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Morning everyone,
I’m new to this site but would love peoples help and support!
So i will start my telling you my story. I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator). We have 2 children together and i have 1 from a previous relationship.
I feel like my partners abuse (gaslightning, mental and emontional) has ruined the relationship! I still doubt myself and hate to thing i was in a relationship like this.
He’s constantly making me feel s**t about myself, blaming everything on me, calls me immature and says I can’t take a joke, calls me names and says things to the kids about me.
So after (detail removed by moderator) of constant arguing things came to a head (detail removed by moderator) and he moved up and we split up.
I suffer with anxiety (something he didn’t understand) and this has got alot worst this past week.
We lived in rent accomodation and the tenancy is up (detail removed by moderator). I can’t afford to love her on my own so going to get up homeless!!! I’ve contacted the council etc. So not only am i dealing with a break up but i have all that added stress on my hand. I don’t know how I’m going to cope and what to do about work.
We spent the day together (detail removed by moderator) and its ours daughters (detail removed by moderator) so we celebrated that and we had a lovely day. It just makes you think why can’t it always be like that!
He admitted that he treats me like s**t etc at times! I tend to blame myself and think i must have done something to deserve it!! As i don’t get how someone can be so mean and treat the one they love like that.
In the past I’ve asked him to get help for his anger and behaviour. He went to the doctors and tthey put him on tablets. I could see a difference in him but he stopped them and said he doesn’t need them!!
I think deep deep down i know things will never change (well they always do for a month or so but then goes back to him being nasty) its just so hard to throw away the familybut i have to do it for the kids aswel as its not fair on them being around this!
A (detail removed by moderator) into single life and I’m having good and bad days but im sure i will get there.
Its hard when the kids are all in bed and you have time to think.
My ex says he misses the persobln he fell in love with! Do you think i forgot about him and just concentrated on being mum?
Im so sorry for the long post. -
Hi Keeponfighting
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story.
Sorry to hear about what you have been experiencing. I just wanted to let you know that you are not to blame , you’re just being a good mum by concentrating on your children and realising that this environment is not good for them. It is his actions and behaviour that is not acceptable. It’s good that you have realised that things won’t change.
I think the next step would be for you to get some support if you haven’t already, you could get in touch with your local domestic violence service for support https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are doing
Lisa
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He misses the person he fell in love with? He’s twisting it to make you feel it’s you because the man you fell in love with doesn’t exist. He put in a front and twisted every little thing until you, like us all here, believe that you’re the one that’s caused it all. Keep away from him and don’t believe his lies. If you’ve changed it was to fit in with him because he made you feel inadequate. He was never the nice person you thought he was. Take care lovely one 💖
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Hi Keeponfighting,
I can promise you that he is messing with your head. And yes, he does have a hold over you. It’s the hardest part to walk away from. You could pack up your home, change your life beyond recognition, but all the time he’s in your life you’ll need to wrestle with that pull. It’s tough but it will get easier. There’s that voice in the back of our heads that tell us how lovely he could be, that we’re blowing things out of proportion, that he doesn’t mean it, that he’s changed, that maybe if we did something different then everything will be different. It won’t, he won’t change and whilst we may not be perfect, we are not the ones doing the abuse.
I have/am been there. Mine can be so kind I start to believe it’s me. I am a great example of the ‘trap’. But I’m learning, I’m starting to recognise those red flags and back out again. Mines even starting using things I said about his behaviour to turn back on me…..I think that was my final red flag to get the hell out of Dodge again. So I’m doing the one step forward, two steps back but I know that I’ll get there and stop putting myself through this. Having little support at the moment with the current restrictions make it all so much harder but please try to keep moving forward and don’t follow my example!
Oh….the anxiety, that’s completely fed by his behaviour. So the longer you keep him at arms length, the more time that passes, so too will your anxiety decrease.
Remember, none of this is down to you. The words he uses, the body language he displays this is all HIM. He won’t change, he can’t, even if you think he wants to…..he can’t and the damage to you is very real.
Don’t give up on yourself. X
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Hi there, oh how we all crave our lives back but what life is it you want back. An abuser can’t change, it takes too much time and effort, why do that when all they have to do is be nice to you for a while, then before you know it you’re back to how it was and more. Because now he’ll be watching and listening to you constantly, looking fir the slightest indication that you’re leaving him again. Connect wa, try your local one if you can’t get through. He will do and say anything to win, even if it means being nice again. But it won’t last, cos he can’t keep it up. He needs the supply of adrenaline he gets as much as a drug addict. That’s why when we leave them or they leane us it’s so hard, because we are losing our drug too. What we go through is withdrawal symptoms, so to feel better,we have a wee hit,a phone call or meet up for a bit. Short term fix but afterwards when it doesn’t end up with us returning, that’s even he reverts back to type. Have you read anything on abusive men. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and living with the dominator by pat Craven are very informative.
Keep learning, keep posting but keep him as far away as you can. Your time apart hasn’t been that long, but don’t you feel better fir it, being able to breathe, do things around the house without waiting on the inevitable putdowns or shutdowns, not getting the silent treatment or feeling you’re walking on eggshells. IF he’s changed, how great would that be, but he has to prove it and your stipulation is, you’re talking it slowly. Put boundaries in place, if he keeps pushing them back, he’s not changed. He’s missing his lifestyle not you. Its all about power and control, you standing up to him is him losing that, and he can’t have that. He has to win at all costs. Take everything he says with a box of salt. He’ll gaslight, he’ll sweet talk you. Look up the cycle of abuser again. This will be his honeymoon phase. When that doesn’t work he’ll try a more aggressive approach, might be thr silent treatment again, might be bombarding you with texts and phone calls. It’s all designed to wear you down. Stay strong. The longer you’re away from his poison the more it’ll come out of your system. You are in control of your life, whatever you decide, we’ll still be here. Do what’s right fir you, not the children(cos it’ll only be short term, the long term affects on them living with an abusive parent, well that’s a whole different topic) and definitely not for him. Keep telling him you need time, he’ll push and push sometimes pull away. Stay strong,keep posting.
Best wishes IWMB 💞 -
I am still stuck living with mine and he has moments with me and our child where I am just thinking: why can’t it be like this all the time? One of my friends asked me once how much of the time is good compared to bad in my relationship. I think it is helpful to think about that.
The reality is that it is happy and good for very little of the time for me. Those little glimpses of what could be really mess with your head as they make you feel guilty for thinking about leaving or actually leaving and they make you wonder if things could change.
I am reminding myself constantly of what it is normally like and how I normally feel (anxious, fearful, treading on eggshells, unsafe) rather than happy, relaxed and safe.
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