New here – abuse or codependence

[Promisedthestars]

Hey, I’m so confused and feel sick to my stomach.
My husband has always been the alpha male type, definitely some little red flags knocking around but after we lost our first son during pregnancy he became very angry and for a period of time was definitely emotionally abusive but at the time I didn’t realise it. (detail removed by moderator) We did for a short period. The counsellor gave me leaflets on gaslighting etc but I was so lost I didn’t really see what she was trying to say and ultimately we never really addressed any of the issues he just became less mean. Around this time I also became suicidal and ended up being seen by the crisis team and on all kinds of medication.

Fast forward (detail removed by moderator) I feel like I’ve been in a freeze state the whole time. I’ve wanted to leave but when I’ve tried he’s always talked me back round. I’ve ended up having emotional connections with other men, purely as a cowardly way to get him to leave me and I hate myself for it. The last year I’ve completely fallen down a hole. And feel completely paralysed. He’s absolute convinced we can fix it but I just don’t think I can ever love someone who destroyed me and continues to confuse and manipulate the life out of me.
My family say he’s abusive but if he is he’s so good at it because I have just ended up feeling like I’m the toxic one who’s just poisoned everyone against him (my words not his).
I just want it all to end and go away. Why can’t I just leave? (We have two kids and he’s absolutely the breadwinner) Is it codependence or abuse?!
Should we try marriage counselling again?

[Ariel]

I feel you. How he talks you round and then you are left feeling like you’ve over reacted to whatever it is and you’re the toxic one for reacting this way.
I’m in a similar position.

[Author]

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