go and be clinging on to him. He again was on the sofa with his arms crossed which is not usual.
Many thanks for your advice and for ‘listening’.
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