New here and worried about my children

[postitnote]

Hi I managed to get out of an (emotional/financial/coercive/controlling) abusive relationship (detail removed by moderator) and put boundaries in place such as no verbal contact. However we have 2 young children together and going through mediation for contact. He is pushing for more and more overnights as he doesn’t want to pay child maintenance and he tells the kids he should have more overnights and mummy is mean not letting him etc. I’ve raised this in mediation and said it’s inappropriate. He minimises, denies and blames me for everything so nearly all my concerns about their welfare raised are glossed over. I realise that I can’t control what he does and he will never change but I’m worried about the impact on the children and am devastated there seems no way to protect them. They often come home from contact crying and are confused by the whole situation. I had disclosed to the school before lockdown and asked they put a bit of extra pastoral support in place but they can’t do that currently. I log everything but it seems mediation and court are pro-contact regardless of abuse and I have no faith in the system to protect my children. What can I do?

 

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome, please get in touch with women’s aid. They can support you through this. Also, get some legal advice, most offer free initial advice and make sure the solicitor is fully experienced in dealing with abusers. Keeping a log of everything that’s said and the children’s behaviour is really important. Speak to your GP too, their support is invaluable. You might want to access counselling for you and the children. Again good evidence of the children open up to their counsellor. Women’s aid do not recommend mediation with an abuser for the very reasons you describe. It’s dreadful when they involve the children in this way, it’s using the children and manipulative behaviour and it’s detrimental for him to use the children in this way. There’s lots of information out there about how this behaviour affects their mental well beings. Lundy Bancroft When Dad Hurts Mum I think it’s called. Show the court that his behaviour is detrimental and contact should be via a supervised contact centre. The NSPCC have a website too and a helpline. Start building a case against his unsupervised contact. Build a support network and keep all his texts and emails x

[Author]

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