New here and would like advice concerning my son's behaviour in the aftermath

[Elle]

Hello. I’ll be meeting with the head of safeguarding at my son’s school later this morning and I wonder how to explain my situation are there any resources which could help? The school have said they’d train some of their staff in DV which is great news, just surprised they haven’t any staff currently with DV training.

My son is having trouble with detentions after school when he doesn’t feel it’s fair. He stood up to his father who, we were was told by a psychotherapist, lacks empathy. As he stood up to his father who bullied him physically and emotionally he seems to have no reason not to stand up to authority figures who appear to him to be bullying him. If given praise he shines but if as one teacher did he’s told “you are nothing” he will not accept this. One teacher said they cannot treat him differently but I think he is being treated extra harshly as they sense his strength, but he is also very vulnerable, and seems to see it as a matter of survival that he stands up for himself. How do I explain this?

He has asked for ELSA support for over a year (and I have repeatedly asked on his account) as he feels overwhelmed by his emotions at times.

Another issue is that my eldest daughter at the same school truanted on one occasion (following her friends lead) and I got an automated text and my fear was not just was she okay (she actually very sensible normally) but also as to whether the father had also got a text. (He asked to have her left out of the contact order, he now doesn’t see or even send Xmas cards to either). I asked the school could they at least not send him automated texts concerning her whereabouts (apart from anything else ~ not relevant) and they said ‘yes’ but didn’t tell me one had already gone out. He then send me a email saying he’d phoned the school and they said I’d asked them not to send automated texts (!!!) and I was therefore guilty of PA. (He hasn’t seen or spoken to her for years by his choice! I suggested many times that he might want to write to them both and he has not bothered.)

Sorry if this is a bit garbled but meeting is this morning, any help very welcome! Thanks in advance x

[Lisa]

Hi Elle,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for posting. I hope you find the Forum a safe and supportive place. I am sorry to hear of the abuse you and your children experienced.

How was your meeting at the school? I hope they were able to put some support in place.

Your local support group may offer children’s services, you can find details of your local group here. They should also have details of any other organisations in your area who can provide support and resources.

The 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) can be a great resource too. The Helpline Workers can listen to you and discuss your options based on your circumstances as well as signpost you to other organisations that can help. It is a busy service but there is a voicemail to request a call back at a safe and convenient time.

Also, The Hide Out website is a space for children and young people to understand domestic abuse. You can find The Hide Out here.

Please do keep posting to us when you can. It is clear from your post that your children are your priority, well done for reaching out for support.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Elle,

This sounds extremely frustrating, and like the school does not have a proper framework for dealing with domestic abuse because sending your ex messages like that could actually be dangerous for you. Do you have support worker such as a domestic abuse outreach worker or someone from CAB who could help you liase with the school? It sounds like they all need training in safeguarding and are making errors but obviously it is difficult as your children are attending that school. I would raise the concerns possibly in a letter or maybe face to face with the head and see what they say. Be calm and polite and ask for a plan to be set up with regards to how the school handle your situation with both your son and your daughter.

I’m not expert but it sounds also like your son may have been traumatised by your ex and this could be coming out as aggression at school, if I have read your post correctly. Has he had any counselling/someone to talk to about what he went through? Some schools have brilliant workers who run clubs where certain children can go for time out and a chat/rest if they are struggling with their emotions and this can be really effective. Ask what provisions this school provides and if they don’t have anything, ask if something can be set up for him. It might just be something like your son gets on well with one of the teachers and he is allowed to go and talk to said teacher during difficult times or has a weekly chat with this teacher to see how he is feeling.

[Author]

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