21st January 2021 at 8:40 pm #120185
Firstly reading through other people’s stories has really been a comfort so thank you.
So a very small part of my story… My partner is very controlling and things really became clear to me that the relationship wasn’t right when we entered the first lockdown. He had become horrible to my 2 older children from a previous relationship, didn’t want them around at all. He was very cohesive and controlling and the way he speaks to me is quite frankly disgusting. I spoke to the domestic abuse team and they encouraged me to ring the police to log what had been going on. They came and met me at work and wanted to arrest him. I didn’t want that to happen to him even though hes put me through so much hell. I have ended up been allocated a house and have been trying to get furniture etc donated but I can’t help feeling really guilty and deceitful making all these plans behind his back. I am having a real dilemma with myself. I’m so drained I feel like I’m having a constant battle in my head of what to do and how do I leave. The plan was to flee when he was at work that way I was avoiding any confrontation and had some chance of getting mine and the kids clothes out and the kids belongings however another lockdown has struck and I just feel trapped. I feel like I’m frozen. Like there’s a barrier that’s stopping me from going. I’m scared, petrified, nervous all sorts of emotions. I’m mainly so scared because of the games he plays. Telling me he will ruin my life, make me lose my job, my kids. He said I’ll have no one and nothing. We have a baby together and he’s said he will make sure I never ever see her.
I just don’t know what to do. How I’m suppose to leave. How I’m going to get some of our belongings out and how things will go regarding our daughter and communication/contact.
People say just leave why can’t you just say your going and get up and go. I can’t seem to answer that. I don’t know why I can’t just go.
There’s so much I could type on here as so much has happened but for now any advice on leaving would be greatly appreciated.
Stay strong x
21st January 2021 at 9:19 pm #120188LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum! I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be.
You’ll find guidance in the Forum Guidelines and FAQ’s.
I am sorry to hear about your situation, it’s understandable that you are feeling scared. Your partner is very controlling and has made some awful threats. Maybe you could have another chat with your local domestic abuse service to make a plan together. You could also have a read of this information about safety planning https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,
21st January 2021 at 9:34 pm #120190RockandrolldreamscomethroughParticipant
It sounds like you’ve got a plan together and are putting things in place so you can leave which is great. Well done for reaching out and taking those steps!
I just wanted to come on and say that whatever threats your partner is making, yes they are scary and horrible, please don’t let them scare you into staying. My ex said all the same things. Said he would ruin my life,said he would make sure I get sacked, said he would hurt my friends, said he’d kill himself and make sure everyone knew I’d done it, said he would turn our daughter against me. You name it, he said it. It’s their way of making sure we are too scared to leave. That is all it is. Another desperate stab at them clawing back that control and making us so scared of losing what is precious to us that we stay out of fear. It’s disgusting and emotional manipulation. Try not to worry about how contact with him and your child will be worked out. The main focus right now is getting you and your children somewhere safe. Contact can be sorted later. Try not to think too far ahead as it can also scare you into staying because it can feel so overwhelming. Take each day at a time ❤️
23rd January 2021 at 9:42 am #120262
Thank you for some great advice. Sounds very similar. He makes me think am I actually in the wrong. He turns everything round to make it my fault. Me and my kids are the problem that’s why he is depressed. He says I am too sensitive and need to get over myself when he’s calling me names. Said he only has to say one thing to me and it puts me back in my place.
I don’t know how to say I’m leaving. It terrifies me but frustrates me too as I have a house say empty for me to go to. I think I’m overthinking everything and worrying how he is going to react.
25th January 2021 at 5:59 pm #120357RockandrolldreamscomethroughParticipant
I wouldn’t tell him your leaving personally. What if he follows and comes to your new house? It’s very risky and I’m sure you’ve been told before but when a woman says their leaving the risk for their safety increases because the abuser feels like they’re losing control so will step go their abuse. The only reason I told my ex was because he was in my house which he had no right to be in. But even then he (detail removed by Moderator), gave me heaps of emotional abuse before he left. It really is a very risky time. Obviously not trying to scare you and you know your relationship better than me but even if he doesn’t turn aggressive he has that opportunity to turn on the water works and try to convince you to stay, if you tell him you’re going. Is there any way you could set up a fake appointment or something for him? Dentist or opticians or something.
22nd January 2021 at 5:59 am #120207KIP.Participant
These threats are just another control tactic and theyre working. Keep a secret journal of his behaviour. Log it with your GP. Abuse very often escalates after childbirth when we are even more vulnerable. Abusing you and your kids is child abuse. And you can bet if he’s using your baby as a threat just now he will do the always when you’re together. My ex too threatened to take my child from me, make me homeless etc. I spoke to a solicitor and got the true picture. You’ve been brainwashed and programmed and threatened to stay so it’s going to be difficult to to leave but you have the chance to get all your ducks in a row. To get yourself as the resident parent with the court, if access is allowed then it can be done at a contact centre or via a third party. If the police won’t remove him from the home then sometimes it’s a matter of just taking a leap of faith and going. Abuse always gets worse. Have you asked the police using Claire’s law if he has any previous convictions or cautions for domestic abuse? The police can be there while you collect your belongings or you could have a third party collect them. But your safety comes first. Belongings can be replace. I got 20 year old furniture and upscaled it with a tin of chalky furniture paint and it looks great. The main thing is you’re free to be a happy confident mum to your children and safe for them too x keep reaching out x
23rd January 2021 at 5:59 pm #120290
The police were going to arrest him but I did a statement not to at least for now. I have a plan in the sense of a house etc but I don’t know why I can’t just take that step to actually go. I’m actually quite mad with myself and very tearful. I can’t even bare him been near me anymore. It’s like I’m finding reasons why I can’t leave more than why I can. It’s crazy. I honestly never ever thought I would be in a position like this in my life as I’m sure everyone else does. I don’t feel like the same person anymore I’ve lost my identity. I don’t see my friends, I don’t have an social media, I don’t see my family, I don’t listen to the music I want to or even wear clothing I would have. I need to get me back and feel happy again.
22nd January 2021 at 6:00 am #120208KIP.Participant
Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft x stay safe x
22nd January 2021 at 12:55 pm #120222ISOPeaceParticipant
Hopefulwishes I really feel for you. I too am scared of my husband’s threats and get caught up in the whole “why don’t you just leave?” thing. I think the replies you’ve had give some great advice. I am starting to see things more clearly and I think its a lot to do with educating myself. I highly recommend the books KIP suggested. Also look up trauma bonding, which might help explain why it isn’t easy to just leave, and so help you let go of any fear that you should be able to do better. You are doing the best you can and you are making forward steps. Even posting on here is a forward step. You will get there and being scared doesn’t mean you’ll never leave. The threats you describe come up all the time on this forum. It’s all about control. Getting some legal advice will help you see that it’s all talk. I honestly could not see how a baby wouldn’t stay with the mother unless, in the words of someone else, she was lying in the gutter drinking meths.
Stay strong and sending love xxxx
23rd January 2021 at 6:02 pm #120291
Thank you so much for you messages they are really helping me I’m so glad I got the confidence to post on here. The relationship is dead there’s nothing there for me now but he has a hold on me and I feel like I can’t get out. I’m so scared of what’s to come from leaving. I need to try and get over that and accept it’s going to be hard at first but at least I won’t be with him everyday anymore.
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