New here

[The Colour Purple]

Hi, I am new here and have been trying to think about what to say and how to say it. I’m not sure if what I’m going through is abuse, but what I do know is I can’t take it anymore. I have been with my husband for over (detail removed by Moderator) and at first he was charming, caring and lovely but he has either changed or this was an act.
He constantly puts me down; nothing is ever good enough for him.
I gave up my career so that I could work in his business (which I am not trained for so have had to work very hard to learn) and I now physically work in the day and do admin etc in the evenings and weekends. He also works with me during the day and I am constantly on edge trying not to make a mistake in front of him. I don’t want to give up because I want to try and prove him wrong, that I am not weak and useless. My wage is obviously paid through his business and although our house is in both is our names (which he was debating for a while) I contributed nothing to it financially, nor to the mortgage payments. Without him, I have nothing.
He is so cold towards me; there is no love, no physical touch, no hugs, no conversation. Even when I am sitting crying in front of him, he ignores me and then doesn’t speak to me for a few days. I have had to learn to try and retrain my brain to not need all these things because I know I won’t get them from him. Even when I was in the middle of a miscarriage at home, he went out and left me to go through that by myself.
I have tried to talk to him so many times to fix things, but he always shouts me down to tell me how lucky I am, how amazing he is and how he doesn’t need me. When I try to have my say, he tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and walks away, leaving everything unresolved again and then somehow I end up apologising. We tried marriage counselling and the same thing happened, and he then found an excuse so that he couldn’t do it anymore.
Mentally, I am not in a good place. I so want to sit down and talk to him, but I know there is absolutely no point, and it breaks my heart that he doesn’t seem to care enough a) to even realise that anything is wrong and b) to want to fix things.
Apologies for the long post. I’m not even really sure what I’m looking for here, but some advice or comfort would be much appreciated.

[Strengthinlove]

Hi Colour Purple

Well done for finding the strength to come here and speak out.
I am also new here 🙂

I would say from what you write that your husband is definitely emotionally/psychologically abusing you and emotionally controlling.

He sounds v similar to my partner I’m trying to leave at the moment although I accept our situations may be very different.

The only advice I can give is to keep posting and reading here on the forum- the more I read the more I’m able to validate that my partner is abusive.
Try to talk to a WA worker on chat as they are trained to be able to help support and advise.

I Hope you will find your strength to start planning to leave now you’ve taken this first step in joining the forum.

Wishing you all the best
X x

[The Colour Purple]

Hi Strength in love,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I’m glad I found this community, I’ve been reading through some posts and it’s already made me feel less alone.
I hope one day we can find the courage to do what we know is right and find happiness 🙂 wishing you every success with whatever you decide to do xx

[Risingup]

Just wanted to send my love and welcome you. I can relate 100% to What you are saying. I have experienced all of what you said from my abuser. All of the emotional, verbal and financial plus a serially unfaithful. It’s weird because for so many years I was made to feel like there was something wrong with me….I wasn’t attractive enough, stupid etc etc. Now I know that I was being abused bit by bit my confidence is starting to grow. I am currently seeking legal advice to leave, very frightened at the moment but I now realise it’s the only way for me.
You take care and keep reading others posts and reading about this topic. Take care x

[The Colour Purple]

Hi Rising Up,
Thank you for replying. I honestly am in awe of you for having the courage to take the first steps to leave. I know how frightened you must be, because I feel it too but you are doing the right thing… maybe one day I’ll get to the same place as you x

[Risingup]

Hey,
Thank you for the message.
I really don’t feel brave. I feel really scared all the time. I’m meeting with a lawyer (detail removed by Moderator) and again I have all this doubt. I’m trying to read over my old journals to convince myself that all this abuse actually happened. It’s crazy what the abuse does to our brains. My abuser always blames me if he gets angry or denies that he did anything wrong. I’m just trying to put one step in front of the other at the moment xx

[The Colour Purple]

Completely agree, I feel very overwhelmed at the moment because I’ve spent so many years being told it’s my fault and now coming here and reading other peoples’ stories is opening my eyes to what is happening. The realisation that it’s not our fault. It feels traumatic to even hear the word abuse at the moment, I’m really struggling, so I can only imagine what you are feeling but you can do it, one day at a time. If you want to message, any time, I’d be happy to hear from you 🙂

[Apricot]

Hi The Colour Purple,

I am new here too. I have recently left an abusive relationship and I’m struggling to come to terms with everything.

Posting here, being able to identify and discuss the abusive behaviour is such a big step and very brave. What you are experiencing is emotional abuse and, it sounds as though your husband is controlling you as well. You should not be working such long hours and need time to take care of yourself.

What you said about trying to retrain your brain really struck a chord with me – I’ve spent a long time trying to convince myself that things that felt so wrong were OK, and that I was the one with the problem. Also apologising just for trying to resolve things – I have felt that too and it is so confusing and heartbreaking.

Even though I have left, it is still early days and I’m struggling to accept in my heart that it was abusive now – but my head is getting there, making some sense of things. I’ve done lots of reading around domestic abuse and I’ve sort support from a domestic abuse organisation and now have a support worker and a counsellor. Perhaps you could look into what is available in your area and reach out? Sending love xx

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