New Here and Confused

[Beachandbobs]

Hello
This is my first post. I found this site while googling verbal abuse.

My husband has anger issues and I don’t know whether his behaviour is anger or abusive. We’ve been married over (detail removed by moderator) years.

He loses his temper over something minor and will rant at us (eg ‘(detail removed by moderator)!) then storm off to his (detail removed by moderator) and stay there for the rest of the night/next day. Once he has calmed down he expects the rest of us to act like nothing happened.

Has told me to ‘F off’ or ‘F you’in anger a couple of times when we weren’t even arguing, he just didn’t like what I had suggested. When I told him how hurt I was by his swearing he blamed me for it.

Recently threw some clothes off (detail removed by moderator) in anger because he wanted to lay on the couch. Ranted how he is the only one who keeps the house tidy (not true) and then stormed off to his (detail removed by moderator) for the night.

On a recent holiday when we were packing to go home, he asked why (detail removed by moderator) and threw (detail removed by moderator) against the wall because he didn’t like my answer.

Is controlling with money ie my parents gave us $(detail removed by moderator) for Christmas one year and when I suggested what to spend it on he said ‘No we aren’t spending it, it’s going on the (detail removed by moderator)’.

He had a meltdown just before Christmas and since then I have emotionally detached myself from him. I have so much resentment towards him for his behaviour over the years but I’ve given up trying to talk to him about it because it’s never his fault, it’s always someone else’s. He also has a victim mentality. He’s always saying ‘don’t blame me’ even when no one is trying to apportion blame.

We almost separated a couple of years ago but he said to me ‘he would die alone’ if we did so I felt guilty and nothing got resolved.

I’ve read up on the cycle of abuse and at the moment we are in the calm phase where he is nice and kind and jovial but I know this could change at anytime. So when things are like this, I forget how bad I felt when things are bad and wondering if I’m over reacting?

[pookie1]

I can relate to a lot of this. I’m (detail removed by Moderator) out of my emotionally abusive relationship. Perhaps you don’t realise but you’re describing a pattern of behaviour that has made you so desperate for answers you’re here. Being in a state of confusion and feeling resentful is no doubt because you know deep down this relationship doesn’t feel safe. All the micro-aggressions, alongside big flare ups, amount to a cycle of abusive behaviour. He has a temper, you’re to blame, probably followed by silent treatment I imagine which is so painful you end up apologising for a quiet life. Then it’s calm for a bit and he’s OK again. You think it’s not that bad and keep going. All the time you’re self esteem is being chipped away. When someone weaponises your emotions to control a situation or indeed you, it’s emotional abuse. It took me a long time to call it that. Bullying behaviour is designed to keep you in your place through fear and intimidation. It doesn’t have to be physical to be abuse. I would urge you to educate yourself as much as you can. Knowledge is power and will help you work out what to do with your feelings. Leaving is not simple so I won’t patronise you by suggesting it. You’ll no in time what is right for you and when it’s safe to do so. Best of luck x*x

[Beachandbobs]

Thank you for your reply.

I don’t know why I find it so hard realise I am in an abusive marriage. I do know that I am unhappy and have been for so long but due to circumstances I can’t say as identifying, it’s very difficult for me to leave.
You are spot on when you say your self esteem is being chipped away. I have become so emotionally and physically distanced from him due to his behaviour. We are basically living as flatmates and I am not affectionate to him at all. He thinks everything is fine and still calls me hun and tries to be affectionate and talks about the future as if we will be together forever. I have so much resentment towards him for his abusive behaviours and expecting me and the kids to just put up with it. I am resentful that he cannot see how unhappy I am and that our marriage is not normal. He often sleeps in (detail removed by Moderator) and when he does sleep in our bed I am always on edge in case he tries to have sex. I have absolutely no desire for him anymore and my body tenses up being so close to him. (detail removed by Moderator) I was asleep and woke up when he put his hand on me and I pretended to cough so I could move it off me. He tried again and I turned away. It makes me so angry that he thinks we are ok!
I can’t see a therapist as he monitors all the transactions in the bank account and I would have to admit what I was doing.
I feel so trapped. I think about spending the rest of my life like this and it’s so depressing but I honestly don’t see a way out.

[tryingtosleep]

Hi Beachandbobs – sorry to hear what you are going through.
Just to say that you might be able to get some therapy through your gp for free. There are also charities which run low cost counselling which you can pay for in cash.
Good luck x

[sweet4]

Same here, anger issues, i call them temper tantrums, as he acts like a child, its his way or no way.
I have been separated from him for (detail removed by Moderator) living in my bedroom, how many times i have been told he will get help for his anger issues, nah, it doesn’t happen and he’s got worse, so i fully relate to you all.

[Shecando]

I could have written this myself . Husband told me he has no mental capacity for his work anymore and that is ‘on me.’ It’s always when he is under pressure or stressed everything becomes my fault . It’s so hard to try to support someone when you’re getting the blame for how they feel. Things could go wrong and I’m not around and still it would be my fault because of how I have made him feel. I have been told it’s emotional abuse but again the nice times are okay

[Author]

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